My Progress

Saturday, February 28, 2009

This is really long... and appears to be the first and second signs of insanity!!

Ok, time to analyse myself.

what is stopping me from doing what I need to do to lose weight?

Ok, I can't be bothered.

But can't be bothered doing what?

What I am supposed to do. Giving a damn about what I'm eating. Getting up and exercising. It's far easier to eat cookies than count calories.

Ok. what are you going to do when those calories push the scales up?

Ummm... Beat myself up for not doing the right thing and go eat more cookies.

Riiiiigggghhhhttt, cos that's a totally logical thing to do!

Yeah, your point?

How about breaking the cycle??

It sounds too much like hard work.

What exactly is too much hard work?

Ok, I have to make sure I have healthy food in the house. And that there are no binge foods. Chocolate, biscuits, cake, icecream. Cheese.
I have to make sure my clothes are clean so I can go to the gym to workout or get to a class.
I also have to get my head in a place that even a weak excuse doesn't keep me home.
I have to be organised so I can make dinner in time, instead of waiting until it's too late and then making a sandwich, or whatever other rubbish is on hand and easy to make.
I have to stop adding cordial to my water.
The hardest work is trying to convince myself that I want this badly enough. Right now I feel like I should wake up every day wanting this, but I don't. I have a list of reasons. I have a netball skirt sitting there that I can't wear yet, but I still don't get motivated to change. I still have 30 kilos to lose to get to my initial goal. Even breaking that down to a 5kg mini goal feels overwhelming.

So do you want to change things? Or are you happy the way things are?

I do need to change things. I need to stop my self destructive ways.

How do you feel you are being self destructive?

I'm smoking again.

Why do you think that is?

I bought a packet when I went to my stepfather's funeral. Normally I would just buy one packet and once they were finished that would be it, but I'm on my 4th packet now.

Why is this time different?

I just don't care. I feel like crap all the time. A smoke takes me out of the house for 5 minutes and gives me time alone.

Do you think there could be other ways to give yourself time out?

Of course.

How else do you feel you are being self destructive?

Food and exercise. Oh, and not drinking enough water, just generally not looking after myself. And consciously not looking after myself, almost deliberately. Like I'm not worth caring about.

Are you not worth caring about?

There are days where I don't feel like I am. They seem to be more often than not. I spend so much time running around for the girls, and for Ken, that my needs get pushed aside. sometimes it's a fair compromise, but some days I feel like I'm the one doing all the compromising. in the end, nobody is looking out for me.

So, what do you think you can do to turn things around?

I need to stop going around in circles for starters. I seem to beat myself up so often. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising enough, I'm not doing enough housework. I'm not working hard enough at my volunteer work. I'm not spending enough time with my girls. When I want things for me, I'm being selfish.

So, how can you change these things?

I have made attempts to change things. I create a new routine, and it works for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, but then I get lazy, or the old habits creep back in. maybe I need to create better triggers to remind me to do that housework, better planning so that I don't have to worry about whether I can be bothered cooking.
That is my downfall, continuing the planning. I often feel like "I did the planning last week, I shouldn't have to do it again."

But you do. History has shown you that. Pick one thing, what's your plan for next week?
A little voice in my head says it should be focusing on weightloss, but let's be honest, it aint gonna happen. A couple of hours of talking to myself has not created a miracle!!

So, housework. It's falling behind.

The dishwasher has to go on every day.
The washing machine has to go on every day.
I will also follow the Flylady principle that anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. Every day, 15 minutes of cleaning and/or decluttering. I have a timer, I can do it. I will do it.

The dishwasher and washing machine are on almost everyday anyway, but sometimes I forget, or get sidetracked, so I am going to focus on getting it all up to date.

How are you going to implement your plan?

Washing machine has to go on in the morning. cleaning will be done while 4yo is at kinder, or in the afternoons on the days she's home. Dishwasher will be emptied in the morning and refilled and switched on if full at lunchtime. (We have a dishdrawer and only one drawer works, so essentially we only have 1/2 a dishwasher!!)
I will set my alarm every day to remind me. My daily flylady emails help me too.
I just worry that Amy will try to buck the system.

In what way will Amy buck the system?

Oh, by deciding she can't be bothered doing it right now, she can do it later. Only later never comes and everything just gets messier and further behind. I'm raiding 4yo's kinder bag for her spare clothes because she's run out of underwear and tripping over toys because the loungeroom hasn't been tidied.

So what will you say to her when she tries it on?

