I just read Kylie's comment from my last entry. Thank you. I just never feel that way. I alway analyse what I say or do after the fact. Beat myself up. I try not to. I work on talking myself out of it, but when I get tired, it takes a lot to talk myself around. I've never been good enough, in my own eyes. I'm supposed to say the right thing all the time.

Last night I went and saw Twilight and New Moon, both for the first time. I read the series earlier this year and enjoyed them. I have a friend who is a middle of the road Twilight fanatic, has watched the DVD heaps. She invited me with a group of her friends to come and see New Moon at Midnight on the day of release!! How cool it was!! The cinema was packed. Everyone laughed and cheered and sighed when their man came on the screen. (For any non twilight fans, it's Edward the vampire or Jacob the Werewolf)
We had a really good night.

Done nothing today, it's too hot. Ken let me sleep in this morning, so my laziness has just spread through the day.

Maybe something more interesting will happen tomorrow.

Ness.

I need some sleep. Mountains out of molehills again!!

I'm a mess. I just can't help myself. I go out for dinner with friends, then I come home and beat myself up because I don't say the right thing, or I don't keep my mouth shut enough.

Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just be happy with me? One of my friends is absolutely gorgeous. She's had 4 kids and is beautiful. I could only wish to be as beautiful as her. Yet, she comments that her thighs are too big and her belly is ruined from having twins. It's sad. I told her I'd swap in a heartbeat. Somehow she's not taking me up on it.

I guess we all have our issues. Mine are always social. I wasn't even going to go tonight. No clothes to wear, tired. Knew I'd stuff up somewhere. It's never end of the world stuff, but once I get really tired, like the end of the night, it's pretty close to it.

How's this, the waitress had to check whether I was a guy or a girl. Gee, way to make me feel good!! :( Admittedly I was behind someone else from her view, but still, sheesh!!

tired rantings now. It's bedtime.

Til next time,
Ness.

Wow, it did take me a long time to get back here. I'll have to work on that.

Well, I'm here now.

I was talking to a friend this morning. He's on a dating site. He was supposed to meet a girl for coffee yesterday, but stood her up. I started getting upset, I was thinking this poor woman put herself out there and took a chance and he didn't show up. I told him it was a crap thing to do.

I wouldn't answer his phone call because I just didn't want to listen to his excuses. It was almost as if he'd stood me up.

I went and had a shower to remove myself from the situation. While I was washing the walls ( a rare event, but hey, it's gotta be done sometime!!) I realised that I put myself in other's shoes a bit too much.

I get upset easily, I get passionate easily, whether it's about the latest people smuggling or the fact that the finale of All Saints sucked big time.

This challenge is going to be hard, but it's time for me to stop trying to change the world outside of me, but to change only what I can right now, the things that are in my control.

The housework, the kids (well, they're mostly in my control... sometimes!! :-) ) Eating, exercising. these are in my control.

Global warming, people smuggling, whether my friend turns up for coffee, not in my control.

It's going to take some time for this to sink in. I'm still going to get upset about crap at times, but I've got to start somewhere.

The first thing I'm going to do is allot a day of the week to each section of the house.

Sunday, My room and ensuite
Monday, Loungeroom
Tuesday, Girls' room
Wednesday Laundry and Kitchen
Thursday Bathroom and Toilet
Friday, Dining room

Now, I'm not saying that every other day of the week these rooms get ignored, but for that day, the focus is on that room. Even if it's for 30 minutes, it's 1/2 an hour more than it was getting and that's got to be an improvement.

Thanks to FLYlady, some things are sinking in. :-)

Til next time,
Ness.

Nothing to really say, just felt that 4 months was way too long between posts.

It's 1/4 past 11, so I really need to sleep, but I'll think of something really profound for tomorrow.

Ness.

I have just had one of the lovliest weekends I've had for a long time. 4yo and I flew to Adelaide to meet up with the lovely Kylie and her beautiful husband Ross. We went to the Adelaide Zoo on Saturday afternoon, there is a lot of work going on there at the moment. It is going to be absolutely amazing when it's finished. Some of the animals had been moved to other zoos while this is going on, but there was still heaps to see.

These giraffes came right up to us, giving me a great photo opportunity!! Little did I know, they had seen some keepers with food right behind me!!



This is Bonnie the horse. We found her just as we were about to leave. Trying to get 4yo off it was fun. She wanted to take it home!!

On Sunday Kylie had a "biggest morning tea" for cancer research. It was a lovely group of ladies and Kylie ran a fantastic morning, with lots of games.

4yo helped Kylie wrap the "castle to castle" on Saturday night and was so excited to play it, it was all we heard about!

We made hats out of a sheet of newspaper, two pieces of paper and a roll of sticky tape. This was the one 4yo helped make.

We had to wear hats. This one said "pink angel" on the front. Ken didn't think this one was really me. :-(


I've included the following photo, only cos I would hate to think I don't follow through on threats!! :-)

Nice photo, hey?? Kylie is just so photogenic!! :-P We had such a lovely day. But I must admit, I was exhausted when I got home. 4yo is the most gorgeous, loving child, but oh, boy, she doesn't stop!! Talking, running or thinking!! I was drained, but it was so worth it!! Kylie and Ross are just so nice, we talked and talked all weekend.

There are rumours that I may go back to Adelaide again. Hmmm... I'll never say never! :-)

Til next time,

Ness.

querulous:- 1. Apt to find fault; habitually complaining. 2. Expressing complaint; fretful; whining.

Oh Boy, it's been quite a while, hasn't it? I am not one to keep more than one blog at a time, I decided to write in my calorie King blog for a while, lot of good that's done me, I've put on so much weight this year. Bad, bad eating and less and less exercise. I know that's the wrong way around, but I am so run down, I'm just not dealing with that at the moment.

Anyway, I decided to write in here, cos I need to record exactly what I've done today and help me see why I am so exhausted tonight.

Alarm at 6:30, 20 minutes of trying to ignore the fact my husband hit the snooze button 3 times.

6:50- Shower, kids breakfast ready. Wake kids up (I hate waking my girls up. It's cruel!! And it sucks because while they are asleep, I should be asleep too!! :-( )

7:50 madly get kids dressed because they dawdled eating breakfast.

8:10 in the car off to the Dentist.

8:30 waiting for dentist.

8:40 the little ones and I get seen. Dentist is really happy with the girls teeth, and mine. I get inflicted with a teeth clean (hate them, have really, really sensitive teeth.)

9:20 Leave Ken and DstepD to their visit and head off to DstepD's scout troop to do treasurer work.

9:45- arrive sooner than I expected and have to keep little ones entertained while waiting for everyone else.

10:30- Head back towards home to take 2yo swimming.

10:50- Meet Ken in car park where he's dropping DstepD off to meet the bus for a movie day. Swap 4yo for swimming bag and take 2yo to her lesson.

11:30 hop into kiddie pool with 2yo and 4yo for a play.

11:45- convince them to get out and get dressed so we can get some lunch.

12:15- Head home, pick up shopping list and head into Cranbourne.

12:30 Meet Ken in the food court. Meet up with a playgroup friend too.

1:15pm-4pm go to the supermarket, drop shopping home, then onto the fresh food market.

4:15 get everything home and put away. Decide Ken is picking DstepD up from the bus "because I said so". Plop in front of the computer to have a break. 4yo constantly reminds me that she needs "banana chocolate chip cookie muffins" for playgroup tomorrow. I decide I am too tired to make them and make dinner. I tell her that I'll make them after she goes to bed. She's ok with that.

5:15 make dinner, the weekend is the two days of the week that the girls will eat all their tea, because they can have icecream afterwards.

6pm start cleaning kitchen. Wash dishes. 4yo helps me dry them and put them away. So cute. She was a fantastic help.

7:15pm get girls ready for bed. teeth, story, over tired crying, refusal to lie down in bed. I kiss them, say goodnight and leave them to it.

8pm make banana choc chip muffins. Disappointed, because they aren't as nice as we normally make. 4yo obviously has that special touch.

9:30 Sit in front of computer writing blog seeing that it was an amazing day that has exhausted me and I need to go to bed!!

My days vary, this one was a doozy! I hope everyone sleeps in tomorrow!!

We made the finals for both my netball teams, Tuesday and Thursday. We lost the finals. I feel like shit. It was my fault. I didn't get all the goals in. Today I lost it and even had words with the umpire, which is so not like me, I really have to be riled to argue a point. The GD had my number and managed to pull calls against me. last week was fun, this week was serious. I didn't have it in me. I feel like I let the whole team down. If we had a spare player, I would have walked off and gone home. It was horrid. If I had have just settled down and played, we might have won. Thank God we are now on break and we wont be back until after the school holidays, because if I had to play next week, I probably would have quit for the sake of the teams.
I am so tired now. I hate that I didn't play my best game. I hate that I let that stupid bitch get to me. God, I hope they go up next season. They probably wont, but I can dream.

