Mood swings aint in it!!

I had an awesome weekend. I went to the World Vegan Day festival on Sunday. It was amazing! Incredibly busy. They didn't expect the crowds that came. There was a fantastic array of food, amazing causes and charities to help animals, cruelty free cosmetics and soaps and  there were stalls advertising Vegan Superannuation and life insurance. I had a really good talk with some of the stallholders.

This is Leo. He is the mascot of Humane Research Australia His story is here. http://www.humaneresearch.org.au/campaigns/Leos_story
I couldn't resist getting one for each of my girls. Especially once I'd read his story.

I felt a little foolish and naive at one point. There was a stall about stopping Rabbit farming. I asked my friend why would they farm Rabbits? She replied "do you eat rabbit". No, I do not eat Bug Bunny. I see them as either someone's pet or the wild ones that plague the small farms down the road from us. I do not see them as food. Apparently I ate it once when I was really little. Dad made a rabbit stew and my family didn't tell me. But it was awful, so the joke was on them. !!

I only felt judged once. I was talking to a stall holder about my fussy eater and we were talking about options. He asked if she ate Mashed potato. I replied no, she didn't "what kid doesn't like mashed potato?" The woman working on the stall turned to me and said "one who doesn't want starchy carbs" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?! I just looked at her. What 7 year old would know what starchy carbs are???
But then the guys asked if we have tried sweet potato. I replied "yes, that's all we have". HA! Suck shit, judgemental bitch! We don't give our kids starchy carbs! Well... at least not potato, don't ask about pasta. :)

So, I've come home with so much information and so many pamphlets to go through. I want to implement some changes, but I am going to have to do it very slowly so the kids and Hubby don't freak out too much.


So, I got home from the Festival, after spending some lovely time at my friend's house.

That night I found myself feeling very positive and focused. I decided that I want to have a big 40th blowout and I'm hoping that I can organise for Ken and I to renew our wedding vows, as my birthday is our wedding anniversary. I started researching the best date, checking for Easter and school holidays. We also want to got to Adelaide that year, he can go to the supercars race, the girls and I can go to the Adelaide Fringe Festival. I looked at how to get rid of our credit card first and have enough money to do all this in 18 months. I finished the weekend feeling great and deciding that I would keep working at my job and remind myself every day I have a goal to achieve!!

I lasted 1 and a half days...

I got hauled in the office and was told that my negative comments were not appreciated. All because while the boss was barking at us to hurry up and get started, I happened to murmer that "we don't get paid until 7 o'clock". If only they could hear what is said when they are not around! What I said is nothing!! That place is toxic.
I finished the day in a better mood. I realised that it's not me that creates this negative feeling. When one of the bigger bosses makes a crack about people taking too much time off, it shows where the negativity comes from.
So, for now, I keep plodding along, but there has to be something better out there. I am torn between just resigning and taking the risk of finding something else, or keeping at it and trying to find something that fits better, with supervisors that treat us like real people. Of course, there are my huge plans to consider too. How do I finance them without a job?

Til next time
Ness.

Meh...

Plot is gone. I took today off work as I had nearly no sleep all night, so was exhausted and my back was killing me! I went to the physio tonight and had it looked at.
But all day I ate. Grazing wasn't in it! It was whatever I could get my hands on, slowly consumed all day.

I am in a hole and I don't really feel strong enough to claw my way out at the moment. I feel powerless to know how to change my career, I feel hopeless. I am still not smoking, but I don't have the coping strategies at the front of my mind to deal with my emotions with anything else but feeling miserable and eating.

Hopefully tonight I'll get a good night's sleep and I can get back on track tomorrow.

Til Next time,
Ness.

Change has to be slow or I'll crash and burn...

So, I got on the scales this morning and my weight gain has hit 5kg. Not happy.
I've begun to look at things I can change to improve my health. I have reduced my breakfast from 3 pieces of toast to 2. I was finding I would end up with stomach cramps in the morning. And just because I can eat 3, doesn't mean I should. I am finding I am fine until tea break now.
I have also cut out sugar in my coffee. It's something that Hubby has said I should do for a long time. I am drinking it weak at the moment and it's been good.
So, that's been this week's changes. I am still working on drinking more water, but that's up and down, as usual. I have to get my head around drinking more. I have the problem that I have been told with the smaller stomach that I shouldn't drink within a certain time before or after food. That's great, if I could sip water while I was working, but I'm not allowed. So, I have to take in fluids in my breaks. On that directive, I can eat, or I can drink. So I ignore it and have a bit of both. I used to have my yoghurt and muesli at tea break, but I've moved that to lunch and have a piece of fruit, a cheese and bikkies and as much water as I can at tea break.

