Here's an idea that just popped into my head tonight. My night time eating, blowouts, binges, whatever name feels appropriate. They are not logical, they are not good for me. I don't seem to care by this time of night. I choose to make bad choices for myself.

One of the reasons for them? I have no witnesses. Nobody to be accountable to, nobody to be my conscience, to make me feel guilty for eating too much or make me feel guilty for being a bad role model. It's like letting my hair down at the end of the day. I don't have to be seen to be doing the right thing.

I'm not saying this justifies my behaviour, I subscribe to Dr Phil's philosophy that in order for a behaviour to continue, we must be getting some payoff from it. I get away with the eating because there is nobody there to stop me, including myself. Maybe I eat because I'm on my own. Ken goes out to his doghouse. I sit on the computer playing whatever game until my eyes start falling out of my head.

My counsellor feels that I am wasting my brain at home. My homework is to work out what makes me really happy.

Off the top of my head is co-ordinating playgroup. Being able to plan each week, organise dinners and excursions outside the sessions. I've really enjoyed the last year. And now that I know what I am doing, it's going to be a blast this year!

As for what else makes me happy... I'll have to think about that one.