Did I blink and miss it?

It's Sunday night. Where on earth did the weekend go?? The beauty bit is that the weekend continues on this week!! Yay!! I don't have to rush tomorrow!! Woohoo!!

I do have on my calendar to go and do pump at 6pm. So I do have something to do tomorrow. I am also taking dstepd shopping for an outfit for her birthday. It's twofold because it will give her something nice to wear to the funeral on Tuesday. I was stumped this year. She doesn't really need anything, or what I thought of has already been bought. So it's clothes for her birthday and a new doona cover for Christmas. Wacky do!!

Anyhoo... I was a bit pissed off with Ken this morning. He refused to get up and get the girls breakfast. He carried on because I didn't get to bed until 3:30 this morning and as far as he was concerned my penance for that was to get up. He just doesn't get that regardless of what time I went to bed, at least one day a week he could get up and make their food. I do it 7 days a week!! Now, it's my choice to stay home and look after the girls. I never complain about that, in fact I feel so incredibly blessed to be in a position to be able to do it. But he is missing out on heaps with his archaic attitude that it's a woman's job. To be honest, it's just his way of being lazy. He then couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him for about an hour!!

He took the girls to playgroup this morning. Hmmm... I really shouldn't complain too loudly then, huh?? It would be nice to have a lie in though and not have to get them ready.
They got home in time for me to drop dstepd off for her Christmas lunch, we got the girls ready and we were off to the birthday party.

Now Ken's taken the girls off to see Christmas lights again. I'm sorry, but that's just way too many lights in one weekend!! the photos from last night were nice, but all I can see is the potential for vandalism and a huge electricity bill. Yeah, just call me Scrooge, bah humbug!!
It does give me a quiet house and uninterrupted "me" time!! I've just finished organising my photos and I'm thinking of going to bed. I'm stuffed! Four hours sleep will do that to you!!

On the diet and exercise front, I really need to look at what I am doing to myself at the moment. I am not looking after myself at all. I am shovelling whatever crap I put my hands on into my mouth and not even thinking about it. I am feeling rather shite for it too. the odd thought of "I'll get back into it after Christmas" comes into my head. I occasionally think about emailing Jarrod, the guy who set up my new eating and exercise plan for me, but then I chicken out. I have to explain why I'm not doing what I need to do. Why I've lost focus and heart. I guess if I have to explain it to him, I will explain it to myself too. Denial is so much easier to deal with. Unfortunately that's what increased the size of the mess I got myself into physically.
I don't get how I can hate myself so much that I don't care how I treat myself.
My counsellor has told me to fight the negative voices. Fight the self criticism.
Like now, when I look at my stomach and cannot imagine it not being there. Right now I cannot see myself ever reaching goal. If I keep eating the way I am, I wont get there.
I do want to change. It just feels really hard right now.
It's weigh in tomorrow. I'm guessing I'll be back to where I was 4 weeks ago. I did well the first two weeks, then self combusted.

I am on holidays now. I need to start making plans on how I'm going to change things. Again.

Back to the drawing board. And an email to Jarrod tomorrow. Things have to change.

My first change is getting a good night's sleep.

Night,
Ness.