We made the finals for both my netball teams, Tuesday and Thursday. We lost the finals. I feel like shit. It was my fault. I didn't get all the goals in. Today I lost it and even had words with the umpire, which is so not like me, I really have to be riled to argue a point. The GD had my number and managed to pull calls against me. last week was fun, this week was serious. I didn't have it in me. I feel like I let the whole team down. If we had a spare player, I would have walked off and gone home. It was horrid. If I had have just settled down and played, we might have won. Thank God we are now on break and we wont be back until after the school holidays, because if I had to play next week, I probably would have quit for the sake of the teams.
I am so tired now. I hate that I didn't play my best game. I hate that I let that stupid bitch get to me. God, I hope they go up next season. They probably wont, but I can dream.

I ate a chocolate bar after the game. It's a bad habit that I have to avoid getting into.
When I bought it, I was upset after the game and I just didn't care. I guess it was Amy making the decision and I couldn't be bothered trying to do the right thing. Not that there are any healthy choices at that canteen.

I am just drained.

After the game I went and bought my neighbour a present and card, then I had to go hunting for apple cakes to put a candle in so we could sing happy birthday. She loves apple cakes, so I thought it most appropriate. I bought her a writing set, she writes letters to her sister and 4yo has started writing letters to her too. It's very cute.

I now have no plans for the rest of the day, but to veg. I don't even want to make dinner. I just want to go to bed.

I actually filled in my food diary last night. I needed to face what I am doing to myself. I went to bed last night telling myself what a horrible person I am. I woke up this morning and remembered another 2000 calories that I had forgotten to put in yesterday.
It was a bad day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just ate, and ate, and ate. Amy wanted cheese spread on toast last night. I'd let Amy buy the cheese spread, even though it is on my banned foods list. I hadn't had it for so long.
There is a reason I don't have it in the house. I eat it like it's going out of fashion.

It might have been a reaction to the solidifying of my gains of last week. I thought maybe I'd lose some of the weight I put on last week. But it stayed, along with another 100g gain.
I know, not the way to deal with weight gain. I've not been looking after myself. I just haven't cared. As my blogs have shown. All the "goals for today" that don't get another mention because I "forget" or I give up by the afternoon, and trying to wake up to myself. I have let the wheels fall off and I feel like I'm treading water.

I have started today with my cup of oats. I tend to get so busy with the girls in the morning that I forget to have breakfast, only to come home later and eat the contents of the kitchen. So today, I have fed myself before running around like a mad thing.
I have 1/2 hour to get 4yo to kinder!! And we're all sitting here in our Pyjamas!! Um, gotta go!!

Yadda Yadda Yadda!!

We had a bit of a panic. Thought the dishwasher was stuffed, but it dried out and is fine now, thank God!! I handwashed everything for the last two days, then today Ken loaded the dishwasher, so it's getting there. I did a load of washing yesterday and today. I tidied up most of the loungeroom today. I didn't time it, but I know it was longer than 15 minutes. I was stuffed!! I have a headache for the 3rd day in a row. I'm almost certain it's from sitting at the computer.

I don't have netball tomorrow. I am going to the specialist with Ken. Hopefully we'll get some answers. He's not deciding about leaving work until he hears from her.

Our plans for going to Bathurst for the 1000 is coming together. If Ken's mate could make up his mind, it would make planning so much easier!!

I got a text message from the masseuse I've been to a couple of times, offering 1/2 price massage on a Monday! I think I'll take her up on that!! :-) Especially while Ken's still home!

TMI Warning!! TTOTM talk!

I'm feeling better. Turns out my problems, well at least for last week, was PMS. I haven't had official PMS for over a year, with the implanon being in, (Ken would just say I'm a bitch all the time!!) so I didn't know when my hormones would be getting back to normal.
It's funny, but I feel so much better now!! Normally TTOTM is a horrible time, where every woman is miserable on some level, from a slight bloating to incredible, go to bed with some nurofen pain. I admit, I was in pain the first couple of days, but I feel human again!! I should have been happy that I didn't have to go through TTOTM, but it's part of life. The hormones I put in my body made me feel different. I'm not exactly sure how, but they did. I needed them out, not just so we can try for another child, but so I could feel healthy again.
I put the implanon in and went onto anti depressants for my fibromyalgia all at the same time. I needed a break from trying for another child and was struggling with the aches and pains fibro gives me. So I changed a lot of things in a short period of time. It was around then that I lost interest in losing weight. I lost interest in sex (which isn't like me at all!! ;-) ) and haven't been quite right since.
I feel glimmers of wanting to get focused on losing weight again. The fact that I can't fit into my netball skirt is starting to get to me. Especially when I know I would have fitted into it last year!I've hung it up in my bedroom so I can see it.

... I just weighed in. I've gained again. It's not good. I don't want to do an unsustainable big sweeping change that might only last a day or too. But I need to be more aware of what I am doing and the choices I am making. Am I using Ken as an excuse to not exercise?? Maybe. He took both of them out yesterday. I could have gone out then, a walk, a ride. I need to look at things again. Go back to making my small changes. Stop kidding myself that I'll get back to it "soon", "eventually", "in a week or two".