I ate a chocolate bar after the game. It's a bad habit that I have to avoid getting into.
When I bought it, I was upset after the game and I just didn't care. I guess it was Amy making the decision and I couldn't be bothered trying to do the right thing. Not that there are any healthy choices at that canteen.

I am just drained.

After the game I went and bought my neighbour a present and card, then I had to go hunting for apple cakes to put a candle in so we could sing happy birthday. She loves apple cakes, so I thought it most appropriate. I bought her a writing set, she writes letters to her sister and 4yo has started writing letters to her too. It's very cute.

I now have no plans for the rest of the day, but to veg. I don't even want to make dinner. I just want to go to bed.

I actually filled in my food diary last night. I needed to face what I am doing to myself. I went to bed last night telling myself what a horrible person I am. I woke up this morning and remembered another 2000 calories that I had forgotten to put in yesterday.
It was a bad day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just ate, and ate, and ate. Amy wanted cheese spread on toast last night. I'd let Amy buy the cheese spread, even though it is on my banned foods list. I hadn't had it for so long.
There is a reason I don't have it in the house. I eat it like it's going out of fashion.

It might have been a reaction to the solidifying of my gains of last week. I thought maybe I'd lose some of the weight I put on last week. But it stayed, along with another 100g gain.
I know, not the way to deal with weight gain. I've not been looking after myself. I just haven't cared. As my blogs have shown. All the "goals for today" that don't get another mention because I "forget" or I give up by the afternoon, and trying to wake up to myself. I have let the wheels fall off and I feel like I'm treading water.

I have started today with my cup of oats. I tend to get so busy with the girls in the morning that I forget to have breakfast, only to come home later and eat the contents of the kitchen. So today, I have fed myself before running around like a mad thing.
I have 1/2 hour to get 4yo to kinder!! And we're all sitting here in our Pyjamas!! Um, gotta go!!

Yadda Yadda Yadda!!

We had a bit of a panic. Thought the dishwasher was stuffed, but it dried out and is fine now, thank God!! I handwashed everything for the last two days, then today Ken loaded the dishwasher, so it's getting there. I did a load of washing yesterday and today. I tidied up most of the loungeroom today. I didn't time it, but I know it was longer than 15 minutes. I was stuffed!! I have a headache for the 3rd day in a row. I'm almost certain it's from sitting at the computer.

I don't have netball tomorrow. I am going to the specialist with Ken. Hopefully we'll get some answers. He's not deciding about leaving work until he hears from her.

Our plans for going to Bathurst for the 1000 is coming together. If Ken's mate could make up his mind, it would make planning so much easier!!

I got a text message from the masseuse I've been to a couple of times, offering 1/2 price massage on a Monday! I think I'll take her up on that!! :-) Especially while Ken's still home!

TMI Warning!! TTOTM talk!

I'm feeling better. Turns out my problems, well at least for last week, was PMS. I haven't had official PMS for over a year, with the implanon being in, (Ken would just say I'm a bitch all the time!!) so I didn't know when my hormones would be getting back to normal.
It's funny, but I feel so much better now!! Normally TTOTM is a horrible time, where every woman is miserable on some level, from a slight bloating to incredible, go to bed with some nurofen pain. I admit, I was in pain the first couple of days, but I feel human again!! I should have been happy that I didn't have to go through TTOTM, but it's part of life. The hormones I put in my body made me feel different. I'm not exactly sure how, but they did. I needed them out, not just so we can try for another child, but so I could feel healthy again.
I put the implanon in and went onto anti depressants for my fibromyalgia all at the same time. I needed a break from trying for another child and was struggling with the aches and pains fibro gives me. So I changed a lot of things in a short period of time. It was around then that I lost interest in losing weight. I lost interest in sex (which isn't like me at all!! ;-) ) and haven't been quite right since.
I feel glimmers of wanting to get focused on losing weight again. The fact that I can't fit into my netball skirt is starting to get to me. Especially when I know I would have fitted into it last year!I've hung it up in my bedroom so I can see it.

... I just weighed in. I've gained again. It's not good. I don't want to do an unsustainable big sweeping change that might only last a day or too. But I need to be more aware of what I am doing and the choices I am making. Am I using Ken as an excuse to not exercise?? Maybe. He took both of them out yesterday. I could have gone out then, a walk, a ride. I need to look at things again. Go back to making my small changes. Stop kidding myself that I'll get back to it "soon", "eventually", "in a week or two".

...I'll be honest, going back to square one, back to making small changes, feels like I've failed. I know not doing anything is denial, but while I'm doing what I am doing now, I can kid myself that I am "maintaining", that it's ok, cos I've lost 20 kilos! Well, the scales aren't at a 20 kilo loss. I am not maintaining. I am back to where I was before. The scales may not say it yet, but they are definitely trending upwards. My behaviours are pre CK. The food is not the best choices I can make. I am back to trying for a day, 1/2 a day, then not thinking too much about what goes into my mouth. I will break through all this.

OMG!! I just realised that while I was focusing on Amy, I'd forgotten about the inner voice! The one that destructs everything. As I was typing the previous paragraph, I was thinking "yeah, you start out wanting to do it, but you always stuff it up. You forget and go back to the old ways" "You wont fit into that skirt. You stuffed up and now it's too late".
It's going to take time for me to reverse all that negative talk. It's all about caring about myself. I haven't been doing too much of that lately.

As for the housework. I was slack on the washing for about 3 days, but I did 3 loads yesterday to make up for it (4yo had run out of knickers too, so I had to catch up.) Ken's been helping with the dishes, so the dishwasher has been on every day.
And I found my dining table yesterday!! Woohoo!! There is always way too much crap sitting on there. I also sorted out my scrapbooking stuff that I had bought a the end of December and has been sitting in the dining room ever since! A bit of tidying in the loungeroom too. So there is some movement on that front.

Time to give myself a foot up the arse!!

Feel like shit. Everytime I eat something I end up with Abdo pain. Went to GP, she says it's because my bowel needs to detox and I just need to eat healthy again. So I will do that, I will get through the pains and hopefully feel a lot better soon. Mind you, my GP is on a raw food diet. She had the same complaints that I went to her with. I am NOT going on a raw food diet!!

Took Ken to the doctor this morning too. He's on new medications, hopefully he'll start improving. He's taken 4 weeks off work. I don't know if I'm going to survive it, but it should help him. I just fear that he'll take that time off, feel better, then go back to work and be back to square one!!

I didn't get any housework done today. I am just drained. I'm going to bed and it's only ten to nine!!

I got a load of dishes done today and a load of washing. I spent about an hour trying to declutter my computer desk. It's looking a little better. Got rid of some rubbish. Paid some bills. How depressing to spend about $1000 and only have a few receipt numbers to show for it? No clothes, nothing new, well except for my new, ugly brown registration sticker!

I got a text message warning of extreme weather conditions tomorrow. I know it's going to be a total fire ban, but I really feel like it's a bit of overkill. It's so dry around here, so I know we're at risk, but the black Saturday fires has really shaken everyone up. People are keeping their kids home from school. It's going to be in the 30s and really windy. I have to decide if I'm sending 4yo to kinder. I will be. I might stay with her. I was supposed to do kinder duty last week, but with being sick, and having no car, I decided not to. They said I was welcome to stay any time. At least we'd all be together if something happened.
I don't want to think the worst, but after we had a fire on the highway at the end of our street, it's kinda shaken me a little.
I've backed up my computer files, so if I have to flee, I can just grab my external harddrive.
I still haven't put all the photos together. I think that's due to a bit of denial and the thought that it's such a big job.
Ken came home in pain. He got himself stuck on the front doorstep tonight, he couldn't get up. He wont be at work tomorrow. But as he is in so much pain, I'll probably be looking after him. I wont get any help with the girls. Selfish thought, but I am finding it so hard to do it all on my own. even the little things he does around the house are a help. loading the dishwasher, or even watching the girls if I need to go out. I was going to go boxing for the first time tonight, but there was no way he was going to be able to get the girls to bed. I have decided to cancel my gym memberships, just for a few months. It's pointless paying money when I can't get there. If Ken's having a good day and I can go out, I can pay casually at either gym. Once he's back on track and I've got my mojo back, I can join again.

It's 10:20pm, past my bedtime.

Ok, day one, so far. It's 5:20pm and I've hung one load of washing out and put another one on. I also put the dishwasher on, but had to rewash the dishes because an egg shell blocked the drain and everything was still dirty.

I haven't done my 15 minutes yet. I plan to do that when the kids go to sleep. Although 2yo is having a late nap and may not go to sleep til late tonight.
It was so cute, we were lying on my bed watching TV. One seconds she was looking at me with her gorgeous hazel colored eyes, the next she was asleep!! I don't have the heart to wake her.

So I'm 2/3rds of the way there and on track to get the next job done! I'm even making dinner right now!

