Every time I come on here, I go "wow, it's been ages since I've been on here!!" Tonight is no different.



I read my last post, in June. I wasn't at the other end of my troubles. The doctors would have me nil by mouth which, of course, would reduce the amount leaking out of my stomach. I would go home and end up back in again when I started putting my stomach under any strain. It didn't take much. When water was pouring out of the drainage tube hole, then diet coke, then the blue dye they made me drink to test it, they finally glued the hole up.

But I'm still leaking. Just a little, but I'm back in for a day procedure in a couple of weeks. More glue.



I have lost 42kg now. the procedure has done it's job. I am eating less and losing weight.

My head hasn't caught up with the scales. I've started going clothes shopping. My body apparently is a size 20 now. My head still thinks my body is a size 24. I still have to stop myself from thinking "I can't get that, what if I gain weight and can't wear it? I have to remind myself to get a smaller size if I want to put it away for a while, not a bigger one. It's such a weird feeling.



Even wearing the clothes that I have bought feels weird. I have been wearing my size 24-26 clothes even now, so to wear that size 20, I think "is it too small" and have the feelings that I had when I would wear clothes that I had grown out of because I'd put on weight, but had to wear cos nothing else fit. I guess I fear I am going too small too quickly with my clothes. But I can't get a bigger size, cos it wont last.

I have never really felt comfortable in clothes, never know what looks good. But I can't be naked, cos I'd get arrested. Not to mention making people around me feel physically ill.



So much fodder for my next counselling session!!!



Til next time,

Ness.

Wow, it's been quite a while since I posted in here.

So, I survived my 3 weeks of Optifast. I had a lot of help and support, made a few phone calls to keep me on track, for stupid things like "remind me why I can't have tuna on my salad?" and to get through the cravings of silly things like toasted cheese or a vegemite sandwich.

I had my surgery. Developed a couple of infections, spent 5 out of the first 8 weeks in hospital.
It looks like I'm at the other end of that.

Now I have to deal with the whole idea that my stomach wont fit in what my head thinks it will.
Ever absentmindedly sipped a cup of tea while doing something else? Not anymore. I've found that out the hard way a couple of times.

The amount I can eat and drink is slowly increasing, but it's only teaspoons worth, maybe a tablespoon. I have to be patient, but it's so frustrating when I'm eating something that tastes so good. I guess it's all about retraining my head to look after me. I physically can't eat it, so the inner child has to live with that. there's no trying to have "one more spoon", there is just no space for that. It causes pain and nausea.

Still a long way to go. But now I can see progress I'm slowly coming out of the feeling of "what the hell have I done?"
And it's not progress on the scales. I have to admit, I've weighed myself, but it's purely because I'm getting asked how much I've lost. I have been so unwell, I don't care what the scales say. I just want to get better. I want to be able to eat that small entree sized meal I was promised. I'm not worrying about the nutritional content of foods, I'm eating maybe 5 tablespoons of food a day and around 1 litre of fluids. That is not going to make me gain weight. I don't need to eat "diet" foods at the moment!
For anyone who is curious, including the pre-op diet, I've lost 27kgs in 10 weeks. I was nil by mouth for about 2.5 of those weeks and on fluids only for another 2.5 weeks. I've been eating mushy foods for the last 2 weeks and have slowly been trying other things, like dry biscuits, but mainly things that are light and wont feel like a rock in my stomach. Not the ideal way to lose that much weight.

Based on my own experiences, the way I feel now, I would not recommend this procedure. That's not to say I may change my mind when I'm "normal" and get that small entree I want.

I made my decision to have this surgery, now I will live with it and learn to appreciate my smaller stomach. I can't go back. Only forward.

Til next time,

Ness