Well, it's Monday morning. Weigh in day. I don't know if I really want to know my weight this week. I have been eating whatever I can be bothered making. I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time I cooked vegetables. Or made a salad. Or even tried to make good choices.

It's affecting me. I feel like crap. I feel the way I did before I started losing weight. My back's hurting again. I'm tired and grumpy. I haven't been to the gym for weeks. I'm thinking it's time to drop one membership.

... I wrote that and then everything I wrote after that were excuses. Time, the kids, now I play netball twice a week. All just excuses. I have plenty of time, it's just coordinating it!

I need to sit down with the timetables and work out what I am going to do now. I haven't been for 3 weeks. It's time to go back to basics.

I feel like I constantly restart. I'm like a broken record.

I am eating crap. The voice that tells me what the good nutritious choices are is a teeny tiny voice drowned out by the tired "whatever, just eat something" voice that has dominated, whilst fighting with Amy who wants cake and whatever junk she sees. It's very busy in my head!!

And I'm staying up ridculously late. reading, watching TV. Once the girls are in bed and asleep, the time just flies and it's midnight before I know it!! Then one of the girls is awake at 7 and I'm off again.
I enjoy my few hours of silence. I can focus on what I'm doing without hearing "MUM!!" or having my arm wrenched out of it's socket because I have to come and look at it NOW!

It's not helping me lose weight, though. I tend to eat too much. I was going to call it mindless eating, occasionally it is, but more often than not it's Amy taking over, throwing a mini tantie saying "I want it now!!" I battle kids all day, then I have to battle myself??

I really need to get back to turning my computer off at 9:30.

It is now 3:40 in the afternoon. I hit the wall about now. Tired. This isn't an unusual thing, but I still have 4 hours of my parenting day to go, at least, until I go on call. I really need to shake myself up.

Why are things so different now than from 12 months ago? I was so excited, so eager to change. Now I'm back into that denial I was in before I started. My head is firmly in the sand. I can't believe I've let myself fall. And I'm just standing there watching as I struggle, unable to pull myself up again.

I know what I need to do, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Why can't I look after myself?

Exhausted. Just can't be bothered.

I got sick on Tuesday. Stupid leftovers. The salad didn't keep for 24 hours!!

I still had to take 4yo to kinder. She didn't get a cake for her birthday at kinder, I didn't think it appropriate to be handling food for other people. The last thing they need is the whole kinder home sick. But it was ok, cos another kid had their birthday too, and their mum was organised enough to bring muffins for the kids.

I didn't play netball on Tuesday. One of my dogs attacked the other one and I had to take him to the vet. He ended up having to have surgery to get his intestine put back where it was supposed to be. We now have to keep the dogs separate while he recouperates and we're looking to foster him out until my niece gets a place and can take him back. It's not fair that he be at risk. It's so frustrating, because apart they are gorgeous, loving, beautiful dogs, but together my girl could attack him for no reason. She is 10kg, he is 3kg, he doesn't stand a chance.
But he is recovering well and is running around with his little elizabethan collar on.

I got to netball on Thursday, wish I hadn't because we played the bitch from hell. The rest of the team is nice and great to play against, the curly haired woman (aka snow bunny) is just horrible.
She has this superior attitude and just whinges every chance she gets.
And they beat us, which you would think should make her happy. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.

Friday was playgroup. Just a small one, two of the mums called me to say the family was sick (my 2 other organisers). So I didn't set a lot up. The kids seemed to have a good time anyway. We've changed things slightly, so it feels like it goes a lot faster. I've broken the session up, they have freeplay, then we have songs and story while the mums pack up the toys. It's mainly to keep the kids safely out of the storeroom (they love to help! Grrrr... ) It's been 2 weeks and it seems to work really well. They are responding to it.
I got an email from the council to say one of the playgroups was collecting for the bushfire appeal. So I put the word out and got 3/4 of a carful of clothes and toys and sheets and blankets. I went to coles and bought other supplies that I thought a young mum would need, nappies, wipes, toiletries, toothbrushes (twice as much as I was going to spend, but this stuff is never cheap. I just wont tell Ken!!) and that filled the car.

