What a day!!

Started with playgroup. I want this year to be the best playgroup we can make it.

I think it went well.

I got home in time to get changed. The babysitter arrived and I was off to my stepfather's funeral (with a stop at the chemist to get dstepd's meds sorted for her respite stay- stupid DHS regulations! )

I was rather stressed. My hand was shaking while I signed the condolence book. I saw Mum briefly before we went in. My sister and stepbrother were there too. I took this as my chance to make amends with her. Dstepd's friend's funeral in December made me realise that if something happened to my sister, I would regret never speaking to her again. There was only 4 months between the friend and my sister. It wasn't a rash decision. I had been thinking about it since then and was trying to get the courage up to write her a letter. I took my chance today.
I'm not saying we'll be best buds or anything, but being able to be a family again, be able to all get together in the same room without my other two sisters feeling like they are walking on eggshells, will be really good. It's been a lot of years since we have all been talking at the same time. Over 8 years.

I saw my Uncle (Mum's brother) and his wife and My Aunty (Dad's sister in law) as well as a few other people I hadn't seen for a while.

I also saw the golden haired step daughter in law! A brief hello before the service was all I had to suffer. I don't like her. I'm guessing as I have been an absent daughter for so long, she wouldn't like me too much either. Since her comment to me was something like "it's been a long time" Ummm... try "I haven't seen you since my mother's wedding 10 years ago!" There was never a lot of effort to try and get our families together, even when we were talking. But she was there for my mother and stepfather. She can have the job. I did it for 16 years after my Dad left, time for someone else to take over.
She might be a lovely person, but when all I got was her shoved down my throat on the few conversations I did have with my mother after she got married was how fantastic she was and how they were flipping houses and how lovely their son is (hello, how about your other 9 grandchildren, and 3 greatgrandchildren?) all the time telling me what a bitch her stepdaughter is (an old friend of mine, mind you), as well as the brief conversations I had with stepdaughter in law at Mum's hen's night. I don't want to really be associated with her. Besides, my Mum will love anyone who will do stuff for her, give her lots of attention and not expect anything in return. I hope she's not expecting my mum to call as often as my stepfather did, she'll be very disappointed.

Oh and my sister in law was there. OMFG, she will take any excuse to go to a funeral. She's my mother's AVON lady, FFS!! On a positive note, she might be too busy to go to 4yo's birthday party! Yay! :-p

I went home feeling very positive about the day, my stepfather had an amazing, full life and I don't think he would have passed away regretting a thing, well maybe accidently referring to my mother by his dead wife's name once early on in their relationship... oops! He had been sick for about 8 years, he and his family was blessed to have the time that he did. And I think they made the most of it.

Anyhoo, that's my ramblings for the day. Quite a positive one, even if it was a funeral.

Oh boy, I feel like crap.

I let Amy decide what to eat and didn't question it at all. It wasn't pretty.

I saw my counsellor today and worked through some issues. Well, one main issue. Do I go to this funeral or not?

I can see that if I don't go because my mother doesn't go to funerals, then how does that make me any better than her? It's just doing what she is doing.

My counsellor said if there is any doubt at all that I should go, because there is only one chance. I can't change my mind in a few weeks.

The only problem now is finding a babysitter for the girls. The funeral is in the early afternoon. I can't guarantee I can get back before School pickups. My whole support base is mums with school age kids!! The only other person is the girls' Nanna, but I couldn't expect her to watch them for more than an hour. She loves being with the girls, but she in her 70s and it would be too much for her...

...I called my niece. She has a friend who can watch the girls for me. A qualified childcare worker. So it looks like I'm going. I've not told Ken. I haven't really spoken to him about it, but as far as he knows, Amy has spoken. He's got date night, so he wont even be home.

My counsellor said that actually making the decision will lessen some of the stress, no matter which way it goes. I say that this stress wont be gone until Friday afternoon.

But right now, sleep calls me. I have a quiet morning tomorrow, no kinder in the morning! Yay!

I received a sad phone call tonight. My stepfather passed away. It's not sad for me, just sad when anyone dies. I hadn't seen him in probably 8 years.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Amy is just throwing a tanty!! I saw my mother on Christmas day for the first time in over 3 years. I wasn't planning on seeing her for another 3years. Amy isn't going to the funeral. My mother never went to my mother in laws, my father in laws, or two of her oldest friends funerals. She informed me of one of the friend's passing on Christmas Day, 3 weeks after the funeral! Then had the audacity to make a crack about nobody letting her know, she had to read it in the paper. I nearly bit my tongue off to not say "what's the fucking point? You wouldn't have gone anyway." She went to my uncle's funeral (I'm sure it was only because the chapel it was held in was new and she wanted to check it out) and to an afternoon tea wake for an "Aunty" (everyone was an Aunty or Uncle when I was a kid! the uncle was actually my Dad's brother, this one was a friend of the family). She only went to the afternoon tea to show off my stepfather to her friends. I got told about it after the fact, and we were still talking then!

My mother tried to make my stepfather my new Daddy, while at the same time dropping me like a hot potato. We only communicated when I rang her, then all I heard about was her stepdaughter in law. I stopped calling her. She never picked up the phone to see how I was. Too busy showing off the new husband.

The adult me feels that I should go to the funeral. Amy is far too hurt to face it.

What a shame, it will be on at the same time as our first week back to playgroup. I couldn't possibly miss playgroup.

Sorry Amy's dominating at the moment. I just had to get this all out.
It will never be said to the person who most needs to hear it.

They are deaf ears.