Every time I come on here, I go "wow, it's been ages since I've been on here!!" Tonight is no different.
I read my last post, in June. I wasn't at the other end of my troubles. The doctors would have me nil by mouth which, of course, would reduce the amount leaking out of my stomach. I would go home and end up back in again when I started putting my stomach under any strain. It didn't take much. When water was pouring out of the drainage tube hole, then diet coke, then the blue dye they made me drink to test it, they finally glued the hole up.
But I'm still leaking. Just a little, but I'm back in for a day procedure in a couple of weeks. More glue.
I have lost 42kg now. the procedure has done it's job. I am eating less and losing weight.
My head hasn't caught up with the scales. I've started going clothes shopping. My body apparently is a size 20 now. My head still thinks my body is a size 24. I still have to stop myself from thinking "I can't get that, what if I gain weight and can't wear it? I have to remind myself to get a smaller size if I want to put it away for a while, not a bigger one. It's such a weird feeling.
Even wearing the clothes that I have bought feels weird. I have been wearing my size 24-26 clothes even now, so to wear that size 20, I think "is it too small" and have the feelings that I had when I would wear clothes that I had grown out of because I'd put on weight, but had to wear cos nothing else fit. I guess I fear I am going too small too quickly with my clothes. But I can't get a bigger size, cos it wont last.
I have never really felt comfortable in clothes, never know what looks good. But I can't be naked, cos I'd get arrested. Not to mention making people around me feel physically ill.
So much fodder for my next counselling session!!!
Til next time,