November musings

Back again. I thought about going back to posting in my old Calorie King blog, but I really don't want to have to deal with explaining myself or defending my surgery choices with a bunch of newbies that just don't get it. I've seen too many people have to deal with keyboard warriors. I'll post here, where nobody knows where I'm hiding, especially since it looks like CK has removed my blog post linking it to here. CK is fantastic for their food diary, but as for the people that use it, I guess it takes all kinds. I've made some awesome friends, but I've also seen how horrible people can be.

So, I quit smoking again. I'm feeling very strong about it at the moment. Of course there's the odd craving and really strong urge to ask someone for one. But that's how I always, always start back again. So I fight every impulse to ask. The 19th of September was the last time I had one. Financially I can't afford to start again, so that's a strong motivator too. My daughter and I have started doing personal training sessions once a week. My smoke money pays for that now. I can't let her down.

As for the weightloss journey, the long, long, long journey, I have been pretty stable the last 6 months. Ideally I'd like to get to my goal weight, but I really don't think I'd be able to maintain it. I still say there is something wrong with my bypass. I am having a gastroscopy hopefully early next year, I have been having pain in my stomach that comes and goes. I don't know if it's an ulcer or gastritis. I've told the surgeon to have a look at what's going on while he's in there. I'm adamant there is not enough restriction. He obsesses about the number on the scales more than I do. I must be ruining his stats or something. Until the last visit, he just kept telling me to go back to the dietician. Seriously, I could be a dietician with all the knowledge I have of food and nutrition. I'm not perfect, but I was doing a damn sight better with my leaky sleeve than I have been with the bypass. The dietician just kept saying "yeah, you did better because you were sick." Well, make me sick, because the restriction worked!!
That last statement is so incredibly illogical and ridiculous, just reading it back makes me realise how unhealthy the whole weightloss objective is. It should be about health, not the scales. It's what I'm trying to show my daughters. I fight fatigue every day. I have been fighting depression for the last year at least. I have just felt like none of it is worth it, what's the point of even getting out of bed. It could be a midlife crisis, I don't know. I turn 40 next year. Some women must go through this. It's just that we don't buy an expensive sportscar and date men half our age to try and recapture our youth. I feel like I'm now starting to come out of the dark fog, but every now and again, it envelopes me just a little. I have felt lost for a very long time. I really don't know what path I want to go down, so I just sit at the gate not making any decisions. It used to be that I was just thinking about things, now it just feels like a paralysis, making me unable to take the leap because what if I fail? That is a question I really need to analyse. It's what's holding me back. Not exactly sure what it's holding me back from though.

Til next time,
Ness.

2014. Time to wake up and no longer smell the coffee!!

I either bravely, or stupidly, got on the scales this morning. I know I've been doing nothing to improve things, so I knew the number wouldn't be good. 100.7kg. I am back in triple figures. Denial got me to this point.

I have made a small change. Yesterday I decided to not drink coffee any more. It means I've had a headache for the last two days. But it also has changed how I eat. I found if I drank coffee while eating, I could eat more. It helped me get far more  food in. 4 slices of toast at one sitting is way too much. And I was doing this for breakfast AND supper.

I logged my food today. According to Calorieking.com.au, I've exceeded my daily intake by 664 calories. That should stress me out, but I haven't been logging it, so God knows what I've been exceeding it by lately.

I'm exhausted. I'm guessing the lack of caffeine is doing it. Once I get over the caffeine withdrawal, I will look at doing some exercise. But for now, I'll just sleep and take nurofen. And keep trying to get more water in. Always my downfall.

Til Next Time,
Ness.

I have opened this page so many times. I have started writing and then deleted it all. "Why bother" "Who am I talking to?" "Nobody wants to hear the whining of someone who isn't prepared to get off their arse and fix their situation". "Why do I keep going in circles?" "All talk, no action".

When I'm feeling strong, this is my blog and I don't care who doesn't like what I write. But I guess at the moment I don't like what I'm writing and I'm my toughest critic.

I'm pushing my stomach to the limit. I'm eating more than I've ever eaten before. I managed to eat a whole large pizza. When I had my sleeve, 2 slices had be bursting. Granted, it was over a couple of hours, but still, I hate that the bypass doesn't give me the restriction that my sleeve gave me.
I am seeing a dietician at the end of the month. My surgeon wants me to go and see her. I'm interested to see what she has to say. She apparently has some expertise with weightloss surgery. Hopefully it's more than just with lapband surgery, like everything seemed to be when I first had my sleeve surgery.