Hmmm... what do you want to do instead?? Can you do it after I've got this job done?

Sounds like a good plan. Put it in action!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

It's the usual raging Friday night here. Ken's off at his boyfriend's house and I'm here with the girls. They are asleep, absolutely exhausted from the week. 4yo is tiring from the 4 hour kinder sessions. 2yo isn't coping too well either. She's pretty much given up on her afternoon naps. Mind you, when she does have the odd one, I can't get her to sleep before 9pm.

I'm still not feeling well, but at least the runs have stopped. I didn't play netball on Thursday. I've been having small naps in the afternoon, for what the girls will let me.

Playgroup went well today, not what we had planned, but the kids wouldn't know any different. I've got quite a good scam going. I read the kids a story and sing songs with them while all the other mums pack up!! :-) It's working really, really well. But I will have to ask if anyone else is interested in doing it, to at least keep up the appearance of fair play!! I love doing it, so I don't mind at all.

So much for my big plans to exercise 5 out of 7 days!! I have been unwell the last 4 Tuesdays, it's getting ridiculous!! I know, I know, get to a doctor. I'm almost certain that this one will be put down to a virus, so why waste the time and money?

My friends have been feeling unwell too. I have one friend who hasn't had a week this year where herself or at least one child hasn't been sick. I just hope things let up for her, some of her illnesses have been from being run down.

I'm feeling very tired now, so I think I'll head to bed. ken's come home, but he's out in the doghouse now, so I wont see him until he comes in for a coffee. Hopefully I'll be asleep by then.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

This is my blog and I'll TMI if I want to!!

Ok, I made a big mistake on Monday night. I took laxatives. The bottle said take 1-2 tablets, so I stupidly took 2.

I was feeling really bloated and yuk on the weekend. I thought maybe I needed some help. Well, I certainly feel drained now!!

I didn't get to boxing on Monday night. I felt sick. Luckily Ken came home early from work and picked me up from the mechanic Monday morning, so we didn't have to go on an "adventure" of catching a bus, then a train, then either another bus or a cab to get home again. I didn't even get in the pool Monday morning and I love getting in the water.

I still played netball on Tuesday morning. I was hoping to only play part of a game, but one of the girls rolled her ankle so we didn't have any spare players left. I don't have any phone numbers, so I'll have to try and find out how she is.
I actually felt pretty good after the game. But I went back to "normal" in the afternoon.
Tuesday night I didn't get to Pump. I definitely wasn't getting in the water for aqua, how embarrassing would it be to have to get out of the pool to go to the toilet?

So far I am 1:4 for getting to classes. I hate feeling sick. This feels quite self inflicted.

My car is at the mechanics. It turns out I damaged something in the air flow system when it backfired. That explains it running like a bag of shit. An airconditioning hose split, that explains why the airconditioning stopped working. And they are replacing the passenger side door lock, cos a spring broke in it!! It's not going to be a cheap exercise. I am contemplating selling it. I have never had to spend so much money to keep a car running. It's ridiculous!! I don't care that the stupid thing is 24 years old and I only spent about $750 to buy it!!

Ok, I'll stop whingeing now, but I still think it's time to upgrade!! I have time, at least I should bloody well have time, This should be the last I have to spend on it for a while. I'm going to fish out my receipts to see how much this car has actually cost me!! Maybe not, it's too scary!!

Luckily one of my friends took 4yo to kinder for me this morning, and Ken's going to pick her up this afternoon. I hope I get my car back today, or I'm going to have fun getting 4yo to kinder tomorrow morning!! And don't ask about playgroup Friday, cos the other organiser is going to be late too!!


I just want to stop shitting through the eye of a needle!! My bum hurts!! :-(

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Ok, I had a look at the new Gym timetables. It's time to get back into an exercise routine. I'm giving myself Wednesdays and Fridays off, So I'll have 5 days of exercise. It wont matter if life gets in the way and I miss one or two, as long as I get back into it asap.

Monday, boxing!! If I have a fundraising meeting, I'll just go early for a workout before the meeting. The other option is cycling. Yuk!

Tuesday, Netball, Pump and Aqua. I have some friends who are thinking of joining me for Aqua. That will be good if they do.

Wednesday, day off

Thursday, netball and maybe aqua??

Friday, day off

Saturday. alternate weeks, THT. scary thought!! The weeks we have dstepd, I might just do a workout first thing.