8:39pm. Oops, I forgot to publish post!! I still haven't done my 15 minutes. I've been feeling sick all afternoon. Back to having the runs again. I am so over this.
I was right, 2yo is keeping 4yo awake.
I will set the timer now. I think it's time to attack the dining table. I might be able to sort my scrapbooking out then.

This is really long... and appears to be the first and second signs of insanity!!

Ok, time to analyse myself.

what is stopping me from doing what I need to do to lose weight?

Ok, I can't be bothered.

But can't be bothered doing what?

What I am supposed to do. Giving a damn about what I'm eating. Getting up and exercising. It's far easier to eat cookies than count calories.

Ok. what are you going to do when those calories push the scales up?

Ummm... Beat myself up for not doing the right thing and go eat more cookies.

Riiiiigggghhhhttt, cos that's a totally logical thing to do!

Yeah, your point?

How about breaking the cycle??

It sounds too much like hard work.

What exactly is too much hard work?

Ok, I have to make sure I have healthy food in the house. And that there are no binge foods. Chocolate, biscuits, cake, icecream. Cheese.
I have to make sure my clothes are clean so I can go to the gym to workout or get to a class.
I also have to get my head in a place that even a weak excuse doesn't keep me home.
I have to be organised so I can make dinner in time, instead of waiting until it's too late and then making a sandwich, or whatever other rubbish is on hand and easy to make.
I have to stop adding cordial to my water.
The hardest work is trying to convince myself that I want this badly enough. Right now I feel like I should wake up every day wanting this, but I don't. I have a list of reasons. I have a netball skirt sitting there that I can't wear yet, but I still don't get motivated to change. I still have 30 kilos to lose to get to my initial goal. Even breaking that down to a 5kg mini goal feels overwhelming.

So do you want to change things? Or are you happy the way things are?

I do need to change things. I need to stop my self destructive ways.

How do you feel you are being self destructive?

I'm smoking again.

Why do you think that is?

I bought a packet when I went to my stepfather's funeral. Normally I would just buy one packet and once they were finished that would be it, but I'm on my 4th packet now.

Why is this time different?

I just don't care. I feel like crap all the time. A smoke takes me out of the house for 5 minutes and gives me time alone.

Do you think there could be other ways to give yourself time out?

Of course.

How else do you feel you are being self destructive?

Food and exercise. Oh, and not drinking enough water, just generally not looking after myself. And consciously not looking after myself, almost deliberately. Like I'm not worth caring about.

Are you not worth caring about?

There are days where I don't feel like I am. They seem to be more often than not. I spend so much time running around for the girls, and for Ken, that my needs get pushed aside. sometimes it's a fair compromise, but some days I feel like I'm the one doing all the compromising. in the end, nobody is looking out for me.

So, what do you think you can do to turn things around?

I need to stop going around in circles for starters. I seem to beat myself up so often. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising enough, I'm not doing enough housework. I'm not working hard enough at my volunteer work. I'm not spending enough time with my girls. When I want things for me, I'm being selfish.

So, how can you change these things?

I have made attempts to change things. I create a new routine, and it works for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, but then I get lazy, or the old habits creep back in. maybe I need to create better triggers to remind me to do that housework, better planning so that I don't have to worry about whether I can be bothered cooking.
That is my downfall, continuing the planning. I often feel like "I did the planning last week, I shouldn't have to do it again."

But you do. History has shown you that. Pick one thing, what's your plan for next week?
A little voice in my head says it should be focusing on weightloss, but let's be honest, it aint gonna happen. A couple of hours of talking to myself has not created a miracle!!

So, housework. It's falling behind.

The dishwasher has to go on every day.
The washing machine has to go on every day.
I will also follow the Flylady principle that anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. Every day, 15 minutes of cleaning and/or decluttering. I have a timer, I can do it. I will do it.

The dishwasher and washing machine are on almost everyday anyway, but sometimes I forget, or get sidetracked, so I am going to focus on getting it all up to date.

How are you going to implement your plan?

Washing machine has to go on in the morning. cleaning will be done while 4yo is at kinder, or in the afternoons on the days she's home. Dishwasher will be emptied in the morning and refilled and switched on if full at lunchtime. (We have a dishdrawer and only one drawer works, so essentially we only have 1/2 a dishwasher!!)
I will set my alarm every day to remind me. My daily flylady emails help me too.
I just worry that Amy will try to buck the system.

In what way will Amy buck the system?

Oh, by deciding she can't be bothered doing it right now, she can do it later. Only later never comes and everything just gets messier and further behind. I'm raiding 4yo's kinder bag for her spare clothes because she's run out of underwear and tripping over toys because the loungeroom hasn't been tidied.

So what will you say to her when she tries it on?

Hmmm... what do you want to do instead?? Can you do it after I've got this job done?

Sounds like a good plan. Put it in action!!

It's the usual raging Friday night here. Ken's off at his boyfriend's house and I'm here with the girls. They are asleep, absolutely exhausted from the week. 4yo is tiring from the 4 hour kinder sessions. 2yo isn't coping too well either. She's pretty much given up on her afternoon naps. Mind you, when she does have the odd one, I can't get her to sleep before 9pm.

I'm still not feeling well, but at least the runs have stopped. I didn't play netball on Thursday. I've been having small naps in the afternoon, for what the girls will let me.

Playgroup went well today, not what we had planned, but the kids wouldn't know any different. I've got quite a good scam going. I read the kids a story and sing songs with them while all the other mums pack up!! :-) It's working really, really well. But I will have to ask if anyone else is interested in doing it, to at least keep up the appearance of fair play!! I love doing it, so I don't mind at all.

So much for my big plans to exercise 5 out of 7 days!! I have been unwell the last 4 Tuesdays, it's getting ridiculous!! I know, I know, get to a doctor. I'm almost certain that this one will be put down to a virus, so why waste the time and money?

My friends have been feeling unwell too. I have one friend who hasn't had a week this year where herself or at least one child hasn't been sick. I just hope things let up for her, some of her illnesses have been from being run down.

I'm feeling very tired now, so I think I'll head to bed. ken's come home, but he's out in the doghouse now, so I wont see him until he comes in for a coffee. Hopefully I'll be asleep by then.

This is my blog and I'll TMI if I want to!!

Ok, I made a big mistake on Monday night. I took laxatives. The bottle said take 1-2 tablets, so I stupidly took 2.

I was feeling really bloated and yuk on the weekend. I thought maybe I needed some help. Well, I certainly feel drained now!!

I didn't get to boxing on Monday night. I felt sick. Luckily Ken came home early from work and picked me up from the mechanic Monday morning, so we didn't have to go on an "adventure" of catching a bus, then a train, then either another bus or a cab to get home again. I didn't even get in the pool Monday morning and I love getting in the water.

I still played netball on Tuesday morning. I was hoping to only play part of a game, but one of the girls rolled her ankle so we didn't have any spare players left. I don't have any phone numbers, so I'll have to try and find out how she is.
I actually felt pretty good after the game. But I went back to "normal" in the afternoon.
Tuesday night I didn't get to Pump. I definitely wasn't getting in the water for aqua, how embarrassing would it be to have to get out of the pool to go to the toilet?

So far I am 1:4 for getting to classes. I hate feeling sick. This feels quite self inflicted.

My car is at the mechanics. It turns out I damaged something in the air flow system when it backfired. That explains it running like a bag of shit. An airconditioning hose split, that explains why the airconditioning stopped working. And they are replacing the passenger side door lock, cos a spring broke in it!! It's not going to be a cheap exercise. I am contemplating selling it. I have never had to spend so much money to keep a car running. It's ridiculous!! I don't care that the stupid thing is 24 years old and I only spent about $750 to buy it!!

Ok, I'll stop whingeing now, but I still think it's time to upgrade!! I have time, at least I should bloody well have time, This should be the last I have to spend on it for a while. I'm going to fish out my receipts to see how much this car has actually cost me!! Maybe not, it's too scary!!

Luckily one of my friends took 4yo to kinder for me this morning, and Ken's going to pick her up this afternoon. I hope I get my car back today, or I'm going to have fun getting 4yo to kinder tomorrow morning!! And don't ask about playgroup Friday, cos the other organiser is going to be late too!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

I just want to stop shitting through the eye of a needle!! My bum hurts!! :-(

Ok, I had a look at the new Gym timetables. It's time to get back into an exercise routine. I'm giving myself Wednesdays and Fridays off, So I'll have 5 days of exercise. It wont matter if life gets in the way and I miss one or two, as long as I get back into it asap.

Monday, boxing!! If I have a fundraising meeting, I'll just go early for a workout before the meeting. The other option is cycling. Yuk!

Tuesday, Netball, Pump and Aqua. I have some friends who are thinking of joining me for Aqua. That will be good if they do.

Wednesday, day off

Thursday, netball and maybe aqua??

Friday, day off

Saturday. alternate weeks, THT. scary thought!! The weeks we have dstepd, I might just do a workout first thing.