Tonight I made custard. I bought a box of powder to make the trifle for boxing day. I've now gotten a little obsessed with making it, especially as it's so easy to make in the microwave. I'm the only one who'll eat it.
I feel a little better tonight. I made chocolate, with a tablespoon of cocoa. I poured it over tinned pears. So good. And I could only eat half of it. I'd had enough. Silly thing to be happy about, having any of it isn't really going to help my health. I've just been craving sugar all week. I know it's boredom eating, otherwise anything would have done.And it always happens in the evening. I've become more acutely aware of it as we are broke and recovering from Christmas, so there were only the essentials bought for the last fortnight. I've been searching for options to have. But there has not been anything that was easy at hand.

So, what am I going to do to help myself? I don't know. I've pretty much shut myself away for the last week or so. Broke, feeling down, I've pretty much just eaten, slept, read books and got on Facebook a little. Not as much. I deleted most of the time zapping games. I was spending hours on them with no sign of ever catching up!
I've got to get out of my head and back into the world. I've got to start looking after myself. Why is that so hard to do?
I've quit smoking again. Being broke helped that, but I know I needed to do it. The girls were hassling me to quit again. It's really another reason I've been hiding away. It's easier to stay away from them if I'm away from the other people who do it.

Well, before I decide to delete all this, I'm going to go and click publish.

I'm struggling, there's no magic cure for that.

Til next time,
Ness.

Mood swings aint in it!!

I had an awesome weekend. I went to the World Vegan Day festival on Sunday. It was amazing! Incredibly busy. They didn't expect the crowds that came. There was a fantastic array of food, amazing causes and charities to help animals, cruelty free cosmetics and soaps and  there were stalls advertising Vegan Superannuation and life insurance. I had a really good talk with some of the stallholders.

This is Leo. He is the mascot of Humane Research Australia His story is here. http://www.humaneresearch.org.au/campaigns/Leos_story
I couldn't resist getting one for each of my girls. Especially once I'd read his story.

I felt a little foolish and naive at one point. There was a stall about stopping Rabbit farming. I asked my friend why would they farm Rabbits? She replied "do you eat rabbit". No, I do not eat Bug Bunny. I see them as either someone's pet or the wild ones that plague the small farms down the road from us. I do not see them as food. Apparently I ate it once when I was really little. Dad made a rabbit stew and my family didn't tell me. But it was awful, so the joke was on them. !!

I only felt judged once. I was talking to a stall holder about my fussy eater and we were talking about options. He asked if she ate Mashed potato. I replied no, she didn't "what kid doesn't like mashed potato?" The woman working on the stall turned to me and said "one who doesn't want starchy carbs" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?! I just looked at her. What 7 year old would know what starchy carbs are???
But then the guys asked if we have tried sweet potato. I replied "yes, that's all we have". HA! Suck shit, judgemental bitch! We don't give our kids starchy carbs! Well... at least not potato, don't ask about pasta. :)

So, I've come home with so much information and so many pamphlets to go through. I want to implement some changes, but I am going to have to do it very slowly so the kids and Hubby don't freak out too much.


So, I got home from the Festival, after spending some lovely time at my friend's house.

That night I found myself feeling very positive and focused. I decided that I want to have a big 40th blowout and I'm hoping that I can organise for Ken and I to renew our wedding vows, as my birthday is our wedding anniversary. I started researching the best date, checking for Easter and school holidays. We also want to got to Adelaide that year, he can go to the supercars race, the girls and I can go to the Adelaide Fringe Festival. I looked at how to get rid of our credit card first and have enough money to do all this in 18 months. I finished the weekend feeling great and deciding that I would keep working at my job and remind myself every day I have a goal to achieve!!

I lasted 1 and a half days...

