A usual day.

Ok, so the morning starts well. I have my porridge and start my day. I go out, forgetting to take a snack, so by the time lunchtime comes I could eat a horse and chase the jockey.

Lunch doesn't fill me up. I am thinking about food all afternoon, what I can eat, but still hide from 3yo, because I'd hate to be a bad role model! WTF!
Yet when it gets to 4:30 and I'm thinking about what I can make for dinner, suddenly I am tired and can't be bothered.

So we have tea. I may or may not pick while cooking, depending on what I am making and how pius I'm feeling. As usual the kids decide they don't want or like what I've cooked, so depending what it is, I may help them finish it.

The kids go to bed and Ken goes out to the doghouse. I am in the house on my own. No witnesses. It could be sandwiches, cold meat, biscuits, rice crackers with peanut butter, whatever I can get my hands on. There is nobody to hide from . Except myself.

I go to bed feeling full. Yet still empty. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll plan and remember to do the "right" thing. It will all be ok in the morning.

I went shopping today. I decided to get some more photos printed. I didn't scrapbook last night like I thought about, but I did use my "new" sizzix machine to cut out some stickers for Daddy playgroup. I spent 1/2 hour on that. The novelty wears off quickly!! but I did read the instructions, so I actually know how to use it now!
Anyway, I didn't really have any more photos to scrapbook, so I needed to get some more. I took both girls to Fountain Gate! OMFG!! I should know by now to take them out as little as possible. I spend more time saying "3yo!! Where are you?" than I do actually shopping. Another part of my time is spent making sure 2yo doesn't fall out of the trolley!!
3yo wouldn't tell me what she wanted for lunch. I say, "fine, do you want to just go home?" "Yes". So out we go, we get to the car park and she says "I want lunch"!! Well too bad, we're on the way home. "I'll have lunch at home" No, that's why we're out, because there is no food in the house and we need to go to the supermarket. Lunch is before shopping so we don't buy half the shop! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Is it a wonder I have any hair left with these kids!
We ended up at McDonalds. They had a play and ate a bit. Then we went to not quite right. It's a dangerous place, they have yummy things cheap! We don't go there very often, because they have a lot of yummy things cheap!! Today I went cos they have my oats there and, even though I didn't need to, I wanted to stock up on them.
In the end, I went to NQR, the market and Aldi. I had to go to Aldi because my usual chicken shop lady was on holidays this week and nobody was prepared to drop the price for me. So I said I'd leave it til she came back. Wasn't impressed with them today, but then everyone must have been having a break this week, cos even the owner and his wife was away. Not a happy place today. So I thought I'd try out Aldi's meat. Bought some rump steak. Their portions are fantastic! They are about the palm of my hand, not the size of half a cow like most places!! I know, I could just cut them in half, but then I have 4 pieces and I only need 3. Aldi gave me 3! Very impressed. The only thing wrong was that the pieces were different thicknesses and I didn't cook Ken's enough, but that's not Aldi's fault! I just needed to cook his a little longer.

I loaded my dinner up with lots of veggies. Two hours later I was hungry again. Maybe I need to look at the combination of veggies to work out what will fill me up. I don't know.

I was listening to one of Jillian's podcasts and she mentioned the topic of "food obsession" I really, really need to look into that. I seem to think about food a lot. The questions Jillian asked from a website I answered yes to I think it was 3 out of 5 questions, but with a leaning towards a fourth one. I also need to look into OA. The local meeting isn't happening, but apparently there is one 20 minutes away. I don't have the details. I'm sure it will be on the net.

But right now, it's 11:45pm and I really need to get to sleep, so I can go for my walk on the beach tomorrow.

Why am I constantly tired and miserable. I must be the most boring diarist on the whole web. It's always "poor me, why am I so tired, I'm putting on weight, I'm eating too much" Well, all those things are related, so the sooner I get off my sorry arse and start behaving myself foodwise, the quicker all those problems will settle down.

Now, as for Amy, well basically she's my inner child, or brat! One of the Flylady emails led me to thebratfactor.com . It seems very basic at the moment, but it's about recognising the inner child and not letting him or her win all the time.
One of the tips was to name your inner brat. So mine is Amy. Anyone who watches All Saints- Frank's niece!! Turns out it was a bit harsh calling a part of myself after her, because I can't stand that character. Really hate her, but she was the most brattish character I could think of. My counsellor asked me if I identified myself in her.
It kind of stopped me in my tracks. Do I really think the "bad" side of me is really that bad? Maybe I do. Maybe the things I do wrong are so terrible that I can't stand it. I always say I can't lie, people can see it straight away. But do I lie to myself?? In what way?? Hmmm... that I'll get back on the wagon, there's no rush. At the moment I have thought's of "what's the point?" I really feel that hopeless at the moment. Like I can't do it. Like I just don't want to do it. It is so much easier to sit in front of the computer and ignore everything else that is going on. The housework that isn't getting done, the exercise that isn't getting done. Oops, it's too late to go out now, the gym will be closing/the sun is going down. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm lying to myself and I'm cheating myself.

But stupidly I'm just going along with it.

Much to ponder at the moment. I'm hoping for a long walk along the beach on Sunday.