This is really long... and appears to be the first and second signs of insanity!!

Ok, time to analyse myself.

what is stopping me from doing what I need to do to lose weight?

Ok, I can't be bothered.

But can't be bothered doing what?

What I am supposed to do. Giving a damn about what I'm eating. Getting up and exercising. It's far easier to eat cookies than count calories.

Ok. what are you going to do when those calories push the scales up?

Ummm... Beat myself up for not doing the right thing and go eat more cookies.

Riiiiigggghhhhttt, cos that's a totally logical thing to do!

Yeah, your point?

How about breaking the cycle??

It sounds too much like hard work.

What exactly is too much hard work?

Ok, I have to make sure I have healthy food in the house. And that there are no binge foods. Chocolate, biscuits, cake, icecream. Cheese.
I have to make sure my clothes are clean so I can go to the gym to workout or get to a class.
I also have to get my head in a place that even a weak excuse doesn't keep me home.
I have to be organised so I can make dinner in time, instead of waiting until it's too late and then making a sandwich, or whatever other rubbish is on hand and easy to make.
I have to stop adding cordial to my water.
The hardest work is trying to convince myself that I want this badly enough. Right now I feel like I should wake up every day wanting this, but I don't. I have a list of reasons. I have a netball skirt sitting there that I can't wear yet, but I still don't get motivated to change. I still have 30 kilos to lose to get to my initial goal. Even breaking that down to a 5kg mini goal feels overwhelming.

So do you want to change things? Or are you happy the way things are?

I do need to change things. I need to stop my self destructive ways.

How do you feel you are being self destructive?

I'm smoking again.

Why do you think that is?

I bought a packet when I went to my stepfather's funeral. Normally I would just buy one packet and once they were finished that would be it, but I'm on my 4th packet now.

Why is this time different?

I just don't care. I feel like crap all the time. A smoke takes me out of the house for 5 minutes and gives me time alone.

Do you think there could be other ways to give yourself time out?

Of course.

How else do you feel you are being self destructive?

Food and exercise. Oh, and not drinking enough water, just generally not looking after myself. And consciously not looking after myself, almost deliberately. Like I'm not worth caring about.

Are you not worth caring about?

There are days where I don't feel like I am. They seem to be more often than not. I spend so much time running around for the girls, and for Ken, that my needs get pushed aside. sometimes it's a fair compromise, but some days I feel like I'm the one doing all the compromising. in the end, nobody is looking out for me.

So, what do you think you can do to turn things around?

I need to stop going around in circles for starters. I seem to beat myself up so often. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising enough, I'm not doing enough housework. I'm not working hard enough at my volunteer work. I'm not spending enough time with my girls. When I want things for me, I'm being selfish.

So, how can you change these things?

I have made attempts to change things. I create a new routine, and it works for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, but then I get lazy, or the old habits creep back in. maybe I need to create better triggers to remind me to do that housework, better planning so that I don't have to worry about whether I can be bothered cooking.
That is my downfall, continuing the planning. I often feel like "I did the planning last week, I shouldn't have to do it again."

But you do. History has shown you that. Pick one thing, what's your plan for next week?
A little voice in my head says it should be focusing on weightloss, but let's be honest, it aint gonna happen. A couple of hours of talking to myself has not created a miracle!!

So, housework. It's falling behind.

The dishwasher has to go on every day.
The washing machine has to go on every day.
I will also follow the Flylady principle that anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. Every day, 15 minutes of cleaning and/or decluttering. I have a timer, I can do it. I will do it.

The dishwasher and washing machine are on almost everyday anyway, but sometimes I forget, or get sidetracked, so I am going to focus on getting it all up to date.

How are you going to implement your plan?

Washing machine has to go on in the morning. cleaning will be done while 4yo is at kinder, or in the afternoons on the days she's home. Dishwasher will be emptied in the morning and refilled and switched on if full at lunchtime. (We have a dishdrawer and only one drawer works, so essentially we only have 1/2 a dishwasher!!)
I will set my alarm every day to remind me. My daily flylady emails help me too.
I just worry that Amy will try to buck the system.

In what way will Amy buck the system?

Oh, by deciding she can't be bothered doing it right now, she can do it later. Only later never comes and everything just gets messier and further behind. I'm raiding 4yo's kinder bag for her spare clothes because she's run out of underwear and tripping over toys because the loungeroom hasn't been tidied.

So what will you say to her when she tries it on?

Hmmm... what do you want to do instead?? Can you do it after I've got this job done?

Sounds like a good plan. Put it in action!!