Every time I get on here I think "wow, it's been ages since I posted". I had big plans to post every day. But then life gets in the way. A mundane life that doesn't feel worthy of being posted about. Get up, get the kids to school, get on the computer to play whatever time wasting game takes my fancy that day. Go to the odd appointment. Help out at the school with fundraising, spelling in a grade 2 class and canteen duty. That's pretty much it in a nutshell.
Even with life getting in the way, I have so looked forward to the school holidays. I have been tired, run down and depressed for the last month or so. Another reason for not posting. I wanted my blog to be an inspirational journey of someone who was changing their life, losing half their bodyweight and becoming a new person. Turns out I'm the same person, just with 65kg less fat on me. Real inspirational.
I have started seeing a psychologist. I had my second session today. He's told me to work on expressing my feelings. Apparently it's ok to say my Mum did a shit job of raising me. I survived, but it was despite her, not because of her. My life could have gone such a different way if I didn't have the strength inside me to keep going, cos she sure as shit didn't help me along.
Even reading that back, I want to delete it. How can I write that about my mother? It was funny, he was talking about the two areas in parenting, discipline and nurturing, and that she had failed me on both counts. My first reaction inside was "you can't say that about my mother!" But I spent so much time trying to look after her and protect her, I never saw that she was supposed to be looking after me! No wonder I'm fucked up!!
Now, it's all very Freudian to blame my mother for everything that is wrong with my life. I walked away from the first session feeling like "not this old topic again". But having had time to think about it all, I've never dealt with my childhood, never processed it or been able to make peace with it. The thing that got me to making that first appointment is the fact that I have a pattern. I do so much that I get run down. I ignore the tiredness and keep going. I then find something totally unrelated to why I'm so tired and blow up at the person involved in that. A couple of days of adrenalin to stew over it, then into depression, realising I shouldn't have blown and that I'm a horrible person and questioning every conversation that I've had with anybody ever to show how I always say the wrong things, do the wrong things and that I shouldn't be doing anything that involves interacting with other people.
This pattern has been going on for most of my life. I remember as a 12 year old calling a friend's dad "Hitler". I never liked him, I think I projected my Dad onto him. Easier to be angry with someone who is there than someone who isn't. See, unrelated person to lash out at! I was banned from his house, funnily enough!
I think 25 years is long enough, Time to break the patterns.
Til Next time,
Ness.
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