Sunday morning , workout

It's a lot, and I may burn myself out, but I have been getting so lazy. My weight is creeping up slowly, I'm not feeling as fit as I was. I'm going to feel it on Tuesday, then I'll feel it on Wednesday!! But I need to fit into my netball skirt again. That really pisses me off that I have let myself go backwards like that.

Food will need to be looked at. I can't do all this exercise without getting proper nutrition. I think I might mix what the trainer suggested to what I was doing before. I can't live on green veggies. It's just not sustainable. Not that he said this was for the long term, but I need to get into a routine and not have to change things too drastically or, like I have been the last couple of attempts, I'll throw in the towel after a week or so.

I'll be working on getting to bed at a decent hour again this week. I have only achieved it once so far. What can I say, I love reading!! It's really hit me this weekend, though. I fell asleep yesterday and this afternoon. Not like me at all.

So, once again, I am going to get back on my Harley and follow the wagon. Wish me luck!!

Well, today was a better day than yesterday morning. My car started and didn't blow up, so that's always a good sign!

We had playgroup. We made biscuits. The mix was way too sticky, so the kids had to get heaps of extra flour into it. But it all worked out and all the kids got to cut out biscuits and then decorate them when they were cooked.

I got home to find Ken home. His back is getting worse. but not bad enough to miss out on his date night!!

Dstepd was home "sick" too. I didn't even ask her what was happening. I just couldn't be bothered. I knew she was awake, so if she wasn't going, I wasn't fighting her.
I thought I'd have a fight over her social group tonight, but if she's not well enough to go to her day program, she's not well enough to go out tonight. (Pity her father didn't have the same rules!!)

I thought having both of them home would be hell, but it wasn't . Dstepd stayed in bed all day (as per the rules of her being home sick. I make is as unappealing as possible to stay home, so in theory, she's really sick if she does.) Ken slept half the afternoon and then went out. It's now like a normal Friday night.

I'm going to turn the timezapper off now. I've discovered my hard drive on the DVD is full, so I'd better go and watch some shows to make room!!

I had the crappiest morning this morning.

4yo decided to not wake up until 10 past 8. Now I could have woken her, but every other flipping morning she wakes up around 7-7:30. the day I have to get her out the door by 8:25, she sleeps in!! It wasn't the end of the world, but I never seem to get her to kinder on time!!

So, she gets dropped off, an hour late. I need Gas for my car, plenty of time before netball. Leaving the servo, do I go left and get to netball really early, or do I go right and look for the jar I need for the Easter fundraiser for kinder? I go to turn right, but there is heaps of traffic. Ok, left. The car starts shuddering. Very weird. I lean forward to flick the car back onto petrol but before I get there, there is "BANG" under the bonnet. A very familiar sound to me. I've blown the air hose.

I roll to a stop and decide that we'll walk to netball and deal with the car later. It's off the road, it's safe. God knows how long the RACV would take.

Half way to the netball centre, I realise that I've left the netball bag at home, with the book with everyone's details, the spare tops and bibs!! AAAAHHHH!! How bad do I feel? The captain drove to my house especially to drop it off and I leave it behind!! And now I have no car to go home and get it!!

Ok, so I have to get everyone's court fees before the game. We borrow some bibs from the centre. It all worked out. And we won by 2 goals, so that was a bonus too!!

In all that, I was given the most wonderful support today. I had offers from people to take us home, one of the kinder mums plays in another team and came to offer to take us to pick up 4yo. I had already called another kinder mum up and asked for her help, but it was lovely to be offered.

I called RACV and 2yo and I walked back to the car and waited. She was really, really good. She did have a packet of smarties to keep her entertained for part of it, but still, she was fantastic.

While I was waiting a playgroup mum saw my car and called me to see if I was ok and if we needed any help. A lady who lived across the road from where I was parked offered her phone if we needed it. A guy pulled up and asked if we were ok.

The RACV guy arrived, used packing tape to hold my airhose together til I got home and made sure the car ran again. I headed straight home and stayed there all afternoon!

Despite the fact my car broke down AGAIN, this really made me feel that I live in a fantastic community. If someone needs help, there is always someone there.

I am truly blessed.

I had a headache this afternoon. What is it about Tuesdays?? Last week it was gastro, this week it's a headache. The Gods are conspiring to keep me away from Body Pump.



I am taking Julie's advice. It is now 9:38, so the computer is going off and I am going to bed.

I got distracted and didn't write as much as I planned today, but then I could spend another hour on this, so I'll try again tomorrow.

Well, it's Monday morning. Weigh in day. I don't know if I really want to know my weight this week. I have been eating whatever I can be bothered making. I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time I cooked vegetables. Or made a salad. Or even tried to make good choices.

It's affecting me. I feel like crap. I feel the way I did before I started losing weight. My back's hurting again. I'm tired and grumpy. I haven't been to the gym for weeks. I'm thinking it's time to drop one membership.

... I wrote that and then everything I wrote after that were excuses. Time, the kids, now I play netball twice a week. All just excuses. I have plenty of time, it's just coordinating it!

I need to sit down with the timetables and work out what I am going to do now. I haven't been for 3 weeks. It's time to go back to basics.

I feel like I constantly restart. I'm like a broken record.

I am eating crap. The voice that tells me what the good nutritious choices are is a teeny tiny voice drowned out by the tired "whatever, just eat something" voice that has dominated, whilst fighting with Amy who wants cake and whatever junk she sees. It's very busy in my head!!

And I'm staying up ridculously late. reading, watching TV. Once the girls are in bed and asleep, the time just flies and it's midnight before I know it!! Then one of the girls is awake at 7 and I'm off again.
I enjoy my few hours of silence. I can focus on what I'm doing without hearing "MUM!!" or having my arm wrenched out of it's socket because I have to come and look at it NOW!

It's not helping me lose weight, though. I tend to eat too much. I was going to call it mindless eating, occasionally it is, but more often than not it's Amy taking over, throwing a mini tantie saying "I want it now!!" I battle kids all day, then I have to battle myself??

I really need to get back to turning my computer off at 9:30.

It is now 3:40 in the afternoon. I hit the wall about now. Tired. This isn't an unusual thing, but I still have 4 hours of my parenting day to go, at least, until I go on call. I really need to shake myself up.

Why are things so different now than from 12 months ago? I was so excited, so eager to change. Now I'm back into that denial I was in before I started. My head is firmly in the sand. I can't believe I've let myself fall. And I'm just standing there watching as I struggle, unable to pull myself up again.

I know what I need to do, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Why can't I look after myself?

Exhausted. Just can't be bothered.

I got sick on Tuesday. Stupid leftovers. The salad didn't keep for 24 hours!!

I still had to take 4yo to kinder. She didn't get a cake for her birthday at kinder, I didn't think it appropriate to be handling food for other people. The last thing they need is the whole kinder home sick. But it was ok, cos another kid had their birthday too, and their mum was organised enough to bring muffins for the kids.

I didn't play netball on Tuesday. One of my dogs attacked the other one and I had to take him to the vet. He ended up having to have surgery to get his intestine put back where it was supposed to be. We now have to keep the dogs separate while he recouperates and we're looking to foster him out until my niece gets a place and can take him back. It's not fair that he be at risk. It's so frustrating, because apart they are gorgeous, loving, beautiful dogs, but together my girl could attack him for no reason. She is 10kg, he is 3kg, he doesn't stand a chance.
But he is recovering well and is running around with his little elizabethan collar on.

I got to netball on Thursday, wish I hadn't because we played the bitch from hell. The rest of the team is nice and great to play against, the curly haired woman (aka snow bunny) is just horrible.
She has this superior attitude and just whinges every chance she gets.
And they beat us, which you would think should make her happy. I don't think I've ever seen her smile.

Friday was playgroup. Just a small one, two of the mums called me to say the family was sick (my 2 other organisers). So I didn't set a lot up. The kids seemed to have a good time anyway. We've changed things slightly, so it feels like it goes a lot faster. I've broken the session up, they have freeplay, then we have songs and story while the mums pack up the toys. It's mainly to keep the kids safely out of the storeroom (they love to help! Grrrr... ) It's been 2 weeks and it seems to work really well. They are responding to it.
I got an email from the council to say one of the playgroups was collecting for the bushfire appeal. So I put the word out and got 3/4 of a carful of clothes and toys and sheets and blankets. I went to coles and bought other supplies that I thought a young mum would need, nappies, wipes, toiletries, toothbrushes (twice as much as I was going to spend, but this stuff is never cheap. I just wont tell Ken!!) and that filled the car.

I got all that dropped off, 2yo fell asleep in the car on the way there. We got home, I put 2yo to bed, then laid on the bed with 4yo and we both fell asleep. I only got 45 minutes before 2yo woke up, but it was still nice. 4yo slept for hours I had to wake her up to see her Aunty who came to see her for her birthday.

Today I went down to dstepd's scouts for a meeting. I am now the treasurer of our newly formed committee.

So that's Coordinator for scouts, fundraising committee for kinder and treasurer for scouts!! I think that will do!

