Have I turned a corner?? Maybe!

Ok, so it's only taken 4 posts for me to miss one. Oh well, it's Christmas time and I'm trying to get everything done and deal with exhausted children!!

Right now (5:30 on Tuesday evening) both of them are asleep. We haven't really stopped the last few days, the late nights have finally caught up with them!! It's going to make it hard to get them to bed tonight, but at least they are sleeping!!
It's not silent in here, dstepd is singing to herself in the loungeroom.

I haven't emailed Jarrod yet. I know I'm slack, but I'm being honest in here, it might remind me to do it. I'll be home tomorrow, so I don't have an excuse.

We had my friend's funeral today. It was nice, but they didn't talk about her life. They were going to have people come up and talk about her, but the celebrant waffled so much that there was only enough time for 2, and one of them was dstepd who started crying and talking about the cafe they would go to and my friend and her best friend would smoke and borrow lighters.
So, not much about her life, really.
It's sad to learn about someone's life once they die, but I like to hear about their path. Their achievements, their passions. I admit, my friend's passion was her children. I knew that, but I didn't really know much about before I met her. Oh, well.
I tell you what, the best thing was that the guests brought flowers to put on her coffin, instead of having a big sheath. It was absolutely gorgeous. I cried, Each flower, or bunch of flowers, was put there by someone who loved her. (She was also known for pinching cuttings from other people's gardens, so it seemed very appropriate!) The coffin and the shelf around it were covered with flowers.
I must admit I feel the same sense of love and sadness on rememberence day , when I see the flowers left at the cenotaph. I think about how each wreath represents a fallen soldier and the family left behind.
I'm getting sensitive in my old age.

I've been self destructing the last week or so (some would say several months). I bought a packet of smokes on Friday night. I do that when I'm stressed. But it's only one packet of 20s and then that's it, well til the next big stress.
It doesn't help my weightloss, though.

One of the people I saw after the funeral noticed my weightloss. Now, while they were quite impressed at my loss (I got called a "bitch", which to me is a compliment :-) ) I was still a little disappointed that I could only say that I've lost 20kg. Now, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of that 20kgs. I worked hard to lose that weight. But that number has hovered for over 6 months and I'm tired of it.
So 2009 that number is going to move. I am going to plan and work to get back on the wagon, horse, track, whatever it is that gets those numbers moving again. I will not be saying "20kgs" in six months time.

Now, the slight hurdle in this is that I can't see myself smaller than this. I admit, I couldn't see myself at this weight when I started. I just blindly started and did the work.

I typed that and I could hear my own advice flooding in "Break it down to 5kg lots", "don't stress about the scales", "blindly starting again isn't a bad thing".

I want this. I want to be able to say "I've lost 40kg." The goal for 2009 is small, but I am going to lose another 20kg.

I can do this. I will do this. I will fake it til I make it, but I will make it!!

Edit:- I forgot to mention weigh in. I actually forgot yesterday morning. I had breakfast and then remembered. Oops!! So I got on the scales this morning. I'm back up to 129.1kg. I have basically undone all the good work I did for the 2 weeks at the end of October/start of November.
But it just means I have to redo it! If that has to be done 20 times, I will get there.