My Progress

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

If there was ever a night that I would break and have a smoke, it would be tonight.
I was up at 7:30, weighed myself, scales up over 109, having a "fat" day. Not going to wear my "skinny clothes" Comfort today.
The plumber arrived early to do the kitchen. No big deal, but I was asleep again by 9:30. When I got up again, at around 11, the girls were driving me batty!! They are so ready to go back to school/kinder, they are bored and are just antagonising each other. I had to get out of the house, so I decided to go shopping. It was just going to be the market, but I went to the shopping centre instead and met up with one of my friends. But before she got there, I had an "attack". I don't know if it's irritable bowel or dumping syndrome, but I get cramps and sweats and end up with the runs (hope you're not eating breakfast while reading this!!) Once it's over I'm fine, often tired, but no longer in pain.
So, I met up with my friend and we went to Kmart. We then run into a "friend" that I had not seen in over 6 months. I miss her, but she walked away from us. I couldn't chase her, this all happened when I had just got out of the hospital for the last time. I was not up to anything. So, she lied to me and told me she's coming to see me on Friday. I hope it made her feel better to say these things, cos she's obviously not having to hear about how much her daughters are missing my kids the way mine are missing hers. It breaks my heart that I can't explain to my girls why they can't see them, cos I really don't know what happened. She got back with her husband and wiped all her friends from the past 3 years. I wasn't the only one. How do I get a 5 year old to move on when I have no answers for her?
Anyway, we said goodbye to her and my real friend was soooo angry!! She'd been wiped too, so the lies were not appreciated.
We finished our shopping and I said goodbye to my friend. I had to get to the market before it closed. That was fairly uneventful, although one of the bosses there complimented me on my weightloss, so that lifted my "fat day" spirits. Would be nice if they offered me a job there, I have put my resume in, but oh well.
I then went to Aldi. I had put my resume in about a week and a half ago. The manager happened to come out of her office as I came into the store. She's hired and all of us unlucky ones will get a letter in the mail. I was shattered. While I didn't know, there was hope. Now I'm disappointed. As I walked away from the manager, I'm in the junk food aisle. It took all my strength to keep myself from saying "fuck it" and just buying all the junk/comfort food I could fit in my trolley. I rang my friend who gave me some wonderful, encouraging words. I felt the sadness and disappointment and reminded myself it's ok to feel this, and that eating was not going to take it away. I also had to remind myself that I am not buying any more rubbish in the groceries. I have to look after my family.
I got the groceries home, 5 hours after I'd left. :-) That's a shopping afternoon! I'd just sat down after putting it all away and Ken and the girls came home, early! There goes my peaceful evening! I shouldn't complain too loudly, I'd been away from them all afternoon. But they are so bored, they need to get back to school, some routine. You'd think that having all the junk gone from the house would calm them down, but no...
So that's my day. While writing this blog I've had another "attack". I know this one is because I made up some brownie mix, full of sugar and fat. I've been having a little bit each night. Possibly why I've been feeling like shite during the last couple of days and definitely why I've been on the loo tonight. I'm about to throw the last of it out. The last of the "junk" in the house.
It's going to take a bit of getting used to, cos even when I was at the market, before I had to talk myself down, I still had to remind myself that buying "treats" for the kids is not good for them. So many biscuits,  lollies, cakes and don't get me started on the deli!! I have to look after them, they are my life.

Til next time,


  1. Ness you are getting stronger every day. Well done on so many remarkable moments. :)

  2. Ness I second Kylies remarks really are getting there and you are no quitter your Girls are to important to you ..sending Heaps of Love Berys (: