Here's an idea that just popped into my head tonight. My night time eating, blowouts, binges, whatever name feels appropriate. They are not logical, they are not good for me. I don't seem to care by this time of night. I choose to make bad choices for myself.

One of the reasons for them? I have no witnesses. Nobody to be accountable to, nobody to be my conscience, to make me feel guilty for eating too much or make me feel guilty for being a bad role model. It's like letting my hair down at the end of the day. I don't have to be seen to be doing the right thing.

I'm not saying this justifies my behaviour, I subscribe to Dr Phil's philosophy that in order for a behaviour to continue, we must be getting some payoff from it. I get away with the eating because there is nobody there to stop me, including myself. Maybe I eat because I'm on my own. Ken goes out to his doghouse. I sit on the computer playing whatever game until my eyes start falling out of my head.

My counsellor feels that I am wasting my brain at home. My homework is to work out what makes me really happy.

Off the top of my head is co-ordinating playgroup. Being able to plan each week, organise dinners and excursions outside the sessions. I've really enjoyed the last year. And now that I know what I am doing, it's going to be a blast this year!

As for what else makes me happy... I'll have to think about that one.

Each day I sit down at my computer and open my blog. I want to start writing, but my mind is blank. My whole day goes out of my head. Any pearls of wisdom or witty anecdotes that I thought of earlier in the day simply vanish.

Today is no exception. But in my defence, I took all three girls shopping today, to the market AND the supermarket. And 2yo didn't have a sleep today!! My baby is growing up. She is coping without having a nap quite well. I still put her down every few days, but it's not essential.
That doesn't mean for a second she will sleep in!! Oh noooooooo. She's still up at around 7. I guess that is a sleep in, sometimes it can be 6am!!

I went to a baby shop the other day and spoke to the car seat fitter to work out whether 2yo is ready for a booster seat. She is :'-( Another sign she is growing up. My baby!! I haven't bought it yet. I forgot to check the bank balance before I went there. I also forgot a pay went in the weekend before. Oh well. I'll get there this week and give my baby another milestone. Oh and another new thing for her to drive me mad with. Taking her head out, undoing the seatbelt. Oh the joys!!

Look at that! I had nothing to say, but I found 2 paragraphs!!

Talking about the kids gives me a chance to avoid what's really going on. The fact I am ignoring what I need to do and eating absolute shite with no thought to the consequences.
I am a logical person. I know what happens when bad things go in. I see the scales going up. I have this delusion that I can get back on track, there is no hurry.

I can no longer say that I have lost 20 kilos, I'm in the teens. Only just, but there. it's creeping back on, but I don't seem to be suitably alarmed into action. My counsellor said I need to start loving myself. I guess it's easier said than done.

Maybe once school holidays are over and I can get into a real routine and not be at home so much... oh how I love being at home. No rushing around. We can go out when we want, or not!! But my gym time seems to get mucked around. I am still not doing something every day. It just doesn't seem to work, even with Ken home. He was sick yesterday, so I wasn't prepared to leave him with the kids. Today I was stuffed after shopping. I should have gone to the gym before I went to the shops, but Ken and I had an argument and he nicked off out the back. His solution to not getting his way. By tonight I was over the kids.

I was supposed to go scrapbooking, but Ken was out the back until 8pm. It started at 7. I could have gone out and got him, maybe it was my way out. I love scrapbooking, but the thought of dragging it all out tonight just exhausted me. I couldn't even be bothered getting it all out at home, let alone someone else's place.
I needed to get out of the house too. The kids did my head in today. Ken is taking them to Daddy playgroup in the morning, then out to his sisters, so I'll pretty much have a kid free day tomorrow! Yay! Gym in the morning, then off to pick up almost the full collection of Karen Greenwood's Phryne fisher series!! 16 books and I've only read one of them!! Woo hoo! That will keep me busy! And the best bit, instead of $26 a book, I'm only paying about $11!! I love Ebay!!

Once again, as usual, I am exhausted, so I will stop waffling here. I am burning a DVD at the moment, then I am shutting down the timezapper and getting some sleep! No sleep ins in this house!

Today was busy. I took the girls to the library to for a school holiday program. They had a ball. Stories, singing and dancing, then some craft at the end. They love it!

We left there and went to meet some friends at McDonalds. Cranbourne West McDonalds has to have the least switched on crew of any I've seen. The way Mcdonalds works now, calling out the orders as they are finished is so trashy! It took almost as long to get our icecreams as it would have to get the burgers! They look disorganised.

Anyway, despite that, the kids had fun there too. I got to sit and chat, in between the kids coming out of the play area to complain that this kid did this and that kid did that. Usual kid stuff.

We came home to find Ken unwell. Despite this, he managed to lay the concrete with his mate for the new puppy palace! I'm happy, I'll have my laundry back soon! No more dog beds to trip over and no more of the stuff that comes out of or off of them all through it either!

His mate left and Ken went to bed. I couldn't be bothered cooking tea, so we went to Cranbourne to go shopping for Ken's birthday present! 3yo was adamant that she wanted to get her Dad a Hannah Montana CD. I don't know if it's really something he wants, but we bought him a DVD, so maybe the whole family can enjoy it!
3yo has such a strong personality. I love that she is so sure of herself, so confident!

I also bought the girls some new clothes. 2yo is tall, but lean, so every thing fits, but looks too short. 3yo is tall, but thicker, so she needs bigger clothes for the width, but everything is too long for her. I can't win. But I found a few pieces that look good on them. It all depends on the cut.

So, we got home around 8pm. The girls didn't get to bed until about 9pm. God, I hope they sleep in in the morning!!

Speaking of sleep, a few minutes and I'm there too.