My Progress

Friday, January 30, 2009

Ok, I started this plan on Sunday and I'm following Frank's recommendations. When I've logged my food it's come to around 1400 calories. With exercise I was lucky to break 1000. On this information I figure I don't have to worry about counting calories, because even in the fluctuations of chicken fillet size, or amount of veggies I eat, I'm not going to break 2000. If I have something that's not on the plan, it's not going to be the end of the world, as long as it's small and not all day.

I am really focusing on getting veggies and salad into lunch and dinner. The snacks still need work, particularly morning tea, but I'm not breaking out, so I'll get there.

It's been over 40 degrees here (over 110 farenheit) since Wednesday and even the start of the week was hot. I haven't done a skerrick of exercise Since Tuesday night when I went out for an hour and a half to deliver playgroup flyers. I'm not too stressed cos I walked for an hour on Monday morning, then rode for an hour in the evening. Tuesday morning I walked for an hour as well. I just happened to get most of my exercise in early in the week. Hopefully I can get to the gym on Sunday and that will give me 5 hours for the week.

I still have to finish delivering the flyers. Hopefully this heatwave will break soon and I can go out in the evening to get the last ones done. It's not time sensitive, but I just hate not being able to finish the job at the moment.

I was naughty last night, and I paid for it. I had chocolate pudding and icecream for dessert last night. It was rich and the serve was way too big. It made me sick later that night. I hate being sick. But it serves me right. My body is becoming a well oiled machine and it doesn't need that rubbish clogging the system!

It's still too hot. Yes, I've already said that, but when people on my facebook are complaining about the snow, I become a sook!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm still at it. It's nice to not have to worry about how many calories are in things at the moment...

...I wrote that this morning and didn't get back to it.

Frank said "no dairy", "no wheat", amongst other things.

So what did I have today? A banana smoothie with fat reduced milk for afternoon tea (fortified with vanilla protein powder, it was very yummy. I can only imagine how good that would be with chocolate powder!)

And tuna, cheese and lettuce sandwiches for tea.
It's so hot here, I don't really care to eat too much and I couldn't be fagged cooking any vegetables.

It was 43 degrees today(110 degrees farenheit), tonight's low is going to be 30 degrees. It's not going to be a night for sleeping!

I had so much to say on this today, but it's now 9:30 at night and I've had this blog open all day, I'm tired, very hot and the kids are very quiet, so I must go see what they are up to!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ok, it's been an interesting weekend for me. I pigged out so bad on Saturday night. I mean, really badly. Yet I still didn't feel really full. I had a slight uncomfortable feeling, but not the whole "oh my God, what have I done?" I decided to write down my feelings. I was eating because I saw my Mother on Christmas day. My logical mind was over it, but that little girl who only wants Mummy's approval was obviously still hurting. I'd gone back to old habits, in a big way. slices and slices of toast. Whatever I could put my hands on. I didn't care, it was food.

I had a chat to myself and realised that she was no excuse for doing this and the only person who is going to stop me from self destructing is me. I have no guardian angel to pick me up when I fall, well not in the human world , anyway. I had withdrawn from my support network on CK, I wasn't logging my food, so I was back in denial.

It was the first time writing things down changed me, other than calming me down when I was spitting acid!

I'm talking about my perception changing. Being able to change things. Change the way I look at things. I sat down and started planning my food for Sunday and Monday. I didn't count the calories, well when it's white meat and Green Veg, I don't think it's worth worrying about!

I got up Sunday morning and had my porridge. Ate an apple on the way to the gym, a banana afterwards (no extra protein as I didn't have my powder yet.)

Lunch was tuna salad, forgot the brown rice until I was driving home in the afternoon. I thought something was missing!

I felt hungry all day, but I tend to do that on the first day. I didn't eat completely properly, but even if I did, I probably would have still felt hungry as I'm sure it's my stomach shrinking back to where it's supposed to be. It gets easier.

I've also decided that I am no longer hopping on and off the bandwagon.

I will do this journey on a Harley Fatboy!

Today was much better. I bought the protein powder last night. It tastes really nice, although I've only had it as a banana smoothie.

I guess I thought it would be this miracle stuff that would make me feel full. It didn't. I'm not quite sure if it's really the stuff for me. I'll keep going for now, cos I need to follow a plan. I am so impressed with the last two days. Although, I must say, it got to tea time tonight and I could not be fagged stirfrying veggies like I had planned. So I cooked a packet of frozen Veg in the microwave. I had veggies that weren't green... It was still like only 100 calories. I'm not quite sure what the whole "green veg" thing is. I'll be back onto it tomorrow. It's been a long day today.

