I didn't blog yesterday. Oh der, I guess you can see that!!

I just had nothing to say.

Today, I feel tired, sore and not too happy with myself.

I'm back to 130kg. I wasn't going to see the 130s ever again. I did pump last night and I really felt it. I hadn't done a class in 3 weeks, so my strength was down a bit, but I also felt my stomach sticking out (more than normal). And my back was really feeling it.

I need to put it in perspective. I have gained 6 kilos in 6 months. In the previous 6 months to that I'd lost 26 kilos. I'm still ahead, but I'm not happy with where the scales are trending.

"So!??! Do something about it!"

I talk, a lot!! I am going to do this, I am going to do that. Gunna, gunna gunna!! I have a real problem with following through. I go alright for a little while, then I let bad habits creep back in. A bit of peanut butter here, an extra sandwich there. The last few nights I've been sitting up in bed with cheese and vegemite sandwiches. I'm not completely back to where I was, I probably would have had cordial or soft drink and a 250g block of chocolate to go with it if that was the case. But the fact that I was eating in bed, at night, shows I'm slipping.

So, what action is going to be taken?

...Hmmm, I am working to exercise every day. My easy days are just my workout, the harder days are classes and netball. At the moment it's easy, Ken's off work, so I leave him with the kids and off I go. He's back to work next week, so I'll be putting them in the Creche in the mornings til Kinder starts back, then I only need to put 2yo in there.

This wont always happen, but if I only miss the odd day, I'll be happy.

Food. Damn stupid fucking food! I used to love it. I loved cooking, creating, eating!! It was my thing. I guess if people loved my food, they loved me. That's how starved for attention I was.

Things changed. I moved out of home. I got sacked as a cook (three warnings- I was worked into the ground, Cheap labour!! I was earning $10 an hour, the people around me $17. Thanks Mr Kennett!!) I was working Saturday nights, then coming back and doing Sunday mornings too. It put me off working with food. I'd put on heaps of weight working there. I was 18, had my licence, worked with food, very little exercise. I ate at the restaurant, had no inclination to eat healthily or look after myself. I was too busy filling shifts and was unable to say "no" to more work. It was all about the money. It was surviving, not looking towards the future.

Having said that, I was still really a kid. I didn't start looking to the future until I was in my 20s. Ken and I had started saving for our house. I still wasn't looking after myself healthwise. The inclination to do that didn't come until I'd had children. 3yo was a baby and I was having a smoke. I realised that if I kept doing that, I wouldn't see her grow up. It also increased the likelyhood of her starting the habit, I loved her too much to do that to her. So I quit. I admit, there have been lapses, but I've always stopped again. It might be a week, or a day (I let my niece talk me into having them when I'm with her.)

So if I can quit smoking without the "all or nothing" (or is that "nothing or all") attitude, why can't I quit the junk the same way?

Why am I choosing to go back down the bad path again??
Is it easier to say "it's all too hard and I don't want to do it anymore? No, because some of the changes I have made have stuck.

Is it self esteem? Most definitely! I would fight tooth and nail for my friends, would do anything for them, but I can't even ask my friend to watch my girls for a few hours so Ken and I can have dinner together and see a movie. We know exactly where we want to go and what movie to see, but I can't bring myself to ask, yet I'll babysit at the drop of a hat for anyone.
A mixture of the whole "need to be needed" thing, and not feeling worthy of the night out. Throw in a bit of controlling Mum who doesn't like leaving her kids with anyone for too long, mainly because I don't want to stretch the friendship. What if I need a babysitter again for something important and I've wasted a turn on a frivolous night out. (ok, not logical, because this friend would say yes on both accounts, no hesitation.)

I have to keep telling myself I am worth this. Eventually I may believe it. The old "fake it til you make it". Nobody else is going to do this for me. Except maybe a surgeon, lol. I have this fear that if I had liposuction, they would take out half the fat cells and I'd be left lopsided!!

I was going to go to the gym this afternoon. Ken says "go tonight". He's waiting for a call to pick up his car from the mechanics. Ok, I can wait. I'll go around 7, when I would normally go to an evening class. (Turns out the car's not going to be ready til tomorrow!)
At 6:00, I see something in Gabby's hair! A great big bug!! EEEEEWWWWWW!! The next two hours is spent treating and combing the girls hair, then Ken's hair and finally my hair! 8:30pm and the girls are finally showered, teeth brushed, story read and into bed.
So there goes my workout tonight. If he thinks I'm going to miss it tomorrow morning, he's got another thing coming!! I am trying to make the most of him being home!

I decided today that I would not turn my computer on today until the kids went to bed AND my kitchen was clean. It was the best move I could have made. I got all the clothes washed, the kitchen cleaned, the bookwork done for playgroup and all the paperwork sorted for it too. I am pooped, but feel so good for what I've accomplished today.
But I got so into what I was doing, when I checked the time, it was 6:30pm!! Oooops, I was supposed to be at Pump half an hour ago! I'll get there eventually.

I was thinking about yesterdays topic during the morning, but as the day went on it's power over me lessened as I saw more and more work get done around my home. I now feel really good. I'll still take another day or so away from it, but I'm feeling better about going back.

CK is what we call Calorie King Australia. It's a weightloss site that I use to help me lose weight.

After all that work, I am exhausted, so I'm off to bed.

I have been trying to avoid blogging about a certain topic as I didn't want to give it airtime, but it's now doing my head in and I need to get it down so I can move on.

Some shit has gone down in my beloved CK thread the last few days. Normally it is a place where I can read about my friends' days and we can celebrate the achievements, buttkick when needed and try to help up people when they are feeling down.
We had a post from someone with incredibly strong views and opinions. Now, I don't blame her for defending herself, however, from past experience, interactions with this person are akin to slamming your head against a brick wall hard and often. I could see the potential for that happening in there, especially with some of the more vocal people in the group, myself included. She was asked to leave. Several times. Her blog that day was loosely based on what had happened, with a bit of tweaking for dramatic effect. I wanted badly to comment on it but, once again, the thought of that brick wall stopped me. Also the promise of more to come as she's not one to back down from what she sees is a fight.
The mood lightened the next day in the thread, I admit to being a part of some of the comments made about her. I even changed my avatar in the spirit. But unfortunately our "fun" little comments went on for a bit too long. Eventually one of her friends posted an "enough is enough" post that unfortunately started getting personal.
I must admit, the friend did have a point, it was an open thread and anyone could read it, I even cringed at one of the comments (I am a Harry Potter fan, it was below the belt!). It made me realise that I needed to stop being a part of it.

I was watching the fight going on between one of my friends and one of her friends. It was horrible. This isn't what I signed up for. It was not going to end well. I stepped in, asked them to stop, (for their own sakes as well as my own) and got a parting shot thrown at me for my trouble.

I feel very sad at the moment. Sad that I actively took part in all this, sad that members of the thread I have been a part of for over a year are so angry and hurt by what one person and their friend has to say. Sad that I let it get to me.

But I'm also angry that people who are working towards the same goal- to feel comfortable in their skin- are at each other like lions. I don't want to be around that. I have enough negativity in my own head. CK is supposed to be my positive, encouraging place. Hopefully now that there have been a few explosions, maybe now it will all settle down.

These people are real to me. I have met quite a few of the people I talk to regularly and regard them as my friends.

At the moment, it feels like I am back at school and the teachers are nowhere to be seen.

Time to take a couple of days off, I think. Get away from the madness.