I am hoping for an early night tonight. I get a day at home tomorrow!! Yay!! I don't even have to get dressed!! Woohoo!!

Hope everyone had a lovely Valentines day. I forgot until Ken sent me a text message.

I was talking to a lady who buys her husband flowers on Valentines day. I found it funny, cos he wont buy her flowers, so she buys them for him and then she gets the benefit of them too! Very clever!

Wow, what a weekend it's been. The hottest day on record on Saturday, it got to 47.9 degrees celcius at one point of Melbourne. My little part of the world was a little cooler it only got to 46 degrees. It's absolutely Crazy, cos on Sunday it only got to 20 degrees and we were actually getting cold in the backyard in the afternoon.

I had to go out in the heat. I saw my neighbour because she is 79 and I like to make sure she is ok and has everything she needs in the extremely hot weather. She mentioned there were fires, but she wasn't sure where. I later heard the radio and they said Warragul and Druin. Not near us, but only a couple of hours away. Then I heard 6 houses were lost in Narre Warren. That's a 10 minute drive away.
I get onto CK Sunday morning to find out one of my friends was hiding in a supermarket from the fires surrounded by people who didn't know where their family and friends were.
Whole towns have been wiped out by the fires.
I got a call from my neighbour. Her granddaughter's was one of the 6 houses in Narre Warren.
It's just so upsetting. I was in the heat on Saturday, praying for the firefighters. I saw 4 firetrucks going through my town, I heard another 2 in the distance. I didn't envy their job one bit. Someone described the wind as being like a fan forced oven. It was a very accurate description.
Watching the fires on TV, the flames zooming UP a hill, nobody would have had much of a chance to save anything.

I wanted to do something, wanted to help. I thought about buying a few things for my neighbour's granddaughter, but they have a fantastic support base and their family will help them out until their insurance comes through. (Plus I'm not too popular with the rest of the family, so I feel the sentiment would be wasted.) I did get my neighbour to get me all the photos she has of her great granddaughter and I copied them all so she can start her photo album again. All she took from her home was her wedding album. It's a small gesture, but it's something. I know I would be devastated to lose all my photos. They are irreplaceable.

I decided to donate the money I would have spent on those few things. Westpac bank had big signs saying "donate here". That made it easier.

I was also trying to get onto the red cross to donate blood. Their phonelines have crashed. They are taking messages at the moment. I think I'll just go down there. The worst they can do is give me an appointment time and I'll go back again. At least I'm doing something.

Over 118 people have died in these fires. Some of them have been deliberately lit. It's horrible, just horrible.

... I decided to go down to the Blood Bank in person. They referred everyone without an appointment back to the phone number I left a message on . They have no extra beds up, possibly some extra staff, but I haven't been in there on a Monday before. So many people want to help, but can't . I guess at least if we have to wait a week, it will stretch the supplies further. It's just so damn frustrating when there is so little we can do to help.

Ken wants to take a week off and go and help. I told him to find out who wants the help, like the salvos or the SES, then get in touch with them. If he just goes up there, he could just be in the way.

My little girl is 4 now. We had her party on Sunday. She had a fantastic time. She's oblivious to all the horrible things that have been happening. I am glad, my girls are so innocent. They don't need to know the realities yet. Plus they've kept my perspective. I have my family. I am so lucky.

In response to Julie's comment about our playgroup flyers. We've had one phone response and we had a mum and her son come along. So a slow start, but it's a response!!

What a day!!

Started with playgroup. I want this year to be the best playgroup we can make it.

I think it went well.

I got home in time to get changed. The babysitter arrived and I was off to my stepfather's funeral (with a stop at the chemist to get dstepd's meds sorted for her respite stay- stupid DHS regulations! )

I was rather stressed. My hand was shaking while I signed the condolence book. I saw Mum briefly before we went in. My sister and stepbrother were there too. I took this as my chance to make amends with her. Dstepd's friend's funeral in December made me realise that if something happened to my sister, I would regret never speaking to her again. There was only 4 months between the friend and my sister. It wasn't a rash decision. I had been thinking about it since then and was trying to get the courage up to write her a letter. I took my chance today.
I'm not saying we'll be best buds or anything, but being able to be a family again, be able to all get together in the same room without my other two sisters feeling like they are walking on eggshells, will be really good. It's been a lot of years since we have all been talking at the same time. Over 8 years.

I saw my Uncle (Mum's brother) and his wife and My Aunty (Dad's sister in law) as well as a few other people I hadn't seen for a while.

I also saw the golden haired step daughter in law! A brief hello before the service was all I had to suffer. I don't like her. I'm guessing as I have been an absent daughter for so long, she wouldn't like me too much either. Since her comment to me was something like "it's been a long time" Ummm... try "I haven't seen you since my mother's wedding 10 years ago!" There was never a lot of effort to try and get our families together, even when we were talking. But she was there for my mother and stepfather. She can have the job. I did it for 16 years after my Dad left, time for someone else to take over.
She might be a lovely person, but when all I got was her shoved down my throat on the few conversations I did have with my mother after she got married was how fantastic she was and how they were flipping houses and how lovely their son is (hello, how about your other 9 grandchildren, and 3 greatgrandchildren?) all the time telling me what a bitch her stepdaughter is (an old friend of mine, mind you), as well as the brief conversations I had with stepdaughter in law at Mum's hen's night. I don't want to really be associated with her. Besides, my Mum will love anyone who will do stuff for her, give her lots of attention and not expect anything in return. I hope she's not expecting my mum to call as often as my stepfather did, she'll be very disappointed.

Oh and my sister in law was there. OMFG, she will take any excuse to go to a funeral. She's my mother's AVON lady, FFS!! On a positive note, she might be too busy to go to 4yo's birthday party! Yay! :-p

I went home feeling very positive about the day, my stepfather had an amazing, full life and I don't think he would have passed away regretting a thing, well maybe accidently referring to my mother by his dead wife's name once early on in their relationship... oops! He had been sick for about 8 years, he and his family was blessed to have the time that he did. And I think they made the most of it.

Anyhoo, that's my ramblings for the day. Quite a positive one, even if it was a funeral.

Oh boy, I feel like crap.

I let Amy decide what to eat and didn't question it at all. It wasn't pretty.

I saw my counsellor today and worked through some issues. Well, one main issue. Do I go to this funeral or not?

I can see that if I don't go because my mother doesn't go to funerals, then how does that make me any better than her? It's just doing what she is doing.

My counsellor said if there is any doubt at all that I should go, because there is only one chance. I can't change my mind in a few weeks.

The only problem now is finding a babysitter for the girls. The funeral is in the early afternoon. I can't guarantee I can get back before School pickups. My whole support base is mums with school age kids!! The only other person is the girls' Nanna, but I couldn't expect her to watch them for more than an hour. She loves being with the girls, but she in her 70s and it would be too much for her...

...I called my niece. She has a friend who can watch the girls for me. A qualified childcare worker. So it looks like I'm going. I've not told Ken. I haven't really spoken to him about it, but as far as he knows, Amy has spoken. He's got date night, so he wont even be home.

My counsellor said that actually making the decision will lessen some of the stress, no matter which way it goes. I say that this stress wont be gone until Friday afternoon.

But right now, sleep calls me. I have a quiet morning tomorrow, no kinder in the morning! Yay!

I received a sad phone call tonight. My stepfather passed away. It's not sad for me, just sad when anyone dies. I hadn't seen him in probably 8 years.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Amy is just throwing a tanty!! I saw my mother on Christmas day for the first time in over 3 years. I wasn't planning on seeing her for another 3years. Amy isn't going to the funeral. My mother never went to my mother in laws, my father in laws, or two of her oldest friends funerals. She informed me of one of the friend's passing on Christmas Day, 3 weeks after the funeral! Then had the audacity to make a crack about nobody letting her know, she had to read it in the paper. I nearly bit my tongue off to not say "what's the fucking point? You wouldn't have gone anyway." She went to my uncle's funeral (I'm sure it was only because the chapel it was held in was new and she wanted to check it out) and to an afternoon tea wake for an "Aunty" (everyone was an Aunty or Uncle when I was a kid! the uncle was actually my Dad's brother, this one was a friend of the family). She only went to the afternoon tea to show off my stepfather to her friends. I got told about it after the fact, and we were still talking then!

My mother tried to make my stepfather my new Daddy, while at the same time dropping me like a hot potato. We only communicated when I rang her, then all I heard about was her stepdaughter in law. I stopped calling her. She never picked up the phone to see how I was. Too busy showing off the new husband.

The adult me feels that I should go to the funeral. Amy is far too hurt to face it.

What a shame, it will be on at the same time as our first week back to playgroup. I couldn't possibly miss playgroup.

Sorry Amy's dominating at the moment. I just had to get this all out.
It will never be said to the person who most needs to hear it.

They are deaf ears.

