My Progress

Monday, March 9, 2009

TMI Warning!! TTOTM talk!

I'm feeling better. Turns out my problems, well at least for last week, was PMS. I haven't had official PMS for over a year, with the implanon being in, (Ken would just say I'm a bitch all the time!!) so I didn't know when my hormones would be getting back to normal.
It's funny, but I feel so much better now!! Normally TTOTM is a horrible time, where every woman is miserable on some level, from a slight bloating to incredible, go to bed with some nurofen pain. I admit, I was in pain the first couple of days, but I feel human again!! I should have been happy that I didn't have to go through TTOTM, but it's part of life. The hormones I put in my body made me feel different. I'm not exactly sure how, but they did. I needed them out, not just so we can try for another child, but so I could feel healthy again.
I put the implanon in and went onto anti depressants for my fibromyalgia all at the same time. I needed a break from trying for another child and was struggling with the aches and pains fibro gives me. So I changed a lot of things in a short period of time. It was around then that I lost interest in losing weight. I lost interest in sex (which isn't like me at all!! ;-) ) and haven't been quite right since.
I feel glimmers of wanting to get focused on losing weight again. The fact that I can't fit into my netball skirt is starting to get to me. Especially when I know I would have fitted into it last year!I've hung it up in my bedroom so I can see it.

... I just weighed in. I've gained again. It's not good. I don't want to do an unsustainable big sweeping change that might only last a day or too. But I need to be more aware of what I am doing and the choices I am making. Am I using Ken as an excuse to not exercise?? Maybe. He took both of them out yesterday. I could have gone out then, a walk, a ride. I need to look at things again. Go back to making my small changes. Stop kidding myself that I'll get back to it "soon", "eventually", "in a week or two".

...I'll be honest, going back to square one, back to making small changes, feels like I've failed. I know not doing anything is denial, but while I'm doing what I am doing now, I can kid myself that I am "maintaining", that it's ok, cos I've lost 20 kilos! Well, the scales aren't at a 20 kilo loss. I am not maintaining. I am back to where I was before. The scales may not say it yet, but they are definitely trending upwards. My behaviours are pre CK. The food is not the best choices I can make. I am back to trying for a day, 1/2 a day, then not thinking too much about what goes into my mouth. I will break through all this.

OMG!! I just realised that while I was focusing on Amy, I'd forgotten about the inner voice! The one that destructs everything. As I was typing the previous paragraph, I was thinking "yeah, you start out wanting to do it, but you always stuff it up. You forget and go back to the old ways" "You wont fit into that skirt. You stuffed up and now it's too late".
It's going to take time for me to reverse all that negative talk. It's all about caring about myself. I haven't been doing too much of that lately.

As for the housework. I was slack on the washing for about 3 days, but I did 3 loads yesterday to make up for it (4yo had run out of knickers too, so I had to catch up.) Ken's been helping with the dishes, so the dishwasher has been on every day.
And I found my dining table yesterday!! Woohoo!! There is always way too much crap sitting on there. I also sorted out my scrapbooking stuff that I had bought a the end of December and has been sitting in the dining room ever since! A bit of tidying in the loungeroom too. So there is some movement on that front.

Time to give myself a foot up the arse!!

1 comment:

  1. It's like you're inside my head sometimes.... If you work out how to start again, can you please let me know. :o)