...I'll be honest, going back to square one, back to making small changes, feels like I've failed. I know not doing anything is denial, but while I'm doing what I am doing now, I can kid myself that I am "maintaining", that it's ok, cos I've lost 20 kilos! Well, the scales aren't at a 20 kilo loss. I am not maintaining. I am back to where I was before. The scales may not say it yet, but they are definitely trending upwards. My behaviours are pre CK. The food is not the best choices I can make. I am back to trying for a day, 1/2 a day, then not thinking too much about what goes into my mouth. I will break through all this.

OMG!! I just realised that while I was focusing on Amy, I'd forgotten about the inner voice! The one that destructs everything. As I was typing the previous paragraph, I was thinking "yeah, you start out wanting to do it, but you always stuff it up. You forget and go back to the old ways" "You wont fit into that skirt. You stuffed up and now it's too late".
It's going to take time for me to reverse all that negative talk. It's all about caring about myself. I haven't been doing too much of that lately.

As for the housework. I was slack on the washing for about 3 days, but I did 3 loads yesterday to make up for it (4yo had run out of knickers too, so I had to catch up.) Ken's been helping with the dishes, so the dishwasher has been on every day.
And I found my dining table yesterday!! Woohoo!! There is always way too much crap sitting on there. I also sorted out my scrapbooking stuff that I had bought a the end of December and has been sitting in the dining room ever since! A bit of tidying in the loungeroom too. So there is some movement on that front.

Time to give myself a foot up the arse!!

Feel like shit. Everytime I eat something I end up with Abdo pain. Went to GP, she says it's because my bowel needs to detox and I just need to eat healthy again. So I will do that, I will get through the pains and hopefully feel a lot better soon. Mind you, my GP is on a raw food diet. She had the same complaints that I went to her with. I am NOT going on a raw food diet!!

Took Ken to the doctor this morning too. He's on new medications, hopefully he'll start improving. He's taken 4 weeks off work. I don't know if I'm going to survive it, but it should help him. I just fear that he'll take that time off, feel better, then go back to work and be back to square one!!

I didn't get any housework done today. I am just drained. I'm going to bed and it's only ten to nine!!

I got a load of dishes done today and a load of washing. I spent about an hour trying to declutter my computer desk. It's looking a little better. Got rid of some rubbish. Paid some bills. How depressing to spend about $1000 and only have a few receipt numbers to show for it? No clothes, nothing new, well except for my new, ugly brown registration sticker!

I got a text message warning of extreme weather conditions tomorrow. I know it's going to be a total fire ban, but I really feel like it's a bit of overkill. It's so dry around here, so I know we're at risk, but the black Saturday fires has really shaken everyone up. People are keeping their kids home from school. It's going to be in the 30s and really windy. I have to decide if I'm sending 4yo to kinder. I will be. I might stay with her. I was supposed to do kinder duty last week, but with being sick, and having no car, I decided not to. They said I was welcome to stay any time. At least we'd all be together if something happened.
I don't want to think the worst, but after we had a fire on the highway at the end of our street, it's kinda shaken me a little.
I've backed up my computer files, so if I have to flee, I can just grab my external harddrive.
I still haven't put all the photos together. I think that's due to a bit of denial and the thought that it's such a big job.
Ken came home in pain. He got himself stuck on the front doorstep tonight, he couldn't get up. He wont be at work tomorrow. But as he is in so much pain, I'll probably be looking after him. I wont get any help with the girls. Selfish thought, but I am finding it so hard to do it all on my own. even the little things he does around the house are a help. loading the dishwasher, or even watching the girls if I need to go out. I was going to go boxing for the first time tonight, but there was no way he was going to be able to get the girls to bed. I have decided to cancel my gym memberships, just for a few months. It's pointless paying money when I can't get there. If Ken's having a good day and I can go out, I can pay casually at either gym. Once he's back on track and I've got my mojo back, I can join again.

It's 10:20pm, past my bedtime.

Ok, day one, so far. It's 5:20pm and I've hung one load of washing out and put another one on. I also put the dishwasher on, but had to rewash the dishes because an egg shell blocked the drain and everything was still dirty.

I haven't done my 15 minutes yet. I plan to do that when the kids go to sleep. Although 2yo is having a late nap and may not go to sleep til late tonight.
It was so cute, we were lying on my bed watching TV. One seconds she was looking at me with her gorgeous hazel colored eyes, the next she was asleep!! I don't have the heart to wake her.

So I'm 2/3rds of the way there and on track to get the next job done! I'm even making dinner right now!

8:39pm. Oops, I forgot to publish post!! I still haven't done my 15 minutes. I've been feeling sick all afternoon. Back to having the runs again. I am so over this.
I was right, 2yo is keeping 4yo awake.
I will set the timer now. I think it's time to attack the dining table. I might be able to sort my scrapbooking out then.