I felt like absolute rubbish last night. I was exhausted. I'd been falling asleep all day. I have been staying up until 1 in the morning playing Facebook games and watching the new channel 11. OMG, I love the shows they have on there. staying up so late watching them is a bad, bad thing!
Just before Christmas I was collateral damage from a small family tiff. A couple of rellies removed me from their friends list on Facebook. One put me back on before new years, the other didn't. At that stage I didn't care, I don't particularly like this person anyway.
I noticed last night she's been adding rellies back onto her Facebook. I have obviously lost the plot because I was upset that she didn't add me!! That was the point that I realised I'm not doing to well at the moment. I am also convinced that one of my friends doesn't like me any more. I must have done something wrong. I always do. I haven't asked her, but we haven't seen each other much in the last couple of weeks, so it's of course my fault!
So lack of sleep, irratic medication, a feeling of being out of control, I'm feeling pretty miserable at the moment.
I have removed almost all the Facebook games again. I have become a Facebook Zombie. My poor kids have missed out on a lot of time with me. It's not fair on them. My house is constantly a bomb site, but I have been able to pretend it doesn't exist because I just keep my eyes on the computer monitor. Time to come out of the coma and start living again.
I was in bed about 2 hours earlier last night. I woke up about 15 minutes before the alarm went off this morning. I feel better if I wake up on my own rather than get woken up. My girls are the same. I hate waking them up, it's much better if they wake themselves up.
So, small changes, hopefully I'll be out of the fog soon. I've managed to stay smoke free, although that's taken a lot of strength and distraction. Hmmm... one addiction for another. Why can't I become addicted to exercise and salad??
Til next time,
Ness.
My Progress
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
If there was ever a night that I would break and have a smoke, it would be tonight.
I was up at 7:30, weighed myself, scales up over 109, having a "fat" day. Not going to wear my "skinny clothes" Comfort today.
The plumber arrived early to do the kitchen. No big deal, but I was asleep again by 9:30. When I got up again, at around 11, the girls were driving me batty!! They are so ready to go back to school/kinder, they are bored and are just antagonising each other. I had to get out of the house, so I decided to go shopping. It was just going to be the market, but I went to the shopping centre instead and met up with one of my friends. But before she got there, I had an "attack". I don't know if it's irritable bowel or dumping syndrome, but I get cramps and sweats and end up with the runs (hope you're not eating breakfast while reading this!!) Once it's over I'm fine, often tired, but no longer in pain.
So, I met up with my friend and we went to Kmart. We then run into a "friend" that I had not seen in over 6 months. I miss her, but she walked away from us. I couldn't chase her, this all happened when I had just got out of the hospital for the last time. I was not up to anything. So, she lied to me and told me she's coming to see me on Friday. I hope it made her feel better to say these things, cos she's obviously not having to hear about how much her daughters are missing my kids the way mine are missing hers. It breaks my heart that I can't explain to my girls why they can't see them, cos I really don't know what happened. She got back with her husband and wiped all her friends from the past 3 years. I wasn't the only one. How do I get a 5 year old to move on when I have no answers for her?
Anyway, we said goodbye to her and my real friend was soooo angry!! She'd been wiped too, so the lies were not appreciated.
We finished our shopping and I said goodbye to my friend. I had to get to the market before it closed. That was fairly uneventful, although one of the bosses there complimented me on my weightloss, so that lifted my "fat day" spirits. Would be nice if they offered me a job there, I have put my resume in, but oh well.
I then went to Aldi. I had put my resume in about a week and a half ago. The manager happened to come out of her office as I came into the store. She's hired and all of us unlucky ones will get a letter in the mail. I was shattered. While I didn't know, there was hope. Now I'm disappointed. As I walked away from the manager, I'm in the junk food aisle. It took all my strength to keep myself from saying "fuck it" and just buying all the junk/comfort food I could fit in my trolley. I rang my friend who gave me some wonderful, encouraging words. I felt the sadness and disappointment and reminded myself it's ok to feel this, and that eating was not going to take it away. I also had to remind myself that I am not buying any more rubbish in the groceries. I have to look after my family.
I got the groceries home, 5 hours after I'd left. :-) That's a shopping afternoon! I'd just sat down after putting it all away and Ken and the girls came home, early! There goes my peaceful evening! I shouldn't complain too loudly, I'd been away from them all afternoon. But they are so bored, they need to get back to school, some routine. You'd think that having all the junk gone from the house would calm them down, but no...
So that's my day. While writing this blog I've had another "attack". I know this one is because I made up some brownie mix, full of sugar and fat. I've been having a little bit each night. Possibly why I've been feeling like shite during the last couple of days and definitely why I've been on the loo tonight. I'm about to throw the last of it out. The last of the "junk" in the house.
It's going to take a bit of getting used to, cos even when I was at the market, before I had to talk myself down, I still had to remind myself that buying "treats" for the kids is not good for them. So many biscuits, lollies, cakes and don't get me started on the deli!! I have to look after them, they are my life.
Til next time,
Ness
I was up at 7:30, weighed myself, scales up over 109, having a "fat" day. Not going to wear my "skinny clothes" Comfort today.
The plumber arrived early to do the kitchen. No big deal, but I was asleep again by 9:30. When I got up again, at around 11, the girls were driving me batty!! They are so ready to go back to school/kinder, they are bored and are just antagonising each other. I had to get out of the house, so I decided to go shopping. It was just going to be the market, but I went to the shopping centre instead and met up with one of my friends. But before she got there, I had an "attack". I don't know if it's irritable bowel or dumping syndrome, but I get cramps and sweats and end up with the runs (hope you're not eating breakfast while reading this!!) Once it's over I'm fine, often tired, but no longer in pain.