Ok, I started this plan on Sunday and I'm following Frank's recommendations. When I've logged my food it's come to around 1400 calories. With exercise I was lucky to break 1000. On this information I figure I don't have to worry about counting calories, because even in the fluctuations of chicken fillet size, or amount of veggies I eat, I'm not going to break 2000. If I have something that's not on the plan, it's not going to be the end of the world, as long as it's small and not all day.

I am really focusing on getting veggies and salad into lunch and dinner. The snacks still need work, particularly morning tea, but I'm not breaking out, so I'll get there.

It's been over 40 degrees here (over 110 farenheit) since Wednesday and even the start of the week was hot. I haven't done a skerrick of exercise Since Tuesday night when I went out for an hour and a half to deliver playgroup flyers. I'm not too stressed cos I walked for an hour on Monday morning, then rode for an hour in the evening. Tuesday morning I walked for an hour as well. I just happened to get most of my exercise in early in the week. Hopefully I can get to the gym on Sunday and that will give me 5 hours for the week.

I still have to finish delivering the flyers. Hopefully this heatwave will break soon and I can go out in the evening to get the last ones done. It's not time sensitive, but I just hate not being able to finish the job at the moment.

I was naughty last night, and I paid for it. I had chocolate pudding and icecream for dessert last night. It was rich and the serve was way too big. It made me sick later that night. I hate being sick. But it serves me right. My body is becoming a well oiled machine and it doesn't need that rubbish clogging the system!

It's still too hot. Yes, I've already said that, but when people on my facebook are complaining about the snow, I become a sook!!

I'm still at it. It's nice to not have to worry about how many calories are in things at the moment...

...I wrote that this morning and didn't get back to it.

Frank said "no dairy", "no wheat", amongst other things.

So what did I have today? A banana smoothie with fat reduced milk for afternoon tea (fortified with vanilla protein powder, it was very yummy. I can only imagine how good that would be with chocolate powder!)

And tuna, cheese and lettuce sandwiches for tea.
It's so hot here, I don't really care to eat too much and I couldn't be fagged cooking any vegetables.

It was 43 degrees today(110 degrees farenheit), tonight's low is going to be 30 degrees. It's not going to be a night for sleeping!

I had so much to say on this today, but it's now 9:30 at night and I've had this blog open all day, I'm tired, very hot and the kids are very quiet, so I must go see what they are up to!

Ok, it's been an interesting weekend for me. I pigged out so bad on Saturday night. I mean, really badly. Yet I still didn't feel really full. I had a slight uncomfortable feeling, but not the whole "oh my God, what have I done?" I decided to write down my feelings. I was eating because I saw my Mother on Christmas day. My logical mind was over it, but that little girl who only wants Mummy's approval was obviously still hurting. I'd gone back to old habits, in a big way. slices and slices of toast. Whatever I could put my hands on. I didn't care, it was food.

I had a chat to myself and realised that she was no excuse for doing this and the only person who is going to stop me from self destructing is me. I have no guardian angel to pick me up when I fall, well not in the human world , anyway. I had withdrawn from my support network on CK, I wasn't logging my food, so I was back in denial.

It was the first time writing things down changed me, other than calming me down when I was spitting acid!

I'm talking about my perception changing. Being able to change things. Change the way I look at things. I sat down and started planning my food for Sunday and Monday. I didn't count the calories, well when it's white meat and Green Veg, I don't think it's worth worrying about!

I got up Sunday morning and had my porridge. Ate an apple on the way to the gym, a banana afterwards (no extra protein as I didn't have my powder yet.)

Lunch was tuna salad, forgot the brown rice until I was driving home in the afternoon. I thought something was missing!

I felt hungry all day, but I tend to do that on the first day. I didn't eat completely properly, but even if I did, I probably would have still felt hungry as I'm sure it's my stomach shrinking back to where it's supposed to be. It gets easier.

I've also decided that I am no longer hopping on and off the bandwagon.

I will do this journey on a Harley Fatboy!

Today was much better. I bought the protein powder last night. It tastes really nice, although I've only had it as a banana smoothie.

I guess I thought it would be this miracle stuff that would make me feel full. It didn't. I'm not quite sure if it's really the stuff for me. I'll keep going for now, cos I need to follow a plan. I am so impressed with the last two days. Although, I must say, it got to tea time tonight and I could not be fagged stirfrying veggies like I had planned. So I cooked a packet of frozen Veg in the microwave. I had veggies that weren't green... It was still like only 100 calories. I'm not quite sure what the whole "green veg" thing is. I'll be back onto it tomorrow. It's been a long day today.

I had to go out and get some photocopying done. I came home, cut those 300 odd pages in half, then dstepd and I went out for an hour walking to deliver some of them. I realised this is too difficult a job on foot, as the suburb we are delivering to has very large blocks, we're talking acreage! So I went out tonight for another hour on the bike to deliver more.

That was after taking the girls to Australia Day celebrations, which were absolutely fantastic! Jumping castles, facepainting, gingerbread Australia painting, Bands and dancers, painting, mini golf, a petting zoo and a puppet show ALL FREE!! They were raising funds for a local hospital, but we didn't have to spend a cent, unless we wanted sausages or softdrink, but even when we went to buy the sausages, they gave us 2 sausages per slice of bread for $2! Crazy!

The girls enjoying the puppet show! There was lots of singing and dancing and the girls learned a little about this guy called "Jesus" and a book called "The Bible". Or it went over their heads and were just fun stories and songs!

So now I sit here with sore legs and the promise of having to deliver more flyers tomorrow. I think a good night's sleep is in order!

Right now I'm feeling really good about losing weight, really positive.

It's Friday, and once again another week has zoomed by and I have done nothing to change my eating. I don't know exactly what I need to foot myself up the bum and get moving. Does there need to be a huge catalyst, some horrible event that makes me see the light?

Yes, this has been going on for months. Yes, I am repeating myself constantly.

I was given an eating plan from my trainer. Well, he runs the gym and updated my fitness program, so gave me an eating plan to kickstart everything.

Breakfast- porridge 1 cup

3 hours later, protein shake and 1-2 pieces of fruit.

Lunch 1 cup of brown or basmatti rice with 100-180g chicken or tuna, or palm sized red meat. Any green fiberous (?) veggie.

3 hours later protein shake.

Dinner- as lunch, but no rice.

Shake after tea, with warm water (Ewwww!)

One free meal a week,
No sugar
NoFat
No Wheat
No Dairy
No Alcohol
No Salt

Apparently no life for a couple of weeks!

This isn't a long term plan, it's once again to get things kickstarted. It's a plan he gave a bodybuilder!! It doesn't look too bad, but not much variety, so I couldn't do it for too long.
Now, I am going to make a list of Green vegies, cos I'm imagining a plate silverbeet and spinach and that's not appealing for every meal!

So, I will google and get my CK friends to help me!


Green Vegetables!

Bok Choy
Choy Sum
Beans
Asparagus
Capsicum
Snow peas
Broccoli
Artichoke
Brussel Sprout
Cabbage
Choko
Zucchini
Celery (vomit!! I can only eat it cooked!)

That's just google. Wikipedia is a great tool. There were a lot of names I had never seen before, so the chances of me actually finding them are slim. It at least gives me something to go on. I'm not sure how many of them are "fibrous". I'm assuming all vegetables have an amount of fibre in them. Really, eating any of them would have to be beneficial!

Well, I've missed my morning snack and am feeling rather famished. I really have to work on morning tea. I try to plan everything for the mornings and it's 11:00 before I know it.
Off to forage through the kitchen!

I had a huge blog typed up yesterday, but one of the girls apparently turned my computer off when I was at Aqua last night.

It's probably just as well. I was all worked up about the meeting I went to on Monday night. It was the administrative committee for the kindergarten. I realised at that meeting that I had made a mistake joining it. I was pretty worked up about it, more so because I didn't know if I had overstepped boundaries and asked too many questions. I wanted to make an informed decision about what was being proposed. If I have to ask that many questions every time we have to vote on something, it will just do my head in, plus make for very long meetings! I would not be a popular person. I've got 3 more years at this place.

I had a chat to another new member, who informed me I had asked all the right questions, and an associate of some of the existing members, who told me of some comments made about me, by the new president. I'm still trying to work out how I am going to make it an "interesting" year in the fundraising committee. Am I doing something that I am completely oblivious to? Am I really that annoying? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, I might not like the answer!!
I decided I am resigning from the administrative committee. I made that decision yesterday and I feel like a huge weight has lifted from me. Today I still feel good about that decision, so I know it's right. I'll be writing the letter in the next few days.

I'm still going to be on the fundraising committee and I have playgroup to coordinate, so it's not like I'll be on the couch eating bon bons (I love that image, but can we even get "bon bons" in Australia? Isn't that what we call Christmas Crackers? But I digress...)
I am so excited about playgroup this year! I have ideas and plans and thoughts and I really want to build the group up. I love everyone in the group, but we shrank last year and will again this year, (kids grow up and go off to school :-( ) unless we really get moving and promote ourselves.