I had to go out and get some photocopying done. I came home, cut those 300 odd pages in half, then dstepd and I went out for an hour walking to deliver some of them. I realised this is too difficult a job on foot, as the suburb we are delivering to has very large blocks, we're talking acreage! So I went out tonight for another hour on the bike to deliver more.

That was after taking the girls to Australia Day celebrations, which were absolutely fantastic! Jumping castles, facepainting, gingerbread Australia painting, Bands and dancers, painting, mini golf, a petting zoo and a puppet show ALL FREE!! They were raising funds for a local hospital, but we didn't have to spend a cent, unless we wanted sausages or softdrink, but even when we went to buy the sausages, they gave us 2 sausages per slice of bread for $2! Crazy!

The girls enjoying the puppet show! There was lots of singing and dancing and the girls learned a little about this guy called "Jesus" and a book called "The Bible". Or it went over their heads and were just fun stories and songs!

So now I sit here with sore legs and the promise of having to deliver more flyers tomorrow. I think a good night's sleep is in order!

Right now I'm feeling really good about losing weight, really positive.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's Friday, and once again another week has zoomed by and I have done nothing to change my eating. I don't know exactly what I need to foot myself up the bum and get moving. Does there need to be a huge catalyst, some horrible event that makes me see the light?

Yes, this has been going on for months. Yes, I am repeating myself constantly.

I was given an eating plan from my trainer. Well, he runs the gym and updated my fitness program, so gave me an eating plan to kickstart everything.

Breakfast- porridge 1 cup

3 hours later, protein shake and 1-2 pieces of fruit.

Lunch 1 cup of brown or basmatti rice with 100-180g chicken or tuna, or palm sized red meat. Any green fiberous (?) veggie.

3 hours later protein shake.

Dinner- as lunch, but no rice.

Shake after tea, with warm water (Ewwww!)

One free meal a week,
No sugar
No Wheat
No Dairy
No Alcohol
No Salt

Apparently no life for a couple of weeks!

This isn't a long term plan, it's once again to get things kickstarted. It's a plan he gave a bodybuilder!! It doesn't look too bad, but not much variety, so I couldn't do it for too long.
Now, I am going to make a list of Green vegies, cos I'm imagining a plate silverbeet and spinach and that's not appealing for every meal!

So, I will google and get my CK friends to help me!

Green Vegetables!

Bok Choy
Choy Sum
Snow peas
Brussel Sprout
Celery (vomit!! I can only eat it cooked!)

That's just google. Wikipedia is a great tool. There were a lot of names I had never seen before, so the chances of me actually finding them are slim. It at least gives me something to go on. I'm not sure how many of them are "fibrous". I'm assuming all vegetables have an amount of fibre in them. Really, eating any of them would have to be beneficial!

Well, I've missed my morning snack and am feeling rather famished. I really have to work on morning tea. I try to plan everything for the mornings and it's 11:00 before I know it.
Off to forage through the kitchen!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I had a huge blog typed up yesterday, but one of the girls apparently turned my computer off when I was at Aqua last night.

It's probably just as well. I was all worked up about the meeting I went to on Monday night. It was the administrative committee for the kindergarten. I realised at that meeting that I had made a mistake joining it. I was pretty worked up about it, more so because I didn't know if I had overstepped boundaries and asked too many questions. I wanted to make an informed decision about what was being proposed. If I have to ask that many questions every time we have to vote on something, it will just do my head in, plus make for very long meetings! I would not be a popular person. I've got 3 more years at this place.

I had a chat to another new member, who informed me I had asked all the right questions, and an associate of some of the existing members, who told me of some comments made about me, by the new president. I'm still trying to work out how I am going to make it an "interesting" year in the fundraising committee. Am I doing something that I am completely oblivious to? Am I really that annoying? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, I might not like the answer!!
I decided I am resigning from the administrative committee. I made that decision yesterday and I feel like a huge weight has lifted from me. Today I still feel good about that decision, so I know it's right. I'll be writing the letter in the next few days.

I'm still going to be on the fundraising committee and I have playgroup to coordinate, so it's not like I'll be on the couch eating bon bons (I love that image, but can we even get "bon bons" in Australia? Isn't that what we call Christmas Crackers? But I digress...)
I am so excited about playgroup this year! I have ideas and plans and thoughts and I really want to build the group up. I love everyone in the group, but we shrank last year and will again this year, (kids grow up and go off to school :-( ) unless we really get moving and promote ourselves.

