November musings

Back again. I thought about going back to posting in my old Calorie King blog, but I really don't want to have to deal with explaining myself or defending my surgery choices with a bunch of newbies that just don't get it. I've seen too many people have to deal with keyboard warriors. I'll post here, where nobody knows where I'm hiding, especially since it looks like CK has removed my blog post linking it to here. CK is fantastic for their food diary, but as for the people that use it, I guess it takes all kinds. I've made some awesome friends, but I've also seen how horrible people can be.

So, I quit smoking again. I'm feeling very strong about it at the moment. Of course there's the odd craving and really strong urge to ask someone for one. But that's how I always, always start back again. So I fight every impulse to ask. The 19th of September was the last time I had one. Financially I can't afford to start again, so that's a strong motivator too. My daughter and I have started doing personal training sessions once a week. My smoke money pays for that now. I can't let her down.

As for the weightloss journey, the long, long, long journey, I have been pretty stable the last 6 months. Ideally I'd like to get to my goal weight, but I really don't think I'd be able to maintain it. I still say there is something wrong with my bypass. I am having a gastroscopy hopefully early next year, I have been having pain in my stomach that comes and goes. I don't know if it's an ulcer or gastritis. I've told the surgeon to have a look at what's going on while he's in there. I'm adamant there is not enough restriction. He obsesses about the number on the scales more than I do. I must be ruining his stats or something. Until the last visit, he just kept telling me to go back to the dietician. Seriously, I could be a dietician with all the knowledge I have of food and nutrition. I'm not perfect, but I was doing a damn sight better with my leaky sleeve than I have been with the bypass. The dietician just kept saying "yeah, you did better because you were sick." Well, make me sick, because the restriction worked!!
That last statement is so incredibly illogical and ridiculous, just reading it back makes me realise how unhealthy the whole weightloss objective is. It should be about health, not the scales. It's what I'm trying to show my daughters. I fight fatigue every day. I have been fighting depression for the last year at least. I have just felt like none of it is worth it, what's the point of even getting out of bed. It could be a midlife crisis, I don't know. I turn 40 next year. Some women must go through this. It's just that we don't buy an expensive sportscar and date men half our age to try and recapture our youth. I feel like I'm now starting to come out of the dark fog, but every now and again, it envelopes me just a little. I have felt lost for a very long time. I really don't know what path I want to go down, so I just sit at the gate not making any decisions. It used to be that I was just thinking about things, now it just feels like a paralysis, making me unable to take the leap because what if I fail? That is a question I really need to analyse. It's what's holding me back. Not exactly sure what it's holding me back from though.

Til next time,
Ness.

2014. Time to wake up and no longer smell the coffee!!

I either bravely, or stupidly, got on the scales this morning. I know I've been doing nothing to improve things, so I knew the number wouldn't be good. 100.7kg. I am back in triple figures. Denial got me to this point.

I have made a small change. Yesterday I decided to not drink coffee any more. It means I've had a headache for the last two days. But it also has changed how I eat. I found if I drank coffee while eating, I could eat more. It helped me get far more  food in. 4 slices of toast at one sitting is way too much. And I was doing this for breakfast AND supper.

I logged my food today. According to Calorieking.com.au, I've exceeded my daily intake by 664 calories. That should stress me out, but I haven't been logging it, so God knows what I've been exceeding it by lately.

I'm exhausted. I'm guessing the lack of caffeine is doing it. Once I get over the caffeine withdrawal, I will look at doing some exercise. But for now, I'll just sleep and take nurofen. And keep trying to get more water in. Always my downfall.

Til Next Time,
Ness.

I have opened this page so many times. I have started writing and then deleted it all. "Why bother" "Who am I talking to?" "Nobody wants to hear the whining of someone who isn't prepared to get off their arse and fix their situation". "Why do I keep going in circles?" "All talk, no action".

When I'm feeling strong, this is my blog and I don't care who doesn't like what I write. But I guess at the moment I don't like what I'm writing and I'm my toughest critic.

I'm pushing my stomach to the limit. I'm eating more than I've ever eaten before. I managed to eat a whole large pizza. When I had my sleeve, 2 slices had be bursting. Granted, it was over a couple of hours, but still, I hate that the bypass doesn't give me the restriction that my sleeve gave me.
I am seeing a dietician at the end of the month. My surgeon wants me to go and see her. I'm interested to see what she has to say. She apparently has some expertise with weightloss surgery. Hopefully it's more than just with lapband surgery, like everything seemed to be when I first had my sleeve surgery.

Tonight I made custard. I bought a box of powder to make the trifle for boxing day. I've now gotten a little obsessed with making it, especially as it's so easy to make in the microwave. I'm the only one who'll eat it.
I feel a little better tonight. I made chocolate, with a tablespoon of cocoa. I poured it over tinned pears. So good. And I could only eat half of it. I'd had enough. Silly thing to be happy about, having any of it isn't really going to help my health. I've just been craving sugar all week. I know it's boredom eating, otherwise anything would have done.And it always happens in the evening. I've become more acutely aware of it as we are broke and recovering from Christmas, so there were only the essentials bought for the last fortnight. I've been searching for options to have. But there has not been anything that was easy at hand.

So, what am I going to do to help myself? I don't know. I've pretty much shut myself away for the last week or so. Broke, feeling down, I've pretty much just eaten, slept, read books and got on Facebook a little. Not as much. I deleted most of the time zapping games. I was spending hours on them with no sign of ever catching up!
I've got to get out of my head and back into the world. I've got to start looking after myself. Why is that so hard to do?
I've quit smoking again. Being broke helped that, but I know I needed to do it. The girls were hassling me to quit again. It's really another reason I've been hiding away. It's easier to stay away from them if I'm away from the other people who do it.

Well, before I decide to delete all this, I'm going to go and click publish.

I'm struggling, there's no magic cure for that.

Til next time,
Ness.