I went to Aqua last night, I didn't get to Pump. I deliberately distracted myself with designing the playgroup flyers and when it got to 6:55 and Ididn't even have my runners on, let alone my bathers ready... Oops, I missed it tonight! I'll just go to Aqua. So lazy, but at least I got to one of my classes! I'm really happy with the flyers, though. :-)

Today I took the girls to get their hair cut. I took my neighbour with me too so she could go to the bank and pick up a few things. The girls love her so much, and she loves them too. She's their Nanna. And it makes her daughter and granddaughter sooooooo jealous! I really shouldn't be happy at their misery, but they use her and don't even check to see if she needs anything when they go shopping, let alone taking her with them. It's sad, they live across the road from her, yet can't even get the lawns mowed for her.

Ok, enough bitching.

I went to the gym on Monday and got a new workout routine. I just need to get there to do it. 3yo starts back at kinder next week, so I'll be able to get into a routine very soon.

And I need to eat properly. I'm still letting Amy win. My trainer at the gym has given me an eating plan to get me kick started. Now I just have to kick start myself and get moving.

Today we went to the RACV's Great Australian Car Rally. Quite an ironic name, since it's run by a British car club and there are very few Australian cars there, but I digress.
I'll be honest, it was too big. I saw about 1% of the cars, I think, and that was enough for me.

I was going to say what a fizzer today was, but it actually turned out ok. Daddy playgroup was cancelled, so they came home early. If I had have been organised, instead of sitting at home eating ham and cheese, I wouldn't have been home when they got back. So much for my walk along the beach. We managed to leave for the rally early, it was a long day for the girls and we were only there 3 hours. I must admit, I was over it after about an hour.
We were exhausted when we got home. Ken and I had a fight in the car before we left the racecourse, but we were able to talk it out when we got home. I don't think he is being totally honest with me, but we'll see what happens down the track. He gave in way too easily today. I think he is lying by omission. A secret external harddrive to hide his naughty pictures? I wouldn't put it past him.

Anyway, we all calmed down, 3yo decided that she wanted to make newspaper hats like on "Blues Clues". If she hadn't run out of the paper, I think she would have made one for everyone she's ever met, and some she hasn't! There are photos of us wearing them, but they are still on the camera.

Speaking of photos, here are a few car snaps!

The photos aren't brilliant, but this is a replica of the first car ever built in 1885!!

This one is a Jaguar, well before they became Jaguars!! Apparently the Company was called "SS"(Don't ask me what that stood for, I'm lucky I remember this much!!). That was a very unpopular name in the 1930s, thanks to the Germans, so they became Jaguar!

This car I just looked at and went "oh yeah!!" The photo doesn't do it justice!! It was a beast!! Gorgeous vehicle!

And this was the main reason we went. Ken's best mate's Moke!! His is the blue one, his Dad's is the red one!! Once again, the photos don't do them justice. I forgot my camera, these were taken on my phone.

And with all those cars to look at and admire, where are my 2 happiest?? Playing in the stones on the way out!!

A usual day.

Ok, so the morning starts well. I have my porridge and start my day. I go out, forgetting to take a snack, so by the time lunchtime comes I could eat a horse and chase the jockey.

Lunch doesn't fill me up. I am thinking about food all afternoon, what I can eat, but still hide from 3yo, because I'd hate to be a bad role model! WTF!
Yet when it gets to 4:30 and I'm thinking about what I can make for dinner, suddenly I am tired and can't be bothered.

So we have tea. I may or may not pick while cooking, depending on what I am making and how pius I'm feeling. As usual the kids decide they don't want or like what I've cooked, so depending what it is, I may help them finish it.

The kids go to bed and Ken goes out to the doghouse. I am in the house on my own. No witnesses. It could be sandwiches, cold meat, biscuits, rice crackers with peanut butter, whatever I can get my hands on. There is nobody to hide from . Except myself.

I go to bed feeling full. Yet still empty. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll plan and remember to do the "right" thing. It will all be ok in the morning.

I went shopping today. I decided to get some more photos printed. I didn't scrapbook last night like I thought about, but I did use my "new" sizzix machine to cut out some stickers for Daddy playgroup. I spent 1/2 hour on that. The novelty wears off quickly!! but I did read the instructions, so I actually know how to use it now!
Anyway, I didn't really have any more photos to scrapbook, so I needed to get some more. I took both girls to Fountain Gate! OMFG!! I should know by now to take them out as little as possible. I spend more time saying "3yo!! Where are you?" than I do actually shopping. Another part of my time is spent making sure 2yo doesn't fall out of the trolley!!
3yo wouldn't tell me what she wanted for lunch. I say, "fine, do you want to just go home?" "Yes". So out we go, we get to the car park and she says "I want lunch"!! Well too bad, we're on the way home. "I'll have lunch at home" No, that's why we're out, because there is no food in the house and we need to go to the supermarket. Lunch is before shopping so we don't buy half the shop! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Is it a wonder I have any hair left with these kids!
We ended up at McDonalds. They had a play and ate a bit. Then we went to not quite right. It's a dangerous place, they have yummy things cheap! We don't go there very often, because they have a lot of yummy things cheap!! Today I went cos they have my oats there and, even though I didn't need to, I wanted to stock up on them.
In the end, I went to NQR, the market and Aldi. I had to go to Aldi because my usual chicken shop lady was on holidays this week and nobody was prepared to drop the price for me. So I said I'd leave it til she came back. Wasn't impressed with them today, but then everyone must have been having a break this week, cos even the owner and his wife was away. Not a happy place today. So I thought I'd try out Aldi's meat. Bought some rump steak. Their portions are fantastic! They are about the palm of my hand, not the size of half a cow like most places!! I know, I could just cut them in half, but then I have 4 pieces and I only need 3. Aldi gave me 3! Very impressed. The only thing wrong was that the pieces were different thicknesses and I didn't cook Ken's enough, but that's not Aldi's fault! I just needed to cook his a little longer.

I loaded my dinner up with lots of veggies. Two hours later I was hungry again. Maybe I need to look at the combination of veggies to work out what will fill me up. I don't know.

I was listening to one of Jillian's podcasts and she mentioned the topic of "food obsession" I really, really need to look into that. I seem to think about food a lot. The questions Jillian asked from a website I answered yes to I think it was 3 out of 5 questions, but with a leaning towards a fourth one. I also need to look into OA. The local meeting isn't happening, but apparently there is one 20 minutes away. I don't have the details. I'm sure it will be on the net.

But right now, it's 11:45pm and I really need to get to sleep, so I can go for my walk on the beach tomorrow.

Why am I constantly tired and miserable. I must be the most boring diarist on the whole web. It's always "poor me, why am I so tired, I'm putting on weight, I'm eating too much" Well, all those things are related, so the sooner I get off my sorry arse and start behaving myself foodwise, the quicker all those problems will settle down.

Now, as for Amy, well basically she's my inner child, or brat! One of the Flylady emails led me to thebratfactor.com . It seems very basic at the moment, but it's about recognising the inner child and not letting him or her win all the time.
One of the tips was to name your inner brat. So mine is Amy. Anyone who watches All Saints- Frank's niece!! Turns out it was a bit harsh calling a part of myself after her, because I can't stand that character. Really hate her, but she was the most brattish character I could think of. My counsellor asked me if I identified myself in her.
It kind of stopped me in my tracks. Do I really think the "bad" side of me is really that bad? Maybe I do. Maybe the things I do wrong are so terrible that I can't stand it. I always say I can't lie, people can see it straight away. But do I lie to myself?? In what way?? Hmmm... that I'll get back on the wagon, there's no rush. At the moment I have thought's of "what's the point?" I really feel that hopeless at the moment. Like I can't do it. Like I just don't want to do it. It is so much easier to sit in front of the computer and ignore everything else that is going on. The housework that isn't getting done, the exercise that isn't getting done. Oops, it's too late to go out now, the gym will be closing/the sun is going down. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm lying to myself and I'm cheating myself.

But stupidly I'm just going along with it.

Much to ponder at the moment. I'm hoping for a long walk along the beach on Sunday.

Quick blog. It's almost 8:30. I had a busy day and am very glad the kids are in bed. I think I shall follow them.

We went to the library for a school holiday program. 3yo seemed to like it, but 2yo didn't like it at all. She wanted to go home.
We went to a friend's place afterwards and the kids had a ball playing together.

We came home and I had to treat the girls hair again. I had checked their hair this morning and think I got most of them, but needed to put the teatree and comb through it tonight. I think they were all dead from the last treatment and this was just tidying up, but it's still a pain in the arse to have to do this all the time. If every child's hair was treated and got rid of all the bugs, there would be no headlice at all!! How can parents sit there and watch their poor kids scratching their heads? I hate it!

Anyhoo, vent done for today.

Food was bad yesterday and today. I feel like a fool with the way I'm acting at the moment. Amy is really taking charge at the moment.

I'm going to bed. I might write in my paper diary.