I went to Aqua last night, I didn't get to Pump. I deliberately distracted myself with designing the playgroup flyers and when it got to 6:55 and Ididn't even have my runners on, let alone my bathers ready... Oops, I missed it tonight! I'll just go to Aqua. So lazy, but at least I got to one of my classes! I'm really happy with the flyers, though. :-)

Today I took the girls to get their hair cut. I took my neighbour with me too so she could go to the bank and pick up a few things. The girls love her so much, and she loves them too. She's their Nanna. And it makes her daughter and granddaughter sooooooo jealous! I really shouldn't be happy at their misery, but they use her and don't even check to see if she needs anything when they go shopping, let alone taking her with them. It's sad, they live across the road from her, yet can't even get the lawns mowed for her.

Ok, enough bitching.

I went to the gym on Monday and got a new workout routine. I just need to get there to do it. 3yo starts back at kinder next week, so I'll be able to get into a routine very soon.

And I need to eat properly. I'm still letting Amy win. My trainer at the gym has given me an eating plan to get me kick started. Now I just have to kick start myself and get moving.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Today we went to the RACV's Great Australian Car Rally. Quite an ironic name, since it's run by a British car club and there are very few Australian cars there, but I digress.
I'll be honest, it was too big. I saw about 1% of the cars, I think, and that was enough for me.

I was going to say what a fizzer today was, but it actually turned out ok. Daddy playgroup was cancelled, so they came home early. If I had have been organised, instead of sitting at home eating ham and cheese, I wouldn't have been home when they got back. So much for my walk along the beach. We managed to leave for the rally early, it was a long day for the girls and we were only there 3 hours. I must admit, I was over it after about an hour.
We were exhausted when we got home. Ken and I had a fight in the car before we left the racecourse, but we were able to talk it out when we got home. I don't think he is being totally honest with me, but we'll see what happens down the track. He gave in way too easily today. I think he is lying by omission. A secret external harddrive to hide his naughty pictures? I wouldn't put it past him.

Anyway, we all calmed down, 3yo decided that she wanted to make newspaper hats like on "Blues Clues". If she hadn't run out of the paper, I think she would have made one for everyone she's ever met, and some she hasn't! There are photos of us wearing them, but they are still on the camera.

Speaking of photos, here are a few car snaps!

The photos aren't brilliant, but this is a replica of the first car ever built in 1885!!

This one is a Jaguar, well before they became Jaguars!! Apparently the Company was called "SS"(Don't ask me what that stood for, I'm lucky I remember this much!!). That was a very unpopular name in the 1930s, thanks to the Germans, so they became Jaguar!

This car I just looked at and went "oh yeah!!" The photo doesn't do it justice!! It was a beast!! Gorgeous vehicle!

And this was the main reason we went. Ken's best mate's Moke!! His is the blue one, his Dad's is the red one!! Once again, the photos don't do them justice. I forgot my camera, these were taken on my phone.

And with all those cars to look at and admire, where are my 2 happiest?? Playing in the stones on the way out!!

A usual day.

Ok, so the morning starts well. I have my porridge and start my day. I go out, forgetting to take a snack, so by the time lunchtime comes I could eat a horse and chase the jockey.

Lunch doesn't fill me up. I am thinking about food all afternoon, what I can eat, but still hide from 3yo, because I'd hate to be a bad role model! WTF!
Yet when it gets to 4:30 and I'm thinking about what I can make for dinner, suddenly I am tired and can't be bothered.

So we have tea. I may or may not pick while cooking, depending on what I am making and how pius I'm feeling. As usual the kids decide they don't want or like what I've cooked, so depending what it is, I may help them finish it.

The kids go to bed and Ken goes out to the doghouse. I am in the house on my own. No witnesses. It could be sandwiches, cold meat, biscuits, rice crackers with peanut butter, whatever I can get my hands on. There is nobody to hide from . Except myself.

