I got home from hospital on the 27th of January. I haven't even looked at this blog since. I've been too busy playing games on Facebook and trying to avoid my life. My baby started school and I haven't really grabbed the opportunity to use the time I have to do anything productive. Tonight I once again removed all bar 3 games from my Facebook account. This isn't the first time I've done this. And probably not the last. But it's time, once again to get the hell off this damn timezapper!
I also think of my blog when things aren't going well. So the poor reader of this blog get to hear my incessant whining about how horrible my life is and how mean my so called "friends" are to me. Today is no exception. I'm just tired of being treated like an idiot. I know nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission, so I guess I gave them permission. I have been drifting away from a friend who today dropped hints to get rid of me so she could go to a friends place for coffee. I didn't want an invitation, it was the fact there were 3 people there and not one of them said "we need to go". I didn't know they were all going together, until they all left in the same car. I felt like an idiot. I swear I have aspergic tendencies.
...it's now the next day. I've been thinking about things and wondering why things changed. Have I changed? I feel like the same person I was. Physically I have changed. And it was commented by the main person who hurt me yesterday that she has to get back on the diet to keep up with me. I thought it was a joke, but maybe there is something more to it.
...Aaaand, now I'm overthinking every single thing that has ever been said to me!
My body has changed and I was warned my relationships with others may change because of that. I don't know if this is the cause of it. I just keep thinking "what did I do wrong?". That sometimes becomes a mantra. I really have to stop it. The problem I have is that I also overthink every single thing I've ever done or said to see how I got it wrong.
I need a shrink!!
I'm driving myself crazy!
I was hurt and I let them know. Now I have to decide how I'm going to handle it. They'll avoid me, so maybe just leave it that for a while.
... It's now Thursday afternoon. I decided to color my hair and I feel a wave of enthusiasm now. It's 4:30 and dinner is already cooking, I've started cleaning up my kitchen and I've caught up on the girls washing (7yo was out of undies this morning. I was not on top of things). It's amazing what a hair color can do.
Distraction has always been an effective tool for me.
It's now 10pm. I have a headache. Whether it's the hair dye or the fact that I haven't stopped thinking about what happened yesterday, I don't know. I really need to get some sleep.
So that's the latest mood swing for the last day or so. I really need to find a counsellor. I feel like a fruit loop!
Til next time,
Ness.
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