Ok, so I get onto my blog to have a think about posting and I notice that I haven't updated my weight in over 80 days. This means that I haven't lost any more weight since the 9th April. That is a smidge under 3 months. I decided to do an official weigh in to see if things were bad at all. 107.5kg. Not ideal, but I was expecting to have snuck up to 110kg, so I am happy to have stayed where I am.

I am exhausted tonight. I took my kids to the snow today. We had a ball, but it was a long day. I am now really, really tired.
So, what do I do, instead of going to bed when tired? I open a packet of double coat timtams and start shooting them with coffee. Idiot. I am now feeling sick as well as tired.
I am writing this here because I feel like I am stagnant and I need to start expressing myself and how I have been treating myself so badly.
I am still smoking. I stop again and again, then start, again and again and again.
I have managed to get out for a walk this week. As well as the energy expended to walk to Mount Donna Buang today definitely counts. But I am so tired all the time. I feel so out of control and paralysed by everything. eating, exercising, even cleaning the house. I spend so much time staring at the computer. It is my way of avoiding everything. If I'm playing Frontierville, nothing else exists, or matters, cos I can't see it.

I know that only I can change all these things. The paralysis is psychosomatic. I just have to work out how to get movement again. And permanent movement, not some big effort that fizzles out in a few days.

Why can't I just be happy? Other people do it. It's not that hard, surely? I am so lucky, so why am I so blah?

Til next time,
Ness.