I got hauled in the office and was told that my negative comments were not appreciated. All because while the boss was barking at us to hurry up and get started, I happened to murmer that "we don't get paid until 7 o'clock". If only they could hear what is said when they are not around! What I said is nothing!! That place is toxic.
I finished the day in a better mood. I realised that it's not me that creates this negative feeling. When one of the bigger bosses makes a crack about people taking too much time off, it shows where the negativity comes from.
So, for now, I keep plodding along, but there has to be something better out there. I am torn between just resigning and taking the risk of finding something else, or keeping at it and trying to find something that fits better, with supervisors that treat us like real people. Of course, there are my huge plans to consider too. How do I finance them without a job?

Til next time
Ness.

Meh...

Plot is gone. I took today off work as I had nearly no sleep all night, so was exhausted and my back was killing me! I went to the physio tonight and had it looked at.
But all day I ate. Grazing wasn't in it! It was whatever I could get my hands on, slowly consumed all day.

I am in a hole and I don't really feel strong enough to claw my way out at the moment. I feel powerless to know how to change my career, I feel hopeless. I am still not smoking, but I don't have the coping strategies at the front of my mind to deal with my emotions with anything else but feeling miserable and eating.

Hopefully tonight I'll get a good night's sleep and I can get back on track tomorrow.

Til Next time,
Ness.

Change has to be slow or I'll crash and burn...

So, I got on the scales this morning and my weight gain has hit 5kg. Not happy.
I've begun to look at things I can change to improve my health. I have reduced my breakfast from 3 pieces of toast to 2. I was finding I would end up with stomach cramps in the morning. And just because I can eat 3, doesn't mean I should. I am finding I am fine until tea break now.
I have also cut out sugar in my coffee. It's something that Hubby has said I should do for a long time. I am drinking it weak at the moment and it's been good.
So, that's been this week's changes. I am still working on drinking more water, but that's up and down, as usual. I have to get my head around drinking more. I have the problem that I have been told with the smaller stomach that I shouldn't drink within a certain time before or after food. That's great, if I could sip water while I was working, but I'm not allowed. So, I have to take in fluids in my breaks. On that directive, I can eat, or I can drink. So I ignore it and have a bit of both. I used to have my yoghurt and muesli at tea break, but I've moved that to lunch and have a piece of fruit, a cheese and bikkies and as much water as I can at tea break.

My main stumbling block is eating when I'm at home. Whether it's night time, after work or on my days off. I'm eating more than I should. I can graze and that's not a good thing. I know a lot of it is boredom. I will look at that later, but for now I will just keep these changes going and make them stick.

I just feel so yuk! I know I'm not back to where I was, but I look at my stomach (where the weight has gone to) and it's hard not to feel that I've undone it all. My bypass wont let me back to square one, but I'm not feeling too much like a success at the moment.

Til Next Time,
Ness

Ok, so this feels like it's going to be an annual thing. Let's just start with today.

I thought I was ready to start blogging again. I have had this page open for days. I have got so many draft pages typed from the last year that I have never posted. It's been 3 years since I had my first bariatric operation. It should all be a big success story. I should be at goal and able to show my "after" photos.
but the reality is that my head is all over the place and I can't seem to focus on what I need to do.

I am going to be one of the people I used to hate. I have gained 4 kilos. Now, when I was 150kg that meant nothing to me. I could gain 4kg without thinking about it and I wouldn't even notice it! I wore baggy and stretchy clothes and when you've got half your body weight to lose, what's 4kg?!

But now I've gone from 89kg to 93kg. Last week I went to put on a skirt that I last wore in December and there was no way it was going over my thighs. My tshirts are not fitting properly and I'm not game to try on my jeans. I am starting to panic. I feel so out of control  and am scared that this is my bypass no longer working for me and I'm going to end up back where I started.

Logic would say that I need to watch what I'm eating and start exercising. The reality is far different and I'm not coping right now.

I have created so many excuses and distractions for myself that I don't feel like I can claw my way back to reality.
I am going to indulge myself for a minute and look at my excuses.

I've quit smoking. Now, I quit in July. I created the situation where I would succeed. I don't have any smokes in the house. I no longer sit in the smokers' area at work, I changed my habits and work through any cravings. I haven't used patches or ecigs. I have succeeded because I have logically known that cravings will pass and not allowed myself to give into them. How good it would be to use the same approach to eating healthy!

I've gone back onto depo provera injections. The last time I was on them, I gained a LOT of weight. My doctor was adamant that it wasn't the injections that caused the gain, so I don't know if it's a psychological thing that I've created or if she's partly right where the medication doesn't in itself cause weight gain, but the hormone could cause hunger.

