I thought I was ready to start blogging again. I have had this page open for days. I have got so many draft pages typed from the last year that I have never posted. It's been 3 years since I had my first bariatric operation. It should all be a big success story. I should be at goal and able to show my "after" photos.
but the reality is that my head is all over the place and I can't seem to focus on what I need to do.
I am going to be one of the people I used to hate. I have gained 4 kilos. Now, when I was 150kg that meant nothing to me. I could gain 4kg without thinking about it and I wouldn't even notice it! I wore baggy and stretchy clothes and when you've got half your body weight to lose, what's 4kg?!
But now I've gone from 89kg to 93kg. Last week I went to put on a skirt that I last wore in December and there was no way it was going over my thighs. My tshirts are not fitting properly and I'm not game to try on my jeans. I am starting to panic. I feel so out of control and am scared that this is my bypass no longer working for me and I'm going to end up back where I started.
Logic would say that I need to watch what I'm eating and start exercising. The reality is far different and I'm not coping right now.
I have created so many excuses and distractions for myself that I don't feel like I can claw my way back to reality.
I am going to indulge myself for a minute and look at my excuses.
I've quit smoking. Now, I quit in July. I created the situation where I would succeed. I don't have any smokes in the house. I no longer sit in the smokers' area at work, I changed my habits and work through any cravings. I haven't used patches or ecigs. I have succeeded because I have logically known that cravings will pass and not allowed myself to give into them. How good it would be to use the same approach to eating healthy!
I've gone back onto depo provera injections. The last time I was on them, I gained a LOT of weight. My doctor was adamant that it wasn't the injections that caused the gain, so I don't know if it's a psychological thing that I've created or if she's partly right where the medication doesn't in itself cause weight gain, but the hormone could cause hunger.
I've developed anaemia. Partly that would be from a lack of eating iron rich foods, partly because I haven't been taking my multivitamin and the bypass causes malabsorbtion which requires me to take a multivitamin!
It causes exhaustion. So I just haven't been bothered exercising.
My job isn't satisfying so in the last month or so I've had a hard time dealing with work, plus going through some family shit this year that spiralled me into depression for a short time until I could resolve it. And then some other shit that I had no control over. I haven't worked on my emotional eating.
Oh yeah, and I hate my gastric bypass and I miss my sleeve. The sleeve did it's job, the bypass is just making me sick. I didn't want the malabsorbtion .I just wanted the restriction. Well, the bypass isn't giving me the same amount of restriction.
I'm all over the place. So no success story here yet.
I know what I have to do. I always know what I have to do. I'm just not feeling in control enough to make the changes.
Water, calories, exercise. It's not rocket science! It never has been. So why does it feel so difficult?
The other problem I have is that I don't feel like I have a support group. I have a lots to lose group who are lovely and awesome, but I don't feel like I can post "I've gained 4kg", purely because of what I said previously about when I was large. I joined a sleeve support website just before I had my first surgery and that was fantastic. But I'm not a sleever anymore.
I joined a gastric bypass group on Facebook, but most of them are at their liquid diet stage or have just had surgery. And I really have to stop myself from replying when they thank God for their bypass. Seriously?
it's like the first time my daughter tried to say grace. I said "Why are you thanking God? I cooked tea, not him". If there really is a God, I am so going to burn in hell!! :)
Anyway, I digress. I need a group that has had their surgery over a year ago, the novelty has worn off and the hard work begins.
Bariatric surgery is a tool. It's not the solution. I am testament to that. It's easy to begin with. You eat less, your body loses weight, you move more because you're not lugging an extra person worth of weight. But, as with all weightloss, towards the end, it gets more difficult to to lose. The plateaus begin. The frustration sets in, the panic that it's all going pear shaped. I need to find a place that understands what's going on and can help me.
So that's where I am right now. Reading this post back, this year has flown, so much has happened that it feels like 2 years packed into one. But I really have lost myself in all this. Maybe it's time to find myself again. It's time to find the time to find myself again. LOL
Til next time,
Ness.
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