Sunday morning , workout

It's a lot, and I may burn myself out, but I have been getting so lazy. My weight is creeping up slowly, I'm not feeling as fit as I was. I'm going to feel it on Tuesday, then I'll feel it on Wednesday!! But I need to fit into my netball skirt again. That really pisses me off that I have let myself go backwards like that.

Food will need to be looked at. I can't do all this exercise without getting proper nutrition. I think I might mix what the trainer suggested to what I was doing before. I can't live on green veggies. It's just not sustainable. Not that he said this was for the long term, but I need to get into a routine and not have to change things too drastically or, like I have been the last couple of attempts, I'll throw in the towel after a week or so.

I'll be working on getting to bed at a decent hour again this week. I have only achieved it once so far. What can I say, I love reading!! It's really hit me this weekend, though. I fell asleep yesterday and this afternoon. Not like me at all.

So, once again, I am going to get back on my Harley and follow the wagon. Wish me luck!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Well, today was a better day than yesterday morning. My car started and didn't blow up, so that's always a good sign!

We had playgroup. We made biscuits. The mix was way too sticky, so the kids had to get heaps of extra flour into it. But it all worked out and all the kids got to cut out biscuits and then decorate them when they were cooked.

I got home to find Ken home. His back is getting worse. but not bad enough to miss out on his date night!!

Dstepd was home "sick" too. I didn't even ask her what was happening. I just couldn't be bothered. I knew she was awake, so if she wasn't going, I wasn't fighting her.
I thought I'd have a fight over her social group tonight, but if she's not well enough to go to her day program, she's not well enough to go out tonight. (Pity her father didn't have the same rules!!)

I thought having both of them home would be hell, but it wasn't . Dstepd stayed in bed all day (as per the rules of her being home sick. I make is as unappealing as possible to stay home, so in theory, she's really sick if she does.) Ken slept half the afternoon and then went out. It's now like a normal Friday night.

I'm going to turn the timezapper off now. I've discovered my hard drive on the DVD is full, so I'd better go and watch some shows to make room!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I had the crappiest morning this morning.

4yo decided to not wake up until 10 past 8. Now I could have woken her, but every other flipping morning she wakes up around 7-7:30. the day I have to get her out the door by 8:25, she sleeps in!! It wasn't the end of the world, but I never seem to get her to kinder on time!!

So, she gets dropped off, an hour late. I need Gas for my car, plenty of time before netball. Leaving the servo, do I go left and get to netball really early, or do I go right and look for the jar I need for the Easter fundraiser for kinder? I go to turn right, but there is heaps of traffic. Ok, left. The car starts shuddering. Very weird. I lean forward to flick the car back onto petrol but before I get there, there is "BANG" under the bonnet. A very familiar sound to me. I've blown the air hose.

I roll to a stop and decide that we'll walk to netball and deal with the car later. It's off the road, it's safe. God knows how long the RACV would take.

Half way to the netball centre, I realise that I've left the netball bag at home, with the book with everyone's details, the spare tops and bibs!! AAAAHHHH!! How bad do I feel? The captain drove to my house especially to drop it off and I leave it behind!! And now I have no car to go home and get it!!

Ok, so I have to get everyone's court fees before the game. We borrow some bibs from the centre. It all worked out. And we won by 2 goals, so that was a bonus too!!

In all that, I was given the most wonderful support today. I had offers from people to take us home, one of the kinder mums plays in another team and came to offer to take us to pick up 4yo. I had already called another kinder mum up and asked for her help, but it was lovely to be offered.

I called RACV and 2yo and I walked back to the car and waited. She was really, really good. She did have a packet of smarties to keep her entertained for part of it, but still, she was fantastic.

While I was waiting a playgroup mum saw my car and called me to see if I was ok and if we needed any help. A lady who lived across the road from where I was parked offered her phone if we needed it. A guy pulled up and asked if we were ok.

The RACV guy arrived, used packing tape to hold my airhose together til I got home and made sure the car ran again. I headed straight home and stayed there all afternoon!

Despite the fact my car broke down AGAIN, this really made me feel that I live in a fantastic community. If someone needs help, there is always someone there.

I am truly blessed.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I had a headache this afternoon. What is it about Tuesdays?? Last week it was gastro, this week it's a headache. The Gods are conspiring to keep me away from Body Pump.

I am taking Julie's advice. It is now 9:38, so the computer is going off and I am going to bed.

I got distracted and didn't write as much as I planned today, but then I could spend another hour on this, so I'll try again tomorrow.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Well, it's Monday morning. Weigh in day. I don't know if I really want to know my weight this week. I have been eating whatever I can be bothered making. I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time I cooked vegetables. Or made a salad. Or even tried to make good choices.

