Back again. I thought about going back to posting in my old Calorie King blog, but I really don't want to have to deal with explaining myself or defending my surgery choices with a bunch of newbies that just don't get it. I've seen too many people have to deal with keyboard warriors. I'll post here, where nobody knows where I'm hiding, especially since it looks like CK has removed my blog post linking it to here. CK is fantastic for their food diary, but as for the people that use it, I guess it takes all kinds. I've made some awesome friends, but I've also seen how horrible people can be.
So, I quit smoking again. I'm feeling very strong about it at the moment. Of course there's the odd craving and really strong urge to ask someone for one. But that's how I always, always start back again. So I fight every impulse to ask. The 19th of September was the last time I had one. Financially I can't afford to start again, so that's a strong motivator too. My daughter and I have started doing personal training sessions once a week. My smoke money pays for that now. I can't let her down.
As for the weightloss journey, the long, long, long journey, I have been pretty stable the last 6 months. Ideally I'd like to get to my goal weight, but I really don't think I'd be able to maintain it. I still say there is something wrong with my bypass. I am having a gastroscopy hopefully early next year, I have been having pain in my stomach that comes and goes. I don't know if it's an ulcer or gastritis. I've told the surgeon to have a look at what's going on while he's in there. I'm adamant there is not enough restriction. He obsesses about the number on the scales more than I do. I must be ruining his stats or something. Until the last visit, he just kept telling me to go back to the dietician. Seriously, I could be a dietician with all the knowledge I have of food and nutrition. I'm not perfect, but I was doing a damn sight better with my leaky sleeve than I have been with the bypass. The dietician just kept saying "yeah, you did better because you were sick." Well, make me sick, because the restriction worked!!
That last statement is so incredibly illogical and ridiculous, just reading it back makes me realise how unhealthy the whole weightloss objective is. It should be about health, not the scales. It's what I'm trying to show my daughters. I fight fatigue every day. I have been fighting depression for the last year at least. I have just felt like none of it is worth it, what's the point of even getting out of bed. It could be a midlife crisis, I don't know. I turn 40 next year. Some women must go through this. It's just that we don't buy an expensive sportscar and date men half our age to try and recapture our youth. I feel like I'm now starting to come out of the dark fog, but every now and again, it envelopes me just a little. I have felt lost for a very long time. I really don't know what path I want to go down, so I just sit at the gate not making any decisions. It used to be that I was just thinking about things, now it just feels like a paralysis, making me unable to take the leap because what if I fail? That is a question I really need to analyse. It's what's holding me back. Not exactly sure what it's holding me back from though.
Til next time,
Ness.