I've developed anaemia. Partly that would be from a lack of eating iron rich foods, partly because I haven't been taking my multivitamin and the bypass causes malabsorbtion which requires me to take a multivitamin!
It causes exhaustion. So I just haven't been bothered exercising.

My job isn't satisfying so in the last month or so I've had a hard time dealing with work, plus going through some family shit this year that spiralled me into depression for a short time until I could resolve it. And then some other shit that I had no control over.  I haven't worked on my emotional eating.

Oh yeah, and I hate my gastric bypass and I miss my sleeve. The sleeve did it's job, the bypass is just making me sick. I didn't want the malabsorbtion .I just wanted the restriction. Well, the bypass isn't giving me the same amount of restriction.

I'm all over the place. So no success story here yet.
I know what I have to do. I always know what I have to do. I'm just not feeling in control enough to make the changes.

Water, calories, exercise. It's not rocket science! It never has been. So why does it feel so difficult?

The other problem I have is that I don't feel like I have a support group. I have a lots to lose group who are lovely and awesome, but I don't feel like I can post "I've gained 4kg", purely because of what I said previously about when I was large. I joined a sleeve support website just before I had my first surgery and that was fantastic. But I'm not a sleever anymore.
I joined a gastric bypass group on Facebook, but most of them are at their liquid diet stage or have just had surgery. And I really have to stop myself from replying when they thank God for their bypass. Seriously?
it's like the first time my daughter tried to say grace. I said "Why are you thanking God? I cooked tea, not him". If there really is a God, I am so going to burn in hell!! :)
Anyway, I digress. I need a group that has had their surgery over a year ago, the novelty has worn off and the hard work begins.
Bariatric surgery is a tool. It's not the solution. I am testament to that. It's easy to begin with. You eat less, your body loses weight, you move more because you're not lugging an extra person worth of weight. But, as with all weightloss, towards the end, it gets more difficult to to lose. The plateaus begin. The frustration sets in, the panic that it's all going pear shaped. I need to find a place that understands what's going on and can help me.

So that's where I am right now. Reading this post back, this year has flown, so much has happened that it feels like 2 years packed into one. But I really have lost myself in all this. Maybe it's time to find myself again. It's time to find the time to find myself again. LOL

Til next time,
Ness.

Saturday night rave!

Great! My internet is stuffed. I've just connected through my mobile phone because after 5 minutes I hadn't even gotten to the Facebook homepage! I did see that my phone company had confirmed that hackers had accessed personal details and they were threatening further chaos by preventing access to the internet. It's a protest over something, I can't remember what. So I'll just leave it for tonight and have a look tomorrow. My phone got straight in, so I'll just do that for tonight.

My focus on food and water lasted about 3 days and then I just started eating whatever I could put my hands on. My weight has stayed put, so it's small mercies that it hasn't crept up. I'm fighting a mental battle over exercise. I just don't want to do it. I don't know why, I am using the excuse it's too cold, but there is some mental barrier to me JFDI!

Might work on what's stopping me.

til next time,
Ness.

Tuesday report. I need to get a life!!

Nothing like being a million years behind on nutritional fads. I had my first scrambled egg whites today. I couldn't get over how much I had, yet it was only 71 calories! It was the equivalent of about 2 whole eggs, which I had the previous day, and they were 165 calories.
Whenever I heard "egg white omelette", I was always put off. I aways thought of it as a whole food, clean eating  "my body is a temple" kind of thing and that was never me, cos I love chocolate too much. Maybe it was my inner child throwing a tanty because she wasn't getting yolks? Or the whole rebel thing because in the 80s eggs were evil, the yolks caused heart attacks? Maybe my Scottish blood coming through and I didn't want to waste the yolks? Maybe too much time analysing the merits of eggs and not enough just eating the damn things.

Anyway, they were yummy. I was able to put a bit of cheese spread on my piece of toast and not feel guilty. A bit of tomato and onion through it would have topped it off nicely!

I weighed myself this morning. I've lost 1.2kg, since I restarted. I know this is all fluid, but it's lovely to feel at least a little safely away from 90kg.

Calories up a bit. 2241. Silly me bought some chocolate from a friend. There's 450 calories I didn't need, but am so weak when it comes to the demon sweet. This is why I don't keep it in the house.