I go to bed feeling full. Yet still empty. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll plan and remember to do the "right" thing. It will all be ok in the morning.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I went shopping today. I decided to get some more photos printed. I didn't scrapbook last night like I thought about, but I did use my "new" sizzix machine to cut out some stickers for Daddy playgroup. I spent 1/2 hour on that. The novelty wears off quickly!! but I did read the instructions, so I actually know how to use it now!
Anyway, I didn't really have any more photos to scrapbook, so I needed to get some more. I took both girls to Fountain Gate! OMFG!! I should know by now to take them out as little as possible. I spend more time saying "3yo!! Where are you?" than I do actually shopping. Another part of my time is spent making sure 2yo doesn't fall out of the trolley!!
3yo wouldn't tell me what she wanted for lunch. I say, "fine, do you want to just go home?" "Yes". So out we go, we get to the car park and she says "I want lunch"!! Well too bad, we're on the way home. "I'll have lunch at home" No, that's why we're out, because there is no food in the house and we need to go to the supermarket. Lunch is before shopping so we don't buy half the shop! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Is it a wonder I have any hair left with these kids!
We ended up at McDonalds. They had a play and ate a bit. Then we went to not quite right. It's a dangerous place, they have yummy things cheap! We don't go there very often, because they have a lot of yummy things cheap!! Today I went cos they have my oats there and, even though I didn't need to, I wanted to stock up on them.
In the end, I went to NQR, the market and Aldi. I had to go to Aldi because my usual chicken shop lady was on holidays this week and nobody was prepared to drop the price for me. So I said I'd leave it til she came back. Wasn't impressed with them today, but then everyone must have been having a break this week, cos even the owner and his wife was away. Not a happy place today. So I thought I'd try out Aldi's meat. Bought some rump steak. Their portions are fantastic! They are about the palm of my hand, not the size of half a cow like most places!! I know, I could just cut them in half, but then I have 4 pieces and I only need 3. Aldi gave me 3! Very impressed. The only thing wrong was that the pieces were different thicknesses and I didn't cook Ken's enough, but that's not Aldi's fault! I just needed to cook his a little longer.

I loaded my dinner up with lots of veggies. Two hours later I was hungry again. Maybe I need to look at the combination of veggies to work out what will fill me up. I don't know.

I was listening to one of Jillian's podcasts and she mentioned the topic of "food obsession" I really, really need to look into that. I seem to think about food a lot. The questions Jillian asked from a website I answered yes to I think it was 3 out of 5 questions, but with a leaning towards a fourth one. I also need to look into OA. The local meeting isn't happening, but apparently there is one 20 minutes away. I don't have the details. I'm sure it will be on the net.

But right now, it's 11:45pm and I really need to get to sleep, so I can go for my walk on the beach tomorrow.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Why am I constantly tired and miserable. I must be the most boring diarist on the whole web. It's always "poor me, why am I so tired, I'm putting on weight, I'm eating too much" Well, all those things are related, so the sooner I get off my sorry arse and start behaving myself foodwise, the quicker all those problems will settle down.

Now, as for Amy, well basically she's my inner child, or brat! One of the Flylady emails led me to . It seems very basic at the moment, but it's about recognising the inner child and not letting him or her win all the time.
One of the tips was to name your inner brat. So mine is Amy. Anyone who watches All Saints- Frank's niece!! Turns out it was a bit harsh calling a part of myself after her, because I can't stand that character. Really hate her, but she was the most brattish character I could think of. My counsellor asked me if I identified myself in her.
It kind of stopped me in my tracks. Do I really think the "bad" side of me is really that bad? Maybe I do. Maybe the things I do wrong are so terrible that I can't stand it. I always say I can't lie, people can see it straight away. But do I lie to myself?? In what way?? Hmmm... that I'll get back on the wagon, there's no rush. At the moment I have thought's of "what's the point?" I really feel that hopeless at the moment. Like I can't do it. Like I just don't want to do it. It is so much easier to sit in front of the computer and ignore everything else that is going on. The housework that isn't getting done, the exercise that isn't getting done. Oops, it's too late to go out now, the gym will be closing/the sun is going down. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm lying to myself and I'm cheating myself.

But stupidly I'm just going along with it.

Much to ponder at the moment. I'm hoping for a long walk along the beach on Sunday.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Quick blog. It's almost 8:30. I had a busy day and am very glad the kids are in bed. I think I shall follow them.

We went to the library for a school holiday program. 3yo seemed to like it, but 2yo didn't like it at all. She wanted to go home.
We went to a friend's place afterwards and the kids had a ball playing together.

We came home and I had to treat the girls hair again. I had checked their hair this morning and think I got most of them, but needed to put the teatree and comb through it tonight. I think they were all dead from the last treatment and this was just tidying up, but it's still a pain in the arse to have to do this all the time. If every child's hair was treated and got rid of all the bugs, there would be no headlice at all!! How can parents sit there and watch their poor kids scratching their heads? I hate it!

Anyhoo, vent done for today.

Food was bad yesterday and today. I feel like a fool with the way I'm acting at the moment. Amy is really taking charge at the moment.

I'm going to bed. I might write in my paper diary.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Ok, it's 4:25pm. I haven't got the house clean, but by writing down my plans I have managed to write the condolence card and book some time at my gym for a reassessment. I also booked the dogs in for their vaccinations, organised dstepd's respite and recreation with two different groups and am waiting for a call from a 3rd place. I've put one load of washing out and I've still got one load to put out. I'm not too stressed, we've got another heatwave tomorrow to get through, so any washing will dry, whether I put it out today or tomorrow.