It's affecting me. I feel like crap. I feel the way I did before I started losing weight. My back's hurting again. I'm tired and grumpy. I haven't been to the gym for weeks. I'm thinking it's time to drop one membership.

... I wrote that and then everything I wrote after that were excuses. Time, the kids, now I play netball twice a week. All just excuses. I have plenty of time, it's just coordinating it!

I need to sit down with the timetables and work out what I am going to do now. I haven't been for 3 weeks. It's time to go back to basics.

I feel like I constantly restart. I'm like a broken record.

I am eating crap. The voice that tells me what the good nutritious choices are is a teeny tiny voice drowned out by the tired "whatever, just eat something" voice that has dominated, whilst fighting with Amy who wants cake and whatever junk she sees. It's very busy in my head!!

And I'm staying up ridculously late. reading, watching TV. Once the girls are in bed and asleep, the time just flies and it's midnight before I know it!! Then one of the girls is awake at 7 and I'm off again.
I enjoy my few hours of silence. I can focus on what I'm doing without hearing "MUM!!" or having my arm wrenched out of it's socket because I have to come and look at it NOW!

It's not helping me lose weight, though. I tend to eat too much. I was going to call it mindless eating, occasionally it is, but more often than not it's Amy taking over, throwing a mini tantie saying "I want it now!!" I battle kids all day, then I have to battle myself??

I really need to get back to turning my computer off at 9:30.

It is now 3:40 in the afternoon. I hit the wall about now. Tired. This isn't an unusual thing, but I still have 4 hours of my parenting day to go, at least, until I go on call. I really need to shake myself up.

Why are things so different now than from 12 months ago? I was so excited, so eager to change. Now I'm back into that denial I was in before I started. My head is firmly in the sand. I can't believe I've let myself fall. And I'm just standing there watching as I struggle, unable to pull myself up again.

I know what I need to do, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Why can't I look after myself?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Exhausted. Just can't be bothered.

I got sick on Tuesday. Stupid leftovers. The salad didn't keep for 24 hours!!

I still had to take 4yo to kinder. She didn't get a cake for her birthday at kinder, I didn't think it appropriate to be handling food for other people. The last thing they need is the whole kinder home sick. But it was ok, cos another kid had their birthday too, and their mum was organised enough to bring muffins for the kids.

I didn't play netball on Tuesday. One of my dogs attacked the other one and I had to take him to the vet. He ended up having to have surgery to get his intestine put back where it was supposed to be. We now have to keep the dogs separate while he recouperates and we're looking to foster him out until my niece gets a place and can take him back. It's not fair that he be at risk. It's so frustrating, because apart they are gorgeous, loving, beautiful dogs, but together my girl could attack him for no reason. She is 10kg, he is 3kg, he doesn't stand a chance.
But he is recovering well and is running around with his little elizabethan collar on.

I got to netball on Thursday, wish I hadn't because we played the bitch from hell. The rest of the team is nice and great to play against, the curly haired woman (aka snow bunny) is just horrible.
She has this superior attitude and just whinges every chance she gets.
And they beat us, which you would think should make her happy. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.

Friday was playgroup. Just a small one, two of the mums called me to say the family was sick (my 2 other organisers). So I didn't set a lot up. The kids seemed to have a good time anyway. We've changed things slightly, so it feels like it goes a lot faster. I've broken the session up, they have freeplay, then we have songs and story while the mums pack up the toys. It's mainly to keep the kids safely out of the storeroom (they love to help! Grrrr... ) It's been 2 weeks and it seems to work really well. They are responding to it.
I got an email from the council to say one of the playgroups was collecting for the bushfire appeal. So I put the word out and got 3/4 of a carful of clothes and toys and sheets and blankets. I went to coles and bought other supplies that I thought a young mum would need, nappies, wipes, toiletries, toothbrushes (twice as much as I was going to spend, but this stuff is never cheap. I just wont tell Ken!!) and that filled the car.

I got all that dropped off, 2yo fell asleep in the car on the way there. We got home, I put 2yo to bed, then laid on the bed with 4yo and we both fell asleep. I only got 45 minutes before 2yo woke up, but it was still nice. 4yo slept for hours I had to wake her up to see her Aunty who came to see her for her birthday.

Today I went down to dstepd's scouts for a meeting. I am now the treasurer of our newly formed committee.

So that's Coordinator for scouts, fundraising committee for kinder and treasurer for scouts!! I think that will do!

