Well, it's Monday morning. Weigh in day. I don't know if I really want to know my weight this week. I have been eating whatever I can be bothered making. I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time I cooked vegetables. Or made a salad. Or even tried to make good choices.
It's affecting me. I feel like crap. I feel the way I did before I started losing weight. My back's hurting again. I'm tired and grumpy. I haven't been to the gym for weeks. I'm thinking it's time to drop one membership.
... I wrote that and then everything I wrote after that were excuses. Time, the kids, now I play netball twice a week. All just excuses. I have plenty of time, it's just coordinating it!
I need to sit down with the timetables and work out what I am going to do now. I haven't been for 3 weeks. It's time to go back to basics.
I feel like I constantly restart. I'm like a broken record.
I am eating crap. The voice that tells me what the good nutritious choices are is a teeny tiny voice drowned out by the tired "whatever, just eat something" voice that has dominated, whilst fighting with Amy who wants cake and whatever junk she sees. It's very busy in my head!!
And I'm staying up ridculously late. reading, watching TV. Once the girls are in bed and asleep, the time just flies and it's midnight before I know it!! Then one of the girls is awake at 7 and I'm off again.
I enjoy my few hours of silence. I can focus on what I'm doing without hearing "MUM!!" or having my arm wrenched out of it's socket because I have to come and look at it NOW!
It's not helping me lose weight, though. I tend to eat too much. I was going to call it mindless eating, occasionally it is, but more often than not it's Amy taking over, throwing a mini tantie saying "I want it now!!" I battle kids all day, then I have to battle myself??
I really need to get back to turning my computer off at 9:30.
It is now 3:40 in the afternoon. I hit the wall about now. Tired. This isn't an unusual thing, but I still have 4 hours of my parenting day to go, at least, until I go on call. I really need to shake myself up.
Why are things so different now than from 12 months ago? I was so excited, so eager to change. Now I'm back into that denial I was in before I started. My head is firmly in the sand. I can't believe I've let myself fall. And I'm just standing there watching as I struggle, unable to pull myself up again.
I know what I need to do, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Why can't I look after myself?