And with all that, I managed to drink 6 glasses of water today! Yay! I've cut my coffee down to only one or two a day now, so  I have more room for water. :-) At least that's the theory. :-)

So it was a mixed day today.

Til next time,
Ness.

Just a little report on my day foodwise.

Calories today were 2152. Another drop from yesterday of a whole 47 calories. :-)

However, today I focused on getting lots of protein in. I exceeded the level of protein recommended for me. I also felt a lot fuller today. I wasn't feeling the emptiness as often. I'll keep tweaking. I made a batch of lemon butter tonight (not for me, don't like the stuff)  that needed just yolks, so I'll be having an egg white scram for breakfast tomorrow.
The planning did help too. Often I'll look at what I've planned and say "I don't want that", but today I really enjoyed my menu. Scrambled eggs for breakfast, chicken and salad wrap for lunch and lambs fry and bacon for dinner. If I just hadn't made a silverside and cheese sandwich at 11pm, I wouldn't have blown my calories so far out. (Apparently the lettuce made it healthy!)  Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

I need to go and drink another glass of water. I may not be moving forward with drinking water, but I'm sure as shit not going backwards, at least not today. 3 glasses again today.

Scintillating entry, but needed to get it down to keep me a little accountable for my food.

Til next time,
Ness.

Day 2, again...

I've tracked my calories over the last two days. Yesterday was 2704. According to Calorie King I'm supposed to be on 1450. So that's nearly double. When I was at my highest weight, I could put away 4000 calories no problem! A KFC meal for me would have been my current calorie requirements! Nothing to be proud of, just remembering where I was. Last time I was on Calorie King, my calories were supposed to be 2000.

But anyway, I have been making an effort to increase my fruit and veggies. Yesterday and today I've had a banana and an orange. More fruit than I've eaten for a while. Tonight we had a chicken wrap for tea. My main problem is having too much of a good thing. I'm not stopping when I should. I felt very full after dinner, but these days that feeling doesn't last too long. That annoys me. When I had my sleeve it was a lot easier to stop.
I'm still snacking in the evenings. Today's calories were 2199. An improvement on yesterday. And I've managed 3 glasses of water again. Two whole days of consistency. :-)

The main thing is the head hunger. I'm not supposed to feel hunger anymore. The ghrelin hormone has been removed from my stomach, but I feel empty and want to eat.

Protein is meant to be my focus. Maybe an egg on toast instead of cereal for breakfast tomorrow.

I do have a question, though. If my bypass is designed to reduce the calories I absorb, how many calories am I supposed to have? Maybe 1450 is going to be too low as I'm not absorbing them all. I'll aim to reduce down to this for now, but if I'm trying to gnaw my own arm off from "hunger", or I'm feeling weak, grumpy or even dizzy, I'll increase it. Guess I've got to get to it first!

For one of the first times I have just planned my food for the day. Depressing! I've got 88 calories left without even including snacks! I'll have to tweak quantities and what I'm putting into my meals. I was shocked that 30g of flour has 107 calories! Almost as much as the 100g of lambs fry I'm  planning on having. Hmmm... don't think that 100g of lambs fry will get covered in that much flour! I need a bit more practice in counting my calories. I haven't done it for over 2 years. Who am I kidding, I haven't really done it for about 4 years! But right now I'm doing it. I've got to start somewhere!

Til next time,
Ness.

Reflection

Feeling a lot more positive today. I need to make changes, cos I'm not eating as well as I should. I have gained weight. This should not be happening and I have to take responsibility for my diet and not rely on my body to deal with it all. I also have a real fear of going back to the surgeon with a gain for him to record. I already had a small gain last time and I have to reverse that so I don't undo my good work.
I know that sounds silly, but when I had the sleeve, I physically could not eat much. I didn't feel hunger and I couldn't emotionally eat because it didn't fit! Now I can eat more than I could before. Twice as much, it seems. I'm not back to where I was, but I don't get the pain of fullness anymore. If I eat too much, I feel sick. Apparently this is not enough to pull me into line.
I haven't been drinking water, it's been coffee and tea all the time. I started today with a big glass of water. I'm sipping that at the moment. I've also snuck back into Calorieking.com.au and started logging my food. This is probably the most important factor. I can eat a normal diet now. Unfortunately I haven't been taking advantage of that and eating healthy food. There was a risk of dumping syndrome with the bypass. It did happen a little earlier in the piece, but I'm not having a huge reaction to chocolate or junk food. Not good.