I am hoping for an early night tonight. I get a day at home tomorrow!! Yay!! I don't even have to get dressed!! Woohoo!!

Hope everyone had a lovely Valentines day. I forgot until Ken sent me a text message.

I was talking to a lady who buys her husband flowers on Valentines day. I found it funny, cos he wont buy her flowers, so she buys them for him and then she gets the benefit of them too! Very clever!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Wow, what a weekend it's been. The hottest day on record on Saturday, it got to 47.9 degrees celcius at one point of Melbourne. My little part of the world was a little cooler it only got to 46 degrees. It's absolutely Crazy, cos on Sunday it only got to 20 degrees and we were actually getting cold in the backyard in the afternoon.

I had to go out in the heat. I saw my neighbour because she is 79 and I like to make sure she is ok and has everything she needs in the extremely hot weather. She mentioned there were fires, but she wasn't sure where. I later heard the radio and they said Warragul and Druin. Not near us, but only a couple of hours away. Then I heard 6 houses were lost in Narre Warren. That's a 10 minute drive away.
I get onto CK Sunday morning to find out one of my friends was hiding in a supermarket from the fires surrounded by people who didn't know where their family and friends were.
Whole towns have been wiped out by the fires.
I got a call from my neighbour. Her granddaughter's was one of the 6 houses in Narre Warren.
It's just so upsetting. I was in the heat on Saturday, praying for the firefighters. I saw 4 firetrucks going through my town, I heard another 2 in the distance. I didn't envy their job one bit. Someone described the wind as being like a fan forced oven. It was a very accurate description.
Watching the fires on TV, the flames zooming UP a hill, nobody would have had much of a chance to save anything.

I wanted to do something, wanted to help. I thought about buying a few things for my neighbour's granddaughter, but they have a fantastic support base and their family will help them out until their insurance comes through. (Plus I'm not too popular with the rest of the family, so I feel the sentiment would be wasted.) I did get my neighbour to get me all the photos she has of her great granddaughter and I copied them all so she can start her photo album again. All she took from her home was her wedding album. It's a small gesture, but it's something. I know I would be devastated to lose all my photos. They are irreplaceable.

I decided to donate the money I would have spent on those few things. Westpac bank had big signs saying "donate here". That made it easier.

I was also trying to get onto the red cross to donate blood. Their phonelines have crashed. They are taking messages at the moment. I think I'll just go down there. The worst they can do is give me an appointment time and I'll go back again. At least I'm doing something.

Over 118 people have died in these fires. Some of them have been deliberately lit. It's horrible, just horrible.

... I decided to go down to the Blood Bank in person. They referred everyone without an appointment back to the phone number I left a message on . They have no extra beds up, possibly some extra staff, but I haven't been in there on a Monday before. So many people want to help, but can't . I guess at least if we have to wait a week, it will stretch the supplies further. It's just so damn frustrating when there is so little we can do to help.

Ken wants to take a week off and go and help. I told him to find out who wants the help, like the salvos or the SES, then get in touch with them. If he just goes up there, he could just be in the way.

My little girl is 4 now. We had her party on Sunday. She had a fantastic time. She's oblivious to all the horrible things that have been happening. I am glad, my girls are so innocent. They don't need to know the realities yet. Plus they've kept my perspective. I have my family. I am so lucky.

In response to Julie's comment about our playgroup flyers. We've had one phone response and we had a mum and her son come along. So a slow start, but it's a response!!

Friday, February 6, 2009

What a day!!

Started with playgroup. I want this year to be the best playgroup we can make it.

I think it went well.

I got home in time to get changed. The babysitter arrived and I was off to my stepfather's funeral (with a stop at the chemist to get dstepd's meds sorted for her respite stay- stupid DHS regulations! )

I was rather stressed. My hand was shaking while I signed the condolence book. I saw Mum briefly before we went in. My sister and stepbrother were there too. I took this as my chance to make amends with her. Dstepd's friend's funeral in December made me realise that if something happened to my sister, I would regret never speaking to her again. There was only 4 months between the friend and my sister. It wasn't a rash decision. I had been thinking about it since then and was trying to get the courage up to write her a letter. I took my chance today.
I'm not saying we'll be best buds or anything, but being able to be a family again, be able to all get together in the same room without my other two sisters feeling like they are walking on eggshells, will be really good. It's been a lot of years since we have all been talking at the same time. Over 8 years.

I saw my Uncle (Mum's brother) and his wife and My Aunty (Dad's sister in law) as well as a few other people I hadn't seen for a while.