I got all that dropped off, 2yo fell asleep in the car on the way there. We got home, I put 2yo to bed, then laid on the bed with 4yo and we both fell asleep. I only got 45 minutes before 2yo woke up, but it was still nice. 4yo slept for hours I had to wake her up to see her Aunty who came to see her for her birthday.

Today I went down to dstepd's scouts for a meeting. I am now the treasurer of our newly formed committee.

So that's Coordinator for scouts, fundraising committee for kinder and treasurer for scouts!! I think that will do!

I am hoping for an early night tonight. I get a day at home tomorrow!! Yay!! I don't even have to get dressed!! Woohoo!!

Hope everyone had a lovely Valentines day. I forgot until Ken sent me a text message.

I was talking to a lady who buys her husband flowers on Valentines day. I found it funny, cos he wont buy her flowers, so she buys them for him and then she gets the benefit of them too! Very clever!

Wow, what a weekend it's been. The hottest day on record on Saturday, it got to 47.9 degrees celcius at one point of Melbourne. My little part of the world was a little cooler it only got to 46 degrees. It's absolutely Crazy, cos on Sunday it only got to 20 degrees and we were actually getting cold in the backyard in the afternoon.

I had to go out in the heat. I saw my neighbour because she is 79 and I like to make sure she is ok and has everything she needs in the extremely hot weather. She mentioned there were fires, but she wasn't sure where. I later heard the radio and they said Warragul and Druin. Not near us, but only a couple of hours away. Then I heard 6 houses were lost in Narre Warren. That's a 10 minute drive away.
I get onto CK Sunday morning to find out one of my friends was hiding in a supermarket from the fires surrounded by people who didn't know where their family and friends were.
Whole towns have been wiped out by the fires.
I got a call from my neighbour. Her granddaughter's was one of the 6 houses in Narre Warren.
It's just so upsetting. I was in the heat on Saturday, praying for the firefighters. I saw 4 firetrucks going through my town, I heard another 2 in the distance. I didn't envy their job one bit. Someone described the wind as being like a fan forced oven. It was a very accurate description.
Watching the fires on TV, the flames zooming UP a hill, nobody would have had much of a chance to save anything.

I wanted to do something, wanted to help. I thought about buying a few things for my neighbour's granddaughter, but they have a fantastic support base and their family will help them out until their insurance comes through. (Plus I'm not too popular with the rest of the family, so I feel the sentiment would be wasted.) I did get my neighbour to get me all the photos she has of her great granddaughter and I copied them all so she can start her photo album again. All she took from her home was her wedding album. It's a small gesture, but it's something. I know I would be devastated to lose all my photos. They are irreplaceable.

I decided to donate the money I would have spent on those few things. Westpac bank had big signs saying "donate here". That made it easier.

I was also trying to get onto the red cross to donate blood. Their phonelines have crashed. They are taking messages at the moment. I think I'll just go down there. The worst they can do is give me an appointment time and I'll go back again. At least I'm doing something.

Over 118 people have died in these fires. Some of them have been deliberately lit. It's horrible, just horrible.

... I decided to go down to the Blood Bank in person. They referred everyone without an appointment back to the phone number I left a message on . They have no extra beds up, possibly some extra staff, but I haven't been in there on a Monday before. So many people want to help, but can't . I guess at least if we have to wait a week, it will stretch the supplies further. It's just so damn frustrating when there is so little we can do to help.

Ken wants to take a week off and go and help. I told him to find out who wants the help, like the salvos or the SES, then get in touch with them. If he just goes up there, he could just be in the way.

My little girl is 4 now. We had her party on Sunday. She had a fantastic time. She's oblivious to all the horrible things that have been happening. I am glad, my girls are so innocent. They don't need to know the realities yet. Plus they've kept my perspective. I have my family. I am so lucky.

In response to Julie's comment about our playgroup flyers. We've had one phone response and we had a mum and her son come along. So a slow start, but it's a response!!