This is why I wanted a sleeve, to be able to physically stop myself eating! My body has forsaken me!

Exercise is to come. For now I need to get this water into me.

til next time,
Ness

Psychobabble Qu'est que ce...

Every time I get on here I think "wow, it's been ages since I posted". I had big plans to post every day. But then life gets in the way. A mundane life that doesn't feel worthy of being posted about. Get up, get the kids to school, get on the computer to play whatever time wasting game takes my fancy that day. Go to the odd appointment. Help out at the school with fundraising, spelling in a grade 2 class and canteen duty. That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

Even with life getting in the way, I have so looked forward to the school holidays. I have been tired, run down and depressed for the last month or so. Another reason for not posting. I wanted my blog to be an inspirational journey of someone who was changing their life, losing half their bodyweight and becoming a new person. Turns out I'm the same person, just with 65kg less fat on me. Real inspirational.

I have started seeing a psychologist. I had my second session today. He's told me to work on expressing my feelings. Apparently it's ok to say my Mum did a shit job of raising me. I survived, but it was despite her, not because of her. My life could have gone such a different way if I didn't have the strength inside me to keep going, cos she sure as shit didn't help me along.

Even reading that back, I want to delete it. How can I write that about my mother? It was funny, he was talking about the two areas in parenting, discipline and nurturing, and that she had failed me on both counts. My first reaction inside was "you can't say that about my mother!" But I spent so much time trying to look after her and protect her, I never saw that she was supposed to be looking after me! No wonder I'm fucked up!! 


Now, it's all very Freudian to blame my mother for everything that is wrong with my life. I walked away from the first session feeling like "not this old topic again". But having had time to think about it all, I've never dealt with my childhood, never processed it or been able to make peace with it. The thing that got me to making that first appointment is the fact that I have a pattern. I do so much that I get run down. I ignore the tiredness and keep going. I then find something totally unrelated to why I'm so tired and blow up at the person involved in that. A couple of days of adrenalin to stew over it, then into depression, realising I shouldn't have blown and that I'm a horrible person and questioning every conversation that I've had with anybody ever to show how I always say the wrong things, do the wrong things and that I shouldn't be doing anything that involves interacting with other people. 
This pattern has been going on for most of my life. I remember as a 12 year old calling a friend's dad "Hitler".  I never liked him, I think I projected my Dad onto him. Easier to be angry with someone who is there than someone who isn't.  See, unrelated person to lash out at! I was banned from his house, funnily enough!
I think 25 years is long enough, Time to break the patterns.


Til Next time,
Ness.  

Things are going along alright. I had to go back to hospital at the start of May. I developed an infection and needed IV antibiotics to get better. It was a 5 day stay that time, so in terms of my stays it was a short one. 

I'm still on antibiotic tablets, as well as stomach acid reducers, magnesium and potassium.

I get tired later in the day. Today I was back in bed at 11:30am after getting the girls off to school and watching The Circle. Mind you, it's been a busy few days. The school had their Bunnings BBQ on Sunday, then I spent Monday and Tuesday mornings at the school. I just needed a day off today. 

I'm trying to get food under control. Again. Getting so tired, I just can't be bothered cooking. I've found it better to cook when I have the energy and freeze extra meals. Like tonight. After having my  afternoon nap, I was up to cooking. I made a cottage pie and some butternut macaroni and cheese. It's so yum. I got it from escape from obesity's blog. I've made it a few times.  

When I freeze these meals, I have decided to stuff what the kids eat, they are fussy buggers. They can have something else and I can enjoy my favourites. 

I have such a problem with my youngest one's eating. She has such a limited menu to choose from. It's easier to list what she will eat than what she wont. She's 5 years old now and there is no sign of her attitude to trying new things improving. She'd rather just go without than try anything different. I put a post up on Facebook asking for a local tried and approved of paediatrician and was given some terrific advice on how to get her to eat. All of which I had already tried. Get her to help cook, let her pick what to have, buy some kids recipe books, send her to bed without dinner if she refuses to eat "that will fix her in a couple of months". Done them all. She has said on a couple of occasions that if she tries something new, she'll throw up. It happened once before. Nothing serious, but enough to affect her. I'm surprised nobody suggested giving her a multivitamin! That would be funny, trying to get her to swallow that! 