I've logged my food. I don't know what my limit is supposed to be at the moment. The last time I logged it was at 1600. I was supposed to do that for 2 weeks and then go up to 1800 for 4 weeks. I did the 2 weeks, then crashed and burned when it went up to 1800. I just couldn't be bothered watching and counting and I put on all that I'd lost in that two weeks. I don't know if it was the change in numbers, my using Christmas as an excuse, trying to do too much in December (it was hectic!) or what, but I just was not focused at all.

I guess if I make my food calories 2000 gross, it's not a ridiculously low amount, compared to what I was doing for that 2 weeks :P and it gives me a little extra to cope with the exercise. I wont eat back exercise calories. It's nice to be able to, but it's only practical if I have an accurate assessment of what my exercise calories are. CK's assessment are too high and I believe the crappy heart rate moniter I have is too low.

So I shall err on the side of caution and follow that path for a little while. I don't know if it will work, but I've got to keep trying.
Ummm... well I'll start on that path tomorrow. I've got 350 calories to go and I've got to get through a pump class tonight. I'll see how I go. We're having spaghetti. I'll be close.

I also have to get through the "witness free" time. I'm thinking that I need to get my dining table cleared so I can get scrapbooking in the evenings. It will distract me and fill in some time.
I don't know exactly how long that will take me, it will be an ongoing process.

Plans, plans, plans. Right now I need to get dinner ready and get ready for Pump. It was 36 degrees today. I think I am mad!! But then, the payoff is that i get to go in the pool afterwards for Aqua!! That will keep me going!! :-)

Edit:- It is now the end of the day. I got through my Pump and Aqua classes pretty well. Being able to get into the pool is what got me through Pump. It's still very warm in Melbourne.
I managed to drink lots of water and even though my calories are over by about 600 today, I'm feeling really good with what I've achieved. It would be nice if the house was clean, but the mess isn't going anywhere. I did get a fair bit of the kitchen cleaned up. No shiny sink, but a couple of loads of dishes done.
Must go hang my washing out, then it's shower and bed to avoid "no witnesses"
I got up this morning and remembered to weigh in before breakfast, which I conveniently forgot to do yesterday. I gained again.

I've had enough. I know it's food that has let me down. I have had no discipline for a good few months now. But I can't do anything about that, I can only look at what I need to do today.

So, my plans for today are to:-

drink lots of water
Log everything I eat. That's everything.
Get to Pump and Aqua tonight.

Non diet related list of things to do:-

Tidy house up, it looks like a bomb site!
Write the condolence card that has been sitting on my desk for about 2 weeks.
Ring the gym to make an appointment for a program review and book the girls into the creche.

I still need to order my netball skirt, but until Thursday I am almost broke. I have to find the money to take the girls to a play centre tomorrow, that will be using all the shrapnel I can find!!

So, rather than lament what I haven't done, I am going to plan what I will do! I've even set my FLYlady timer so I'm only on the computer for 45 minutes!

So I'd better get checking my emails before I run out of time!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Here's an idea that just popped into my head tonight. My night time eating, blowouts, binges, whatever name feels appropriate. They are not logical, they are not good for me. I don't seem to care by this time of night. I choose to make bad choices for myself.

One of the reasons for them? I have no witnesses. Nobody to be accountable to, nobody to be my conscience, to make me feel guilty for eating too much or make me feel guilty for being a bad role model. It's like letting my hair down at the end of the day. I don't have to be seen to be doing the right thing.

I'm not saying this justifies my behaviour, I subscribe to Dr Phil's philosophy that in order for a behaviour to continue, we must be getting some payoff from it. I get away with the eating because there is nobody there to stop me, including myself. Maybe I eat because I'm on my own. Ken goes out to his doghouse. I sit on the computer playing whatever game until my eyes start falling out of my head.

My counsellor feels that I am wasting my brain at home. My homework is to work out what makes me really happy.

Off the top of my head is co-ordinating playgroup. Being able to plan each week, organise dinners and excursions outside the sessions. I've really enjoyed the last year. And now that I know what I am doing, it's going to be a blast this year!

As for what else makes me happy... I'll have to think about that one.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Each day I sit down at my computer and open my blog. I want to start writing, but my mind is blank. My whole day goes out of my head. Any pearls of wisdom or witty anecdotes that I thought of earlier in the day simply vanish.

Today is no exception. But in my defence, I took all three girls shopping today, to the market AND the supermarket. And 2yo didn't have a sleep today!! My baby is growing up. She is coping without having a nap quite well. I still put her down every few days, but it's not essential.
That doesn't mean for a second she will sleep in!! Oh noooooooo. She's still up at around 7. I guess that is a sleep in, sometimes it can be 6am!!