I also saw the golden haired step daughter in law! A brief hello before the service was all I had to suffer. I don't like her. I'm guessing as I have been an absent daughter for so long, she wouldn't like me too much either. Since her comment to me was something like "it's been a long time" Ummm... try "I haven't seen you since my mother's wedding 10 years ago!" There was never a lot of effort to try and get our families together, even when we were talking. But she was there for my mother and stepfather. She can have the job. I did it for 16 years after my Dad left, time for someone else to take over.
She might be a lovely person, but when all I got was her shoved down my throat on the few conversations I did have with my mother after she got married was how fantastic she was and how they were flipping houses and how lovely their son is (hello, how about your other 9 grandchildren, and 3 greatgrandchildren?) all the time telling me what a bitch her stepdaughter is (an old friend of mine, mind you), as well as the brief conversations I had with stepdaughter in law at Mum's hen's night. I don't want to really be associated with her. Besides, my Mum will love anyone who will do stuff for her, give her lots of attention and not expect anything in return. I hope she's not expecting my mum to call as often as my stepfather did, she'll be very disappointed.

Oh and my sister in law was there. OMFG, she will take any excuse to go to a funeral. She's my mother's AVON lady, FFS!! On a positive note, she might be too busy to go to 4yo's birthday party! Yay! :-p

I went home feeling very positive about the day, my stepfather had an amazing, full life and I don't think he would have passed away regretting a thing, well maybe accidently referring to my mother by his dead wife's name once early on in their relationship... oops! He had been sick for about 8 years, he and his family was blessed to have the time that he did. And I think they made the most of it.

Anyhoo, that's my ramblings for the day. Quite a positive one, even if it was a funeral.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Oh boy, I feel like crap.

I let Amy decide what to eat and didn't question it at all. It wasn't pretty.

I saw my counsellor today and worked through some issues. Well, one main issue. Do I go to this funeral or not?

I can see that if I don't go because my mother doesn't go to funerals, then how does that make me any better than her? It's just doing what she is doing.

My counsellor said if there is any doubt at all that I should go, because there is only one chance. I can't change my mind in a few weeks.

The only problem now is finding a babysitter for the girls. The funeral is in the early afternoon. I can't guarantee I can get back before School pickups. My whole support base is mums with school age kids!! The only other person is the girls' Nanna, but I couldn't expect her to watch them for more than an hour. She loves being with the girls, but she in her 70s and it would be too much for her...

...I called my niece. She has a friend who can watch the girls for me. A qualified childcare worker. So it looks like I'm going. I've not told Ken. I haven't really spoken to him about it, but as far as he knows, Amy has spoken. He's got date night, so he wont even be home.

My counsellor said that actually making the decision will lessen some of the stress, no matter which way it goes. I say that this stress wont be gone until Friday afternoon.

But right now, sleep calls me. I have a quiet morning tomorrow, no kinder in the morning! Yay!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I received a sad phone call tonight. My stepfather passed away. It's not sad for me, just sad when anyone dies. I hadn't seen him in probably 8 years.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Amy is just throwing a tanty!! I saw my mother on Christmas day for the first time in over 3 years. I wasn't planning on seeing her for another 3years. Amy isn't going to the funeral. My mother never went to my mother in laws, my father in laws, or two of her oldest friends funerals. She informed me of one of the friend's passing on Christmas Day, 3 weeks after the funeral! Then had the audacity to make a crack about nobody letting her know, she had to read it in the paper. I nearly bit my tongue off to not say "what's the fucking point? You wouldn't have gone anyway." She went to my uncle's funeral (I'm sure it was only because the chapel it was held in was new and she wanted to check it out) and to an afternoon tea wake for an "Aunty" (everyone was an Aunty or Uncle when I was a kid! the uncle was actually my Dad's brother, this one was a friend of the family). She only went to the afternoon tea to show off my stepfather to her friends. I got told about it after the fact, and we were still talking then!

My mother tried to make my stepfather my new Daddy, while at the same time dropping me like a hot potato. We only communicated when I rang her, then all I heard about was her stepdaughter in law. I stopped calling her. She never picked up the phone to see how I was. Too busy showing off the new husband.

The adult me feels that I should go to the funeral. Amy is far too hurt to face it.

What a shame, it will be on at the same time as our first week back to playgroup. I couldn't possibly miss playgroup.

Sorry Amy's dominating at the moment. I just had to get this all out.
It will never be said to the person who most needs to hear it.

They are deaf ears.