But on a positive note, I've got the number of a local Paed who's helped my great nephew. We wont be seeing him until the 29th of June, but I think we can survive until then. Just.

Til next time,

Ness.

I got home yesterday at around lunchtime. Finally free! It felt good to be out of there.
I'm still sore and moving very slowly, but I'm getting there slowly.

I had some wonderful friends come over and help clean up my house today. Ken's back is too bad to handle anything strenuous at the moment. I think it's had enough of being a single Dad. :-) So I put a post on Facebook and asked for some help. I know my family, if they see the post, will be annoyed they weren't asked, but I've got weeks of recovery to go and will need them too as time goes on.

It was hard to write that post. I'm not one to ask for a lot of help. But I am getting better. Once I had kids I realised I couldn't do it all on my own. I tried not to compare myself to the woman around me who thought they could.  I thought I must be a horrible mother for asking people to help me with the girls. They never did, barely even their husbands got a look in.  Then I started seeing how much they missed out on because they couldn't bare to let someone else in. And their kids had separation anxiety at kinder and school because they weren't used to being with anyone else. I realised it was a win for my children to be able to spend time with others. I have some "me" time and can get what I need to done.
I guess the main thing that slowed me down was the fact that I was letting people in to see how bad my house was!! That's more scary than anything!

I weighed myself this morning. Thought I'd see what's been happening since I went into hospital. Obviously the first number I look at is the second one, because the first noticed the "7". Shit! How did I gain 5 kilos??
Oh, the first number has changed! I'm down to 87.6kg! Holy Fuck!! I know nil by mouth aids weightloss, but the hospital scales said I'd only lost 2kg. I've lost 6.4kg since I went into surgery. That's pretty cool, I guess. I think I'm at a weight I've haven't seen since high school. That's not saying a lot, I've never been a petite girl.

I must admit, I was expecting to only be able to eat small amounts after surgery, but it doesn't seem to be any different to before surgery. Although, I'm still on liquids, we'll see what happens when I get onto mushies. Oh, how I'd love some scrambled eggs!!

Til Next Time,
Ness.

the dreams I've had so far while on medication in hospital.

Went on some obscure Adam Hills game show, it had frank woodley on it as well as some other acts I didn't know. I got on the stage as the opening song was starting. Everyone kept moving around onto each other's teams, very mad hatter style., my makeup wasn't even done properly and I kept turning the wrong way. Possibly the worst filming ever It was a store in between takes at an airport

Was on Desperate housewives, but it was real! :-)

At Wimbledon making a doubles partnership a sandwich with some special dressing they really liked. Had to tell the other players off to stop them eating it. This was after the umpire had told them off for complaining about not getting any more of it.

our house became a farm after our cow died and then had a wooden face, which we kept. then it became a zoo. The donkey and the dog kept escaping. We had a parade where we were given a new cow. and then had a party afterwards.

These are the ones I remember. I'll write more down as I remember them.

Onto day 3. Getting easier to move, but still sore. My throat is caning from the naso gastric tube. They gave me lignocaine, it did stuff all. The only thing that is really helping it is ice. 

I am not up to drinking anything yet. That may happen today, not sure. 

I'm basically zombified from ketamine and morphine. I basically can't do anything! Oh well, sleep and listen to podcasts is all I'm doing at the moment. 

And falling asleep while blogging...

Til next time,

Ness.

progress

I'm in hospital. Surgery is done. I am sore and groggy and tired. I have tubes coming out everywhere. I am going to make this a short post, as I am dozing off at the drop of a hat and I don't want to waste power on my laptop. There is a shortage of powerpoints in my room. I also can't move around much, so I can't look for them yet.

I've made it through. Everyone seems happy with my progress. I'm just waiting til Friday, that's when I can start drinking. That will be interesting.


Just exhausted, so I'll leave it here. There would be other far more interesting blogs to read right now.