My main stumbling block is eating when I'm at home. Whether it's night time, after work or on my days off. I'm eating more than I should. I can graze and that's not a good thing. I know a lot of it is boredom. I will look at that later, but for now I will just keep these changes going and make them stick.

I just feel so yuk! I know I'm not back to where I was, but I look at my stomach (where the weight has gone to) and it's hard not to feel that I've undone it all. My bypass wont let me back to square one, but I'm not feeling too much like a success at the moment.

Til Next Time,
Ness

Ok, so this feels like it's going to be an annual thing. Let's just start with today.

I thought I was ready to start blogging again. I have had this page open for days. I have got so many draft pages typed from the last year that I have never posted. It's been 3 years since I had my first bariatric operation. It should all be a big success story. I should be at goal and able to show my "after" photos.
but the reality is that my head is all over the place and I can't seem to focus on what I need to do.

I am going to be one of the people I used to hate. I have gained 4 kilos. Now, when I was 150kg that meant nothing to me. I could gain 4kg without thinking about it and I wouldn't even notice it! I wore baggy and stretchy clothes and when you've got half your body weight to lose, what's 4kg?!

But now I've gone from 89kg to 93kg. Last week I went to put on a skirt that I last wore in December and there was no way it was going over my thighs. My tshirts are not fitting properly and I'm not game to try on my jeans. I am starting to panic. I feel so out of control  and am scared that this is my bypass no longer working for me and I'm going to end up back where I started.

Logic would say that I need to watch what I'm eating and start exercising. The reality is far different and I'm not coping right now.

I have created so many excuses and distractions for myself that I don't feel like I can claw my way back to reality.
I am going to indulge myself for a minute and look at my excuses.

I've quit smoking. Now, I quit in July. I created the situation where I would succeed. I don't have any smokes in the house. I no longer sit in the smokers' area at work, I changed my habits and work through any cravings. I haven't used patches or ecigs. I have succeeded because I have logically known that cravings will pass and not allowed myself to give into them. How good it would be to use the same approach to eating healthy!

I've gone back onto depo provera injections. The last time I was on them, I gained a LOT of weight. My doctor was adamant that it wasn't the injections that caused the gain, so I don't know if it's a psychological thing that I've created or if she's partly right where the medication doesn't in itself cause weight gain, but the hormone could cause hunger.

I've developed anaemia. Partly that would be from a lack of eating iron rich foods, partly because I haven't been taking my multivitamin and the bypass causes malabsorbtion which requires me to take a multivitamin!
It causes exhaustion. So I just haven't been bothered exercising.

My job isn't satisfying so in the last month or so I've had a hard time dealing with work, plus going through some family shit this year that spiralled me into depression for a short time until I could resolve it. And then some other shit that I had no control over.  I haven't worked on my emotional eating.

Oh yeah, and I hate my gastric bypass and I miss my sleeve. The sleeve did it's job, the bypass is just making me sick. I didn't want the malabsorbtion .I just wanted the restriction. Well, the bypass isn't giving me the same amount of restriction.

I'm all over the place. So no success story here yet.
I know what I have to do. I always know what I have to do. I'm just not feeling in control enough to make the changes.

Water, calories, exercise. It's not rocket science! It never has been. So why does it feel so difficult?

The other problem I have is that I don't feel like I have a support group. I have a lots to lose group who are lovely and awesome, but I don't feel like I can post "I've gained 4kg", purely because of what I said previously about when I was large. I joined a sleeve support website just before I had my first surgery and that was fantastic. But I'm not a sleever anymore.
I joined a gastric bypass group on Facebook, but most of them are at their liquid diet stage or have just had surgery. And I really have to stop myself from replying when they thank God for their bypass. Seriously?
it's like the first time my daughter tried to say grace. I said "Why are you thanking God? I cooked tea, not him". If there really is a God, I am so going to burn in hell!! :)
Anyway, I digress. I need a group that has had their surgery over a year ago, the novelty has worn off and the hard work begins.
Bariatric surgery is a tool. It's not the solution. I am testament to that. It's easy to begin with. You eat less, your body loses weight, you move more because you're not lugging an extra person worth of weight. But, as with all weightloss, towards the end, it gets more difficult to to lose. The plateaus begin. The frustration sets in, the panic that it's all going pear shaped. I need to find a place that understands what's going on and can help me.

So that's where I am right now. Reading this post back, this year has flown, so much has happened that it feels like 2 years packed into one. But I really have lost myself in all this. Maybe it's time to find myself again. It's time to find the time to find myself again. LOL

Til next time,
Ness.