I went to a baby shop the other day and spoke to the car seat fitter to work out whether 2yo is ready for a booster seat. She is :'-( Another sign she is growing up. My baby!! I haven't bought it yet. I forgot to check the bank balance before I went there. I also forgot a pay went in the weekend before. Oh well. I'll get there this week and give my baby another milestone. Oh and another new thing for her to drive me mad with. Taking her head out, undoing the seatbelt. Oh the joys!!

Look at that! I had nothing to say, but I found 2 paragraphs!!

Talking about the kids gives me a chance to avoid what's really going on. The fact I am ignoring what I need to do and eating absolute shite with no thought to the consequences.
I am a logical person. I know what happens when bad things go in. I see the scales going up. I have this delusion that I can get back on track, there is no hurry.

I can no longer say that I have lost 20 kilos, I'm in the teens. Only just, but there. it's creeping back on, but I don't seem to be suitably alarmed into action. My counsellor said I need to start loving myself. I guess it's easier said than done.

Maybe once school holidays are over and I can get into a real routine and not be at home so much... oh how I love being at home. No rushing around. We can go out when we want, or not!! But my gym time seems to get mucked around. I am still not doing something every day. It just doesn't seem to work, even with Ken home. He was sick yesterday, so I wasn't prepared to leave him with the kids. Today I was stuffed after shopping. I should have gone to the gym before I went to the shops, but Ken and I had an argument and he nicked off out the back. His solution to not getting his way. By tonight I was over the kids.

I was supposed to go scrapbooking, but Ken was out the back until 8pm. It started at 7. I could have gone out and got him, maybe it was my way out. I love scrapbooking, but the thought of dragging it all out tonight just exhausted me. I couldn't even be bothered getting it all out at home, let alone someone else's place.
I needed to get out of the house too. The kids did my head in today. Ken is taking them to Daddy playgroup in the morning, then out to his sisters, so I'll pretty much have a kid free day tomorrow! Yay! Gym in the morning, then off to pick up almost the full collection of Karen Greenwood's Phryne fisher series!! 16 books and I've only read one of them!! Woo hoo! That will keep me busy! And the best bit, instead of $26 a book, I'm only paying about $11!! I love Ebay!!

Once again, as usual, I am exhausted, so I will stop waffling here. I am burning a DVD at the moment, then I am shutting down the timezapper and getting some sleep! No sleep ins in this house!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Today was busy. I took the girls to the library to for a school holiday program. They had a ball. Stories, singing and dancing, then some craft at the end. They love it!

We left there and went to meet some friends at McDonalds. Cranbourne West McDonalds has to have the least switched on crew of any I've seen. The way Mcdonalds works now, calling out the orders as they are finished is so trashy! It took almost as long to get our icecreams as it would have to get the burgers! They look disorganised.

Anyway, despite that, the kids had fun there too. I got to sit and chat, in between the kids coming out of the play area to complain that this kid did this and that kid did that. Usual kid stuff.

We came home to find Ken unwell. Despite this, he managed to lay the concrete with his mate for the new puppy palace! I'm happy, I'll have my laundry back soon! No more dog beds to trip over and no more of the stuff that comes out of or off of them all through it either!

His mate left and Ken went to bed. I couldn't be bothered cooking tea, so we went to Cranbourne to go shopping for Ken's birthday present! 3yo was adamant that she wanted to get her Dad a Hannah Montana CD. I don't know if it's really something he wants, but we bought him a DVD, so maybe the whole family can enjoy it!
3yo has such a strong personality. I love that she is so sure of herself, so confident!

I also bought the girls some new clothes. 2yo is tall, but lean, so every thing fits, but looks too short. 3yo is tall, but thicker, so she needs bigger clothes for the width, but everything is too long for her. I can't win. But I found a few pieces that look good on them. It all depends on the cut.

So, we got home around 8pm. The girls didn't get to bed until about 9pm. God, I hope they sleep in in the morning!!

Speaking of sleep, a few minutes and I'm there too.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I didn't blog yesterday. Oh der, I guess you can see that!!

I just had nothing to say.

Today, I feel tired, sore and not too happy with myself.

I'm back to 130kg. I wasn't going to see the 130s ever again. I did pump last night and I really felt it. I hadn't done a class in 3 weeks, so my strength was down a bit, but I also felt my stomach sticking out (more than normal). And my back was really feeling it.

I need to put it in perspective. I have gained 6 kilos in 6 months. In the previous 6 months to that I'd lost 26 kilos. I'm still ahead, but I'm not happy with where the scales are trending.

"So!??! Do something about it!"