Til next time
Ness

Tomorrow is my Gastric Bypass surgery. I am nervous, scared, glad to be getting it done, but also dreading what will happen afterwards. I am scared there will be more complications and I'll be stuck in there for longer AGAIN! But something has to finally go my way. It's been against me for long enough.
I don't regret having it done, but if I had have known the complications would go on for so long, I might have tried the band first. Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it?

I will have a computer in hospital, so I'll be able to post on here and Facebook. Hopefully it will save my sanity.

Til next time,
Ness.

Pissed off!

I'm going to rant. I've had a day and I'm feeling so powerless and angry. It could just be silly, but right now it upsets me, so I need an outlet

We went to a school fete today. It started out awesome. They have fantastic stalls and each year we buy a ride pass for my kids and my friends' kids so they can have unlimited rides. This year I let the kids go and made a single point for them to come back to so they knew where to find me. I was a little stressed about this, because it was the first time I'd let them go on their own, but they did really well and I wandered around and often found where they had lined up for rides. It gave me a chance to go to stalls they didn't want to look at. I bought some plants, some chutney and lemon butter and had a good wander around the white elephant stall.

My friend and I were sitting at the waiting point waiting for the kids to come back for some lunch. Unfortunately there are some older boys who brought a novelty item called a fart bomb to the fete. The school made the mistake of selling them last year and unfortunately the local milk bar sold them this year. I spent the whole time keeping an eye out to make sure they weren't set off near me. There was one particular boy who decided he wanted to get us. He'd done it to my friends last year and obviously remembered the friend I was with from last year and thought I was his wife. He threw one near us as he ran past. He spent the next 2 hours trying to get us again. My friend decided to go wait somewhere else, but not before we went and spoke to the school principal. He went to have a look, but said he couldn't do anything about the older boys who were there. I decided also to move away from the playground and told the kids to meet me at another point. The little shit followed me! I went to the rides my kids were waiting on. He followed me and threw one over my shoulder! I turned around and went back to the principal. But I had to go back to my kids.  He was there again. Every time I looked up, he was near, but not close enough to get a bomb in. He'd then walk off and try to find another vantage point. I finally couldn't put up with it any more. I decided to take the girls to see the petting zoo. I headed to the front of the school, stupidly thinking that would be the end of it. He followed me again. I turned and asked him what his problem was. "come here if you have a problem". He walked off. But by the time we got to the front of the school, I stopped to say hello to one of the mums I knew. The little shit followed me and ended up at the front of the school, near where the animals were. That was the final straw. I couldn't put my kids and I in a confined area where he would not hesitate to throw one of those stupid things in. I bought the girls a snow cone and decided to head to my friend's car. Guess what happened? Yep, the little shit followed me. My friend was parked between a football oval and tennis courts. We stood there for about 15 minutes and in that time he moved from the edge of the car park, to the other side of the tennis courts, then settled on the football oval. Was that over? No. We decided that I would take my girls home and Ken would take my niece and nephew home when they got back to the car when the rides finished in half an hour's time. My friend had other kids to take home.
As I started to drive around the football oval I saw him running across it. I didn't like the look of that, certainly didn't trust him. He might have been trying to get one more bomb onto my car. There was a building blocking his view, so I turned around and headed around the other way to get out. I saw Ken following him across the oval, so I knew he wouldn't cross back. I then saw my friend take off in his car. At this point I didn't want to know what was going to happen, I left it up to them.
The gutless little shit ran! Funnily enough, right past my car as I was about to turn out onto the street. I was good, I didn't hit him and at this stage, he was going too fast to throw anything at me.
Apparently Ken and my friend had a chat to the gutless one's friends. They didn't see a problem with what had gone on. Ken informed them it was stalking and could be arrested for it! Not to mention the fact that he was mighty pissed that someone was upsetting his wife! He's kinda protective like that.

It was a disappointing end to what started as a good day. I know a fart bomb isn't going to physically hurt me, but it was still stressful that we couldn't just sit and enjoy the day without the worry that these little shits were going to let these things off. Everyone who walked past was scrutinised, I was watching hands for bombs. We've decided that unless things change drastically next year, it will be the last time we go. We don't need the stress.

It's taken me a couple of hours to write this. I have calmed down a lot now, but I will still be writing a letter to the principal, the president of the fundraising committee AND the school council. I'm still angry enough for that, but I'll keep the police out of it.

Til next time,
Ness.