Ok, it's 4:25pm. I haven't got the house clean, but by writing down my plans I have managed to write the condolence card and book some time at my gym for a reassessment. I also booked the dogs in for their vaccinations, organised dstepd's respite and recreation with two different groups and am waiting for a call from a 3rd place. I've put one load of washing out and I've still got one load to put out. I'm not too stressed, we've got another heatwave tomorrow to get through, so any washing will dry, whether I put it out today or tomorrow.

I've logged my food. I don't know what my limit is supposed to be at the moment. The last time I logged it was at 1600. I was supposed to do that for 2 weeks and then go up to 1800 for 4 weeks. I did the 2 weeks, then crashed and burned when it went up to 1800. I just couldn't be bothered watching and counting and I put on all that I'd lost in that two weeks. I don't know if it was the change in numbers, my using Christmas as an excuse, trying to do too much in December (it was hectic!) or what, but I just was not focused at all.

I guess if I make my food calories 2000 gross, it's not a ridiculously low amount, compared to what I was doing for that 2 weeks :P and it gives me a little extra to cope with the exercise. I wont eat back exercise calories. It's nice to be able to, but it's only practical if I have an accurate assessment of what my exercise calories are. CK's assessment are too high and I believe the crappy heart rate moniter I have is too low.

So I shall err on the side of caution and follow that path for a little while. I don't know if it will work, but I've got to keep trying.
Ummm... well I'll start on that path tomorrow. I've got 350 calories to go and I've got to get through a pump class tonight. I'll see how I go. We're having spaghetti. I'll be close.

I also have to get through the "witness free" time. I'm thinking that I need to get my dining table cleared so I can get scrapbooking in the evenings. It will distract me and fill in some time.
I don't know exactly how long that will take me, it will be an ongoing process.

Plans, plans, plans. Right now I need to get dinner ready and get ready for Pump. It was 36 degrees today. I think I am mad!! But then, the payoff is that i get to go in the pool afterwards for Aqua!! That will keep me going!! :-)

Edit:- It is now the end of the day. I got through my Pump and Aqua classes pretty well. Being able to get into the pool is what got me through Pump. It's still very warm in Melbourne.
I managed to drink lots of water and even though my calories are over by about 600 today, I'm feeling really good with what I've achieved. It would be nice if the house was clean, but the mess isn't going anywhere. I did get a fair bit of the kitchen cleaned up. No shiny sink, but a couple of loads of dishes done.
Must go hang my washing out, then it's shower and bed to avoid "no witnesses"

I got up this morning and remembered to weigh in before breakfast, which I conveniently forgot to do yesterday. I gained again.

I've had enough. I know it's food that has let me down. I have had no discipline for a good few months now. But I can't do anything about that, I can only look at what I need to do today.

So, my plans for today are to:-

drink lots of water
Log everything I eat. That's everything.
Get to Pump and Aqua tonight.


Non diet related list of things to do:-

Tidy house up, it looks like a bomb site!
Write the condolence card that has been sitting on my desk for about 2 weeks.
Ring the gym to make an appointment for a program review and book the girls into the creche.


I still need to order my netball skirt, but until Thursday I am almost broke. I have to find the money to take the girls to a play centre tomorrow, that will be using all the shrapnel I can find!!

So, rather than lament what I haven't done, I am going to plan what I will do! I've even set my FLYlady timer so I'm only on the computer for 45 minutes!

So I'd better get checking my emails before I run out of time!!

Here's an idea that just popped into my head tonight. My night time eating, blowouts, binges, whatever name feels appropriate. They are not logical, they are not good for me. I don't seem to care by this time of night. I choose to make bad choices for myself.

One of the reasons for them? I have no witnesses. Nobody to be accountable to, nobody to be my conscience, to make me feel guilty for eating too much or make me feel guilty for being a bad role model. It's like letting my hair down at the end of the day. I don't have to be seen to be doing the right thing.

I'm not saying this justifies my behaviour, I subscribe to Dr Phil's philosophy that in order for a behaviour to continue, we must be getting some payoff from it. I get away with the eating because there is nobody there to stop me, including myself. Maybe I eat because I'm on my own. Ken goes out to his doghouse. I sit on the computer playing whatever game until my eyes start falling out of my head.

My counsellor feels that I am wasting my brain at home. My homework is to work out what makes me really happy.

Off the top of my head is co-ordinating playgroup. Being able to plan each week, organise dinners and excursions outside the sessions. I've really enjoyed the last year. And now that I know what I am doing, it's going to be a blast this year!

As for what else makes me happy... I'll have to think about that one.

Each day I sit down at my computer and open my blog. I want to start writing, but my mind is blank. My whole day goes out of my head. Any pearls of wisdom or witty anecdotes that I thought of earlier in the day simply vanish.

Today is no exception. But in my defence, I took all three girls shopping today, to the market AND the supermarket. And 2yo didn't have a sleep today!! My baby is growing up. She is coping without having a nap quite well. I still put her down every few days, but it's not essential.
That doesn't mean for a second she will sleep in!! Oh noooooooo. She's still up at around 7. I guess that is a sleep in, sometimes it can be 6am!!

I went to a baby shop the other day and spoke to the car seat fitter to work out whether 2yo is ready for a booster seat. She is :'-( Another sign she is growing up. My baby!! I haven't bought it yet. I forgot to check the bank balance before I went there. I also forgot a pay went in the weekend before. Oh well. I'll get there this week and give my baby another milestone. Oh and another new thing for her to drive me mad with. Taking her head out, undoing the seatbelt. Oh the joys!!

Look at that! I had nothing to say, but I found 2 paragraphs!!

Talking about the kids gives me a chance to avoid what's really going on. The fact I am ignoring what I need to do and eating absolute shite with no thought to the consequences.
I am a logical person. I know what happens when bad things go in. I see the scales going up. I have this delusion that I can get back on track, there is no hurry.

I can no longer say that I have lost 20 kilos, I'm in the teens. Only just, but there. it's creeping back on, but I don't seem to be suitably alarmed into action. My counsellor said I need to start loving myself. I guess it's easier said than done.

Maybe once school holidays are over and I can get into a real routine and not be at home so much... oh how I love being at home. No rushing around. We can go out when we want, or not!! But my gym time seems to get mucked around. I am still not doing something every day. It just doesn't seem to work, even with Ken home. He was sick yesterday, so I wasn't prepared to leave him with the kids. Today I was stuffed after shopping. I should have gone to the gym before I went to the shops, but Ken and I had an argument and he nicked off out the back. His solution to not getting his way. By tonight I was over the kids.

I was supposed to go scrapbooking, but Ken was out the back until 8pm. It started at 7. I could have gone out and got him, maybe it was my way out. I love scrapbooking, but the thought of dragging it all out tonight just exhausted me. I couldn't even be bothered getting it all out at home, let alone someone else's place.
I needed to get out of the house too. The kids did my head in today. Ken is taking them to Daddy playgroup in the morning, then out to his sisters, so I'll pretty much have a kid free day tomorrow! Yay! Gym in the morning, then off to pick up almost the full collection of Karen Greenwood's Phryne fisher series!! 16 books and I've only read one of them!! Woo hoo! That will keep me busy! And the best bit, instead of $26 a book, I'm only paying about $11!! I love Ebay!!

Once again, as usual, I am exhausted, so I will stop waffling here. I am burning a DVD at the moment, then I am shutting down the timezapper and getting some sleep! No sleep ins in this house!

Today was busy. I took the girls to the library to for a school holiday program. They had a ball. Stories, singing and dancing, then some craft at the end. They love it!

We left there and went to meet some friends at McDonalds. Cranbourne West McDonalds has to have the least switched on crew of any I've seen. The way Mcdonalds works now, calling out the orders as they are finished is so trashy! It took almost as long to get our icecreams as it would have to get the burgers! They look disorganised.

Anyway, despite that, the kids had fun there too. I got to sit and chat, in between the kids coming out of the play area to complain that this kid did this and that kid did that. Usual kid stuff.

We came home to find Ken unwell. Despite this, he managed to lay the concrete with his mate for the new puppy palace! I'm happy, I'll have my laundry back soon! No more dog beds to trip over and no more of the stuff that comes out of or off of them all through it either!

His mate left and Ken went to bed. I couldn't be bothered cooking tea, so we went to Cranbourne to go shopping for Ken's birthday present! 3yo was adamant that she wanted to get her Dad a Hannah Montana CD. I don't know if it's really something he wants, but we bought him a DVD, so maybe the whole family can enjoy it!
3yo has such a strong personality. I love that she is so sure of herself, so confident!

I also bought the girls some new clothes. 2yo is tall, but lean, so every thing fits, but looks too short. 3yo is tall, but thicker, so she needs bigger clothes for the width, but everything is too long for her. I can't win. But I found a few pieces that look good on them. It all depends on the cut.

So, we got home around 8pm. The girls didn't get to bed until about 9pm. God, I hope they sleep in in the morning!!

Speaking of sleep, a few minutes and I'm there too.