I have opened this page so many times. I have started writing and then deleted it all. "Why bother" "Who am I talking to?" "Nobody wants to hear the whining of someone who isn't prepared to get off their arse and fix their situation". "Why do I keep going in circles?" "All talk, no action".

When I'm feeling strong, this is my blog and I don't care who doesn't like what I write. But I guess at the moment I don't like what I'm writing and I'm my toughest critic.

I'm pushing my stomach to the limit. I'm eating more than I've ever eaten before. I managed to eat a whole large pizza. When I had my sleeve, 2 slices had be bursting. Granted, it was over a couple of hours, but still, I hate that the bypass doesn't give me the restriction that my sleeve gave me.
I am seeing a dietician at the end of the month. My surgeon wants me to go and see her. I'm interested to see what she has to say. She apparently has some expertise with weightloss surgery. Hopefully it's more than just with lapband surgery, like everything seemed to be when I first had my sleeve surgery.

Tonight I made custard. I bought a box of powder to make the trifle for boxing day. I've now gotten a little obsessed with making it, especially as it's so easy to make in the microwave. I'm the only one who'll eat it.
I feel a little better tonight. I made chocolate, with a tablespoon of cocoa. I poured it over tinned pears. So good. And I could only eat half of it. I'd had enough. Silly thing to be happy about, having any of it isn't really going to help my health. I've just been craving sugar all week. I know it's boredom eating, otherwise anything would have done.And it always happens in the evening. I've become more acutely aware of it as we are broke and recovering from Christmas, so there were only the essentials bought for the last fortnight. I've been searching for options to have. But there has not been anything that was easy at hand.

So, what am I going to do to help myself? I don't know. I've pretty much shut myself away for the last week or so. Broke, feeling down, I've pretty much just eaten, slept, read books and got on Facebook a little. Not as much. I deleted most of the time zapping games. I was spending hours on them with no sign of ever catching up!
I've got to get out of my head and back into the world. I've got to start looking after myself. Why is that so hard to do?
I've quit smoking again. Being broke helped that, but I know I needed to do it. The girls were hassling me to quit again. It's really another reason I've been hiding away. It's easier to stay away from them if I'm away from the other people who do it.

Well, before I decide to delete all this, I'm going to go and click publish.

I'm struggling, there's no magic cure for that.

Til next time,
Ness.