So, I met up with my friend and we went to Kmart. We then run into a "friend" that I had not seen in over 6 months. I miss her, but she walked away from us. I couldn't chase her, this all happened when I had just got out of the hospital for the last time. I was not up to anything. So, she lied to me and told me she's coming to see me on Friday. I hope it made her feel better to say these things, cos she's obviously not having to hear about how much her daughters are missing my kids the way mine are missing hers. It breaks my heart that I can't explain to my girls why they can't see them, cos I really don't know what happened. She got back with her husband and wiped all her friends from the past 3 years. I wasn't the only one. How do I get a 5 year old to move on when I have no answers for her?
Anyway, we said goodbye to her and my real friend was soooo angry!! She'd been wiped too, so the lies were not appreciated.
We finished our shopping and I said goodbye to my friend. I had to get to the market before it closed. That was fairly uneventful, although one of the bosses there complimented me on my weightloss, so that lifted my "fat day" spirits. Would be nice if they offered me a job there, I have put my resume in, but oh well.
I then went to Aldi. I had put my resume in about a week and a half ago. The manager happened to come out of her office as I came into the store. She's hired and all of us unlucky ones will get a letter in the mail. I was shattered. While I didn't know, there was hope. Now I'm disappointed. As I walked away from the manager, I'm in the junk food aisle. It took all my strength to keep myself from saying "fuck it" and just buying all the junk/comfort food I could fit in my trolley. I rang my friend who gave me some wonderful, encouraging words. I felt the sadness and disappointment and reminded myself it's ok to feel this, and that eating was not going to take it away. I also had to remind myself that I am not buying any more rubbish in the groceries. I have to look after my family.
I got the groceries home, 5 hours after I'd left. :-) That's a shopping afternoon! I'd just sat down after putting it all away and Ken and the girls came home, early! There goes my peaceful evening! I shouldn't complain too loudly, I'd been away from them all afternoon. But they are so bored, they need to get back to school, some routine. You'd think that having all the junk gone from the house would calm them down, but no...
So that's my day. While writing this blog I've had another "attack". I know this one is because I made up some brownie mix, full of sugar and fat. I've been having a little bit each night. Possibly why I've been feeling like shite during the last couple of days and definitely why I've been on the loo tonight. I'm about to throw the last of it out. The last of the "junk" in the house.
It's going to take a bit of getting used to, cos even when I was at the market, before I had to talk myself down, I still had to remind myself that buying "treats" for the kids is not good for them. So many biscuits, lollies, cakes and don't get me started on the deli!! I have to look after them, they are my life.
Til next time,
Ness
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Here we go... again!!!
Ok, so it all begins. I finished my last cigarette packet on Thursday night. I haven't had one since, although it's been very tempting to buy some more. I've stayed strong and let the craving pass, so far. I don't want to start again, it's generally when I'm with other smokers that I really, really want one. I get into habits, like having one when I'm on the phone, but I can pretty much break them. It's watching others that makes me want one. Must...Stay...Strong!!!
Today my girls had swimming. It's a very weird week because everything goes back to normal this week, except school which isnt' until Friday. So there were lots of kids with no school and lots of kids having swimming lessons.
Anyway, I took the opportunity to do some laps while 4yo was in her lesson. I took it fairly slowly and the 1/2 hour went by fairly quickly, only 3 or 4 checks of the clock. :-) Not bad for the first one back.
I have also stuck to my plan of not buying any more snacks and junk. It's kicking in now and I feel like I'm detoxing!! I've had 2 pieces of fruit today, and lots of water. I feel drained and headachy. It could also be because the weather is in the 40sC and the aircon is working it's little butt off!!
...Ok as a mum I tend to write my blogs in between calls of "Muuuum, Mum, Mum...!!!" So since I wrote the last bit a cool change has swept through Melbourne. It is now cooler outside than it is inside, so I've opened up all the windows and let the breeze flow through the house. It's lovely!!!
I'm still tired and headachey, but at least I'm not as hot.
So far so good on day 1. I'm sitting down tonight to plan what I'm going to make this week. I tend to make plans and then don't actually make any of it, so we'll see what happens. I'll have my new stove and the sink connected tomorrow, so it will be soooo much easier to prepare food in the kitchen. Just got to wait on the oven to be connected and I'm set. I'll have a functioning kitchen. :-) Yay!! Just gotta have a fully functioning plan.
Til next time,
Ness
Today my girls had swimming. It's a very weird week because everything goes back to normal this week, except school which isnt' until Friday. So there were lots of kids with no school and lots of kids having swimming lessons.
Anyway, I took the opportunity to do some laps while 4yo was in her lesson. I took it fairly slowly and the 1/2 hour went by fairly quickly, only 3 or 4 checks of the clock. :-) Not bad for the first one back.
I have also stuck to my plan of not buying any more snacks and junk. It's kicking in now and I feel like I'm detoxing!! I've had 2 pieces of fruit today, and lots of water. I feel drained and headachy. It could also be because the weather is in the 40sC and the aircon is working it's little butt off!!
...Ok as a mum I tend to write my blogs in between calls of "Muuuum, Mum, Mum...!!!" So since I wrote the last bit a cool change has swept through Melbourne. It is now cooler outside than it is inside, so I've opened up all the windows and let the breeze flow through the house. It's lovely!!!
I'm still tired and headachey, but at least I'm not as hot.
So far so good on day 1. I'm sitting down tonight to plan what I'm going to make this week. I tend to make plans and then don't actually make any of it, so we'll see what happens. I'll have my new stove and the sink connected tomorrow, so it will be soooo much easier to prepare food in the kitchen. Just got to wait on the oven to be connected and I'm set. I'll have a functioning kitchen. :-) Yay!! Just gotta have a fully functioning plan.
Til next time,
Ness
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