Saturday night rave!

Great! My internet is stuffed. I've just connected through my mobile phone because after 5 minutes I hadn't even gotten to the Facebook homepage! I did see that my phone company had confirmed that hackers had accessed personal details and they were threatening further chaos by preventing access to the internet. It's a protest over something, I can't remember what. So I'll just leave it for tonight and have a look tomorrow. My phone got straight in, so I'll just do that for tonight.

My focus on food and water lasted about 3 days and then I just started eating whatever I could put my hands on. My weight has stayed put, so it's small mercies that it hasn't crept up. I'm fighting a mental battle over exercise. I just don't want to do it. I don't know why, I am using the excuse it's too cold, but there is some mental barrier to me JFDI!

Might work on what's stopping me.

til next time,
Ness.

Tuesday report. I need to get a life!!

Nothing like being a million years behind on nutritional fads. I had my first scrambled egg whites today. I couldn't get over how much I had, yet it was only 71 calories! It was the equivalent of about 2 whole eggs, which I had the previous day, and they were 165 calories.
Whenever I heard "egg white omelette", I was always put off. I aways thought of it as a whole food, clean eating  "my body is a temple" kind of thing and that was never me, cos I love chocolate too much. Maybe it was my inner child throwing a tanty because she wasn't getting yolks? Or the whole rebel thing because in the 80s eggs were evil, the yolks caused heart attacks? Maybe my Scottish blood coming through and I didn't want to waste the yolks? Maybe too much time analysing the merits of eggs and not enough just eating the damn things.

Anyway, they were yummy. I was able to put a bit of cheese spread on my piece of toast and not feel guilty. A bit of tomato and onion through it would have topped it off nicely!

I weighed myself this morning. I've lost 1.2kg, since I restarted. I know this is all fluid, but it's lovely to feel at least a little safely away from 90kg.

Calories up a bit. 2241. Silly me bought some chocolate from a friend. There's 450 calories I didn't need, but am so weak when it comes to the demon sweet. This is why I don't keep it in the house.

And with all that, I managed to drink 6 glasses of water today! Yay! I've cut my coffee down to only one or two a day now, so  I have more room for water. :-) At least that's the theory. :-)

So it was a mixed day today.

Til next time,
Ness.

Just a little report on my day foodwise.

Calories today were 2152. Another drop from yesterday of a whole 47 calories. :-)

However, today I focused on getting lots of protein in. I exceeded the level of protein recommended for me. I also felt a lot fuller today. I wasn't feeling the emptiness as often. I'll keep tweaking. I made a batch of lemon butter tonight (not for me, don't like the stuff)  that needed just yolks, so I'll be having an egg white scram for breakfast tomorrow.
The planning did help too. Often I'll look at what I've planned and say "I don't want that", but today I really enjoyed my menu. Scrambled eggs for breakfast, chicken and salad wrap for lunch and lambs fry and bacon for dinner. If I just hadn't made a silverside and cheese sandwich at 11pm, I wouldn't have blown my calories so far out. (Apparently the lettuce made it healthy!)  Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

I need to go and drink another glass of water. I may not be moving forward with drinking water, but I'm sure as shit not going backwards, at least not today. 3 glasses again today.

Scintillating entry, but needed to get it down to keep me a little accountable for my food.

Til next time,
Ness.

Day 2, again...

I've tracked my calories over the last two days. Yesterday was 2704. According to Calorie King I'm supposed to be on 1450. So that's nearly double. When I was at my highest weight, I could put away 4000 calories no problem! A KFC meal for me would have been my current calorie requirements! Nothing to be proud of, just remembering where I was. Last time I was on Calorie King, my calories were supposed to be 2000.

But anyway, I have been making an effort to increase my fruit and veggies. Yesterday and today I've had a banana and an orange. More fruit than I've eaten for a while. Tonight we had a chicken wrap for tea. My main problem is having too much of a good thing. I'm not stopping when I should. I felt very full after dinner, but these days that feeling doesn't last too long. That annoys me. When I had my sleeve it was a lot easier to stop.
I'm still snacking in the evenings. Today's calories were 2199. An improvement on yesterday. And I've managed 3 glasses of water again. Two whole days of consistency. :-)

The main thing is the head hunger. I'm not supposed to feel hunger anymore. The ghrelin hormone has been removed from my stomach, but I feel empty and want to eat.

Protein is meant to be my focus. Maybe an egg on toast instead of cereal for breakfast tomorrow.