I talk, a lot!! I am going to do this, I am going to do that. Gunna, gunna gunna!! I have a real problem with following through. I go alright for a little while, then I let bad habits creep back in. A bit of peanut butter here, an extra sandwich there. The last few nights I've been sitting up in bed with cheese and vegemite sandwiches. I'm not completely back to where I was, I probably would have had cordial or soft drink and a 250g block of chocolate to go with it if that was the case. But the fact that I was eating in bed, at night, shows I'm slipping.

So, what action is going to be taken?

...Hmmm, I am working to exercise every day. My easy days are just my workout, the harder days are classes and netball. At the moment it's easy, Ken's off work, so I leave him with the kids and off I go. He's back to work next week, so I'll be putting them in the Creche in the mornings til Kinder starts back, then I only need to put 2yo in there.

This wont always happen, but if I only miss the odd day, I'll be happy.

Food. Damn stupid fucking food! I used to love it. I loved cooking, creating, eating!! It was my thing. I guess if people loved my food, they loved me. That's how starved for attention I was.

Things changed. I moved out of home. I got sacked as a cook (three warnings- I was worked into the ground, Cheap labour!! I was earning $10 an hour, the people around me $17. Thanks Mr Kennett!!) I was working Saturday nights, then coming back and doing Sunday mornings too. It put me off working with food. I'd put on heaps of weight working there. I was 18, had my licence, worked with food, very little exercise. I ate at the restaurant, had no inclination to eat healthily or look after myself. I was too busy filling shifts and was unable to say "no" to more work. It was all about the money. It was surviving, not looking towards the future.

Having said that, I was still really a kid. I didn't start looking to the future until I was in my 20s. Ken and I had started saving for our house. I still wasn't looking after myself healthwise. The inclination to do that didn't come until I'd had children. 3yo was a baby and I was having a smoke. I realised that if I kept doing that, I wouldn't see her grow up. It also increased the likelyhood of her starting the habit, I loved her too much to do that to her. So I quit. I admit, there have been lapses, but I've always stopped again. It might be a week, or a day (I let my niece talk me into having them when I'm with her.)

So if I can quit smoking without the "all or nothing" (or is that "nothing or all") attitude, why can't I quit the junk the same way?

Why am I choosing to go back down the bad path again??
Is it easier to say "it's all too hard and I don't want to do it anymore? No, because some of the changes I have made have stuck.

Is it self esteem? Most definitely! I would fight tooth and nail for my friends, would do anything for them, but I can't even ask my friend to watch my girls for a few hours so Ken and I can have dinner together and see a movie. We know exactly where we want to go and what movie to see, but I can't bring myself to ask, yet I'll babysit at the drop of a hat for anyone.
A mixture of the whole "need to be needed" thing, and not feeling worthy of the night out. Throw in a bit of controlling Mum who doesn't like leaving her kids with anyone for too long, mainly because I don't want to stretch the friendship. What if I need a babysitter again for something important and I've wasted a turn on a frivolous night out. (ok, not logical, because this friend would say yes on both accounts, no hesitation.)

I have to keep telling myself I am worth this. Eventually I may believe it. The old "fake it til you make it". Nobody else is going to do this for me. Except maybe a surgeon, lol. I have this fear that if I had liposuction, they would take out half the fat cells and I'd be left lopsided!!

I was going to go to the gym this afternoon. Ken says "go tonight". He's waiting for a call to pick up his car from the mechanics. Ok, I can wait. I'll go around 7, when I would normally go to an evening class. (Turns out the car's not going to be ready til tomorrow!)
At 6:00, I see something in Gabby's hair! A great big bug!! EEEEEWWWWWW!! The next two hours is spent treating and combing the girls hair, then Ken's hair and finally my hair! 8:30pm and the girls are finally showered, teeth brushed, story read and into bed.
So there goes my workout tonight. If he thinks I'm going to miss it tomorrow morning, he's got another thing coming!! I am trying to make the most of him being home!

Monday, January 5, 2009

I decided today that I would not turn my computer on today until the kids went to bed AND my kitchen was clean. It was the best move I could have made. I got all the clothes washed, the kitchen cleaned, the bookwork done for playgroup and all the paperwork sorted for it too. I am pooped, but feel so good for what I've accomplished today.
But I got so into what I was doing, when I checked the time, it was 6:30pm!! Oooops, I was supposed to be at Pump half an hour ago! I'll get there eventually.

I was thinking about yesterdays topic during the morning, but as the day went on it's power over me lessened as I saw more and more work get done around my home. I now feel really good. I'll still take another day or so away from it, but I'm feeling better about going back.

CK is what we call Calorie King Australia. It's a weightloss site that I use to help me lose weight.

After all that work, I am exhausted, so I'm off to bed.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I have been trying to avoid blogging about a certain topic as I didn't want to give it airtime, but it's now doing my head in and I need to get it down so I can move on.

Some shit has gone down in my beloved CK thread the last few days. Normally it is a place where I can read about my friends' days and we can celebrate the achievements, buttkick when needed and try to help up people when they are feeling down.
We had a post from someone with incredibly strong views and opinions. Now, I don't blame her for defending herself, however, from past experience, interactions with this person are akin to slamming your head against a brick wall hard and often. I could see the potential for that happening in there, especially with some of the more vocal people in the group, myself included. She was asked to leave. Several times. Her blog that day was loosely based on what had happened, with a bit of tweaking for dramatic effect. I wanted badly to comment on it but, once again, the thought of that brick wall stopped me. Also the promise of more to come as she's not one to back down from what she sees is a fight.
The mood lightened the next day in the thread, I admit to being a part of some of the comments made about her. I even changed my avatar in the spirit. But unfortunately our "fun" little comments went on for a bit too long. Eventually one of her friends posted an "enough is enough" post that unfortunately started getting personal.
I must admit, the friend did have a point, it was an open thread and anyone could read it, I even cringed at one of the comments (I am a Harry Potter fan, it was below the belt!). It made me realise that I needed to stop being a part of it.

I was watching the fight going on between one of my friends and one of her friends. It was horrible. This isn't what I signed up for. It was not going to end well. I stepped in, asked them to stop, (for their own sakes as well as my own) and got a parting shot thrown at me for my trouble.

I feel very sad at the moment. Sad that I actively took part in all this, sad that members of the thread I have been a part of for over a year are so angry and hurt by what one person and their friend has to say. Sad that I let it get to me.

But I'm also angry that people who are working towards the same goal- to feel comfortable in their skin- are at each other like lions. I don't want to be around that. I have enough negativity in my own head. CK is supposed to be my positive, encouraging place. Hopefully now that there have been a few explosions, maybe now it will all settle down.

These people are real to me. I have met quite a few of the people I talk to regularly and regard them as my friends.

At the moment, it feels like I am back at school and the teachers are nowhere to be seen.

Time to take a couple of days off, I think. Get away from the madness.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

What to write about today? Hmmm...

...Nope, nothing springs to mind!!

Still nothing!

I'll try again tomorrow!!

Friday, January 2, 2009

What a day!! I went to the gym this morning and took 3yo to the pool this afternoon.
I'm rather pooped tonight!

I read the most amusing blog today. You know when you watch a movie and it says it's "based on a true story", but really they've taken tiny snippets of the truth and dramatised it for entertainment value? That was this blog. I saw the "true story" and it's very interesting what gets dramatised and what is omitted altogether!!

Wow, it's silent in my house. All the kids are in bed. What will I do with my Friday night??
So many options!! :-p Ken's out on date night, so maybe not that many options!! :-)

Off to the dentist in the morning! 9am, what a start to the weekend!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Woohoo, the first day of the year, and I've only got 1 1/2 hours left of it!

We went to a book sale today. The girls got bored, really, really quickly, so we didn't stay that long. I picked up a few titles, nothing spectacular, but I couldn't really wander and go through the boxed of individual titles. There was an icecream truck, so of course the girls wanted one. I was watching him. It was going to cost $4 for what 3yo wanted and he was putting in less icecream than Mcdonalds would put in their 50c cone! My Scottish blood wouldn't pay it. We found a Hungry Jacks and the girls had a 50c cone! It didn't have choc top or sprinkles, but the girls loved it, then got to play in the playground.

It was about this point that I realised I'd left my phone at home. I tell Ken and he replies "yeah, I left mine at home too! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Dstepd is coming home today and she's probably called a million times to find out where we are!!
We decided the best thing to do would be to head straight to Dstepd's Mum's place to pick her up and apologise for not answering their calls!! (Turns out there was only 3!) They weren't too stressed. Dstepd was actually a bit disappointed because she thought she would score another night at Mum's.

I had a lovely NYE! Went out to dinner with 2 lovely friends. We chatted and laughed all evening! I love catching up with GrannyJ. And Katt, of course, but we chat heaps!! :-)
I was home before midnight and didn't see a single booze bus, but that's ok.

It's the first day of 2009. I guess it's resolution time! 2009 is going to be focused on exercise. I've had a chat to my fitness assessor at the gym and he's going to increase my workouts to include a cardio interval training, as well as some Ab work. My plan is to get to one of my Gyms once a day. I know this wont happen for the whole 365 days, but I'm going to do my best to get there.

It's after 11 now. I really need to get to bed, but I have to put the loungeroom back together after vacuuming and mopping.

Then I might get some sleep.