I do have a question, though. If my bypass is designed to reduce the calories I absorb, how many calories am I supposed to have? Maybe 1450 is going to be too low as I'm not absorbing them all. I'll aim to reduce down to this for now, but if I'm trying to gnaw my own arm off from "hunger", or I'm feeling weak, grumpy or even dizzy, I'll increase it. Guess I've got to get to it first!

For one of the first times I have just planned my food for the day. Depressing! I've got 88 calories left without even including snacks! I'll have to tweak quantities and what I'm putting into my meals. I was shocked that 30g of flour has 107 calories! Almost as much as the 100g of lambs fry I'm  planning on having. Hmmm... don't think that 100g of lambs fry will get covered in that much flour! I need a bit more practice in counting my calories. I haven't done it for over 2 years. Who am I kidding, I haven't really done it for about 4 years! But right now I'm doing it. I've got to start somewhere!

Til next time,
Ness.

Reflection

Feeling a lot more positive today. I need to make changes, cos I'm not eating as well as I should. I have gained weight. This should not be happening and I have to take responsibility for my diet and not rely on my body to deal with it all. I also have a real fear of going back to the surgeon with a gain for him to record. I already had a small gain last time and I have to reverse that so I don't undo my good work.
I know that sounds silly, but when I had the sleeve, I physically could not eat much. I didn't feel hunger and I couldn't emotionally eat because it didn't fit! Now I can eat more than I could before. Twice as much, it seems. I'm not back to where I was, but I don't get the pain of fullness anymore. If I eat too much, I feel sick. Apparently this is not enough to pull me into line.
I haven't been drinking water, it's been coffee and tea all the time. I started today with a big glass of water. I'm sipping that at the moment. I've also snuck back into Calorieking.com.au and started logging my food. This is probably the most important factor. I can eat a normal diet now. Unfortunately I haven't been taking advantage of that and eating healthy food. There was a risk of dumping syndrome with the bypass. It did happen a little earlier in the piece, but I'm not having a huge reaction to chocolate or junk food. Not good.

This is why I wanted a sleeve, to be able to physically stop myself eating! My body has forsaken me!

Exercise is to come. For now I need to get this water into me.

til next time,
Ness

Psychobabble Qu'est que ce...

Every time I get on here I think "wow, it's been ages since I posted". I had big plans to post every day. But then life gets in the way. A mundane life that doesn't feel worthy of being posted about. Get up, get the kids to school, get on the computer to play whatever time wasting game takes my fancy that day. Go to the odd appointment. Help out at the school with fundraising, spelling in a grade 2 class and canteen duty. That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

Even with life getting in the way, I have so looked forward to the school holidays. I have been tired, run down and depressed for the last month or so. Another reason for not posting. I wanted my blog to be an inspirational journey of someone who was changing their life, losing half their bodyweight and becoming a new person. Turns out I'm the same person, just with 65kg less fat on me. Real inspirational.

I have started seeing a psychologist. I had my second session today. He's told me to work on expressing my feelings. Apparently it's ok to say my Mum did a shit job of raising me. I survived, but it was despite her, not because of her. My life could have gone such a different way if I didn't have the strength inside me to keep going, cos she sure as shit didn't help me along.

Even reading that back, I want to delete it. How can I write that about my mother? It was funny, he was talking about the two areas in parenting, discipline and nurturing, and that she had failed me on both counts. My first reaction inside was "you can't say that about my mother!" But I spent so much time trying to look after her and protect her, I never saw that she was supposed to be looking after me! No wonder I'm fucked up!! 


Now, it's all very Freudian to blame my mother for everything that is wrong with my life. I walked away from the first session feeling like "not this old topic again". But having had time to think about it all, I've never dealt with my childhood, never processed it or been able to make peace with it. The thing that got me to making that first appointment is the fact that I have a pattern. I do so much that I get run down. I ignore the tiredness and keep going. I then find something totally unrelated to why I'm so tired and blow up at the person involved in that. A couple of days of adrenalin to stew over it, then into depression, realising I shouldn't have blown and that I'm a horrible person and questioning every conversation that I've had with anybody ever to show how I always say the wrong things, do the wrong things and that I shouldn't be doing anything that involves interacting with other people. 
This pattern has been going on for most of my life. I remember as a 12 year old calling a friend's dad "Hitler".  I never liked him, I think I projected my Dad onto him. Easier to be angry with someone who is there than someone who isn't.  See, unrelated person to lash out at! I was banned from his house, funnily enough!
I think 25 years is long enough, Time to break the patterns